You learn something new . . .

unfortunately, it isn't always the thing you wanted to learn, or even the thing you hoped you would learn. What we learn is often in the realm of "why on earth did this happen?" and "How am I ever going to work this out?" Usually, for me - it is a matter of knowing myself better and finding out what I'm really made of. I'm certainly tougher than I imagined. I'm stronger than I used to be, too - I know that. I'm rolling with the waves more peacefully than I have in the past. I'm positive that I haven't learned everything that I need to learn. I'm a little bit nervous about that. Actually, I'm seriously nervous about that. There is a new year coming. I am determined to take it day by day, week by week. I'm going to make little plans and little goals - working in baby steps toward my larger vision. We'll see if by the end of the coming year I haven't make some significant progress. I know that along the way, there will be many side trips and surprises. I'll be finding out a little more of what I'm made of. I hope I'm made of good stuff. I hope that what I learn is that I truly Trust in God to help me find His plan for my life. I hope that I Trust in Him Enough, with maybe some to spare.

Little A's Second Birthday

A's middle name is Hope. It is fitting. You know that song that goes, "I got sunshine. . .on a cloudy day. . .When it's cold outside, I got the month of May." The last couple of years have been like that. She was born on a cold December day, and from the moment she came into our lives, a warmth like summer sunshine has blessed every single day. She is happy and fun-loving. She is playful and sweet. She loves new shoes but would rather go barefoot in the house.
A loves dogs. Loves Loves Loves Dogs! My sister has a Jack Russell Terrier. We were all together on Christmas Eve, and when my sister was ready to go home she asked A if she'd like to go with her. A was resolute. She reached out for my sister and waved goodbye to me, a huge smile on her face. We were all a bit confused, until she started motioning for the dog to come. Everything then became quite clear, I mean - who needs a Mom, when you can have a dog? Not A. Unfortunately for A, my sister wasn't exactly serious - she didn't think A would be willing to go. Her home is equipped for one baby - and that is her dog Lucy. For Christmas we got her a soft puppy and a soft doll. She carried around the dog - until her sister unwrapped the plastic doll, and then we had to find her a plastic doll so that she could be like E. (Being like her older siblings is where it's at for A at the moment.) Left to herself, she carries around the dog.
Since I'm not ready for a dog at my house, today we are taking A to a place where they can "make a best friend" for her - complete with a bark. I hate to say it, but from the moment the thought crossed my mind I knew it was all we needed to worry about for her birthday. I've been more excited about taking her there than anything else we've been planning - and we're talking Christmas here. I was excited about Christmas, I really was. I was just MORE excited to take my baby to get a "dog" - to let her choose, and hear it bark, and see her happy little face.
That's right. "I got sunshine. . ."

Christmas

So, there we are, unwrapping gifts and my 9 year old son, C has a breakdown. He just can't keep himself from crying. I'm sure the fact that I was smiling through the whole thing was very confusing to him. By the time we finished all the individual gifts, even my older boy was looking a bit distraught. After all, they had opened all their underwear, socks, pants and accessory items - but had not seen even a glimmer of hope in the region of their "wish lists". It may qualify as cruel and unusual on Christmas morning to set aside all such gifts until the end - but it sure was fun for D and me! Finally, out came the Wii - along with all the gifts even remotely related to the Wii. . .and out came the smiles. (D had taken care of every aspect of that gift, thank heaven. I would have seriously botched it. I'm sure.) The best part of that gift, for me, was watching my 12 year old son play baseball with my 6 year old daughter, and then boxing, and ping pong. There were literally hours of VERY LOW CONFLICT play with the majority of my children involved in that play. That's a pretty cool game, no matter how you look at it. I made cookies with Q - which is roughly equivalent to playing in a sand box with him because all he really wanted to do was play with the dough. Little A got in on that, too. I also spent some time with Q working on a sticker book - which was much more fun than I even imagined, and which he LOVED! While I was doing that with Q, A was snuggled up next to me and didn't move for 1/2 an hour. It was a mother's dream. My children gathered around, no one fighting or working hard to get more of my attention. Everyone was happy. Everyone stayed happy the rest of the day. There weren't enough compliments for the pants, socks and underwear - "I love these, MOM! I really NEEDED more socks. This shirt is so soft. These pants fit PERFECTLY!" (I'm not exaggerating, they really said those things.) We were feeling the love. It lasted all day. It flowed over at Grandma's house, too. More love. More warm fuzzy feelings. Cousins running and playing. At the end of the day, I was sorry to see it end. I could have stayed there in that feeling forever. There's a way to make that happen. His name is Christ. Loving, giving and keeping Him close can make every day feel like Christmas. That is the peaceful gift of Christmas. I hope you enjoyed it, too.

The Peaceable Walk

After reading this post on a friend's blog, I was inspired. I was really inspired. I was so inspired I started a blog. The title of the blog, "The Peaceable Walk", comes from the Book of Mormon, and the entire purpose of the blog is to bring women together, to strengthen, love and encourage each other. Life is hard, and painful sometimes. Sometimes it is wonderful. I hope to see this blossom into something that will help and comfort and inspire MANY MANY women. We are all unique, and yet our needs are so similar. We need each other. If you would like to be involved with this blog in any way - contact me. There is room enough for all of us.

The Peaceable Walk

Santa, We're ready!

For the first time in 14 years, I'm ready for Christmas two days early. All that's left is for Santa to come and make everything magically appear under the tree. Seriously! This, is a great feeling. I actually have time to think about things I'd like to do, for myself, my family, others. This feeling is as good as being at a resort in the Caribbean, lounging on a chair in the soft sand on a warm day. Why? Stress free. No worries. I know, because of Murphy, something could happen between now and then, but that will just be about putting out a little fire here or there. This is a glorious Christmas, already.
Now, what do I want to do?

Thoughts from Ether 10

"And it came to pass that Shez did remember the destruction of his fathers, and he did build up a righteous kingdom; for he remembered what the Lord had done in bringing Jared and his brother aacross the deep; and he did walk in the ways of the Lord; and he begat sons and daughters.

"And never could be a people more blessed than were they, and more prospered by the hand of the Lord. And they were in a land that was choice above all lands, for the Lord had spoken it."

It struck me when I was reading this that through remembering the difficulties of his ancestors, Shez was able to build up a righteous kingdom. I have also felt that I am able to draw strength and courage thinking of my own ancestors, and all they went through. One of my ancestral families was in the Willie Handcart company. Every member of the family survived - down to the youngest child. I would like to document that a little more, for myself and my family. I think that there are probably a number of excellent ancestral stories which could be documented in a book for my children and I to look upon and consider, and draw strength from. I'm getting a really good feeling about this one. Better get crackin' while my Grandma is still with us!

Better

Dang! I am tired. This morning started earlier then usual when I found myself wide awake, and decided to get cracking on a project I started yesterday evening. I was excited for today, being the last day of school before Winter Break and Christmas. It wasn't stressful. Everything went along fairly easily. When I put the little ones first, and take care of their needs, they usually accommodate my whims very nicely. Today was that kind of a day. It is my sister's birthday, and we had an adult night dinner out planned. T was our babysitter. I was already on the phone with Pizza Hut getting ready to order some food for them (a bribe to help him be an extra good sitter) when someone rang the doorbell and left 3 pizzas! I'm not kidding. Those kinds of things just don't happen, except when you live in a neighborhood like mine, where people actually care about each other. We had a lovely dinner. Stopped at Target on the way home for a few more Christmas things - candy, etc. When we arrived home, everyone was doing great. Q was sleeping, while A (who had a good nap this afternoon) was still wide awake. Speaking of A, I can't believe she's almost two. She is so much fun right now, I just can't get enough of her. Her tiny little voice, and the fact that she clearly understands everything we are saying. My favorite is when she tries to talk while she's crying. She makes a ton of different sounds, and she obviously knows exactly what she wants to communicate and believes that she's getting the message through. I have to work hard not to laugh because I can't understand ANYTHING, but it's just so cute. I'm loving every minute (and I mean that) of A at almost two. I'm loving that we can leave everyone with T for a few hours and not worry about anything. A is getting some new teeth, canines. T is loosing still loosing some. It's amazing to see the whole range of childhood played out in front of my eyes. Writing about it is one of the best ways that I know to ensure that I'll remember all of this someday. Right now, it's almost midnight. Even though it was a pretty leisurely fun day, I've been doing this day for a long time now, and I'm tired. I'll just rotate the laundry once more, and call it quits. It was a good day.

Making plans

It's always a dangerous thing. I mean, think about it. Murphy's law is REAL. There is an entire website devoted to the documentation of every aspect of Murphy's law. You should check it out, it's a hoot - and that was the link back there, in case you weren't sure. So what's this all about? Well Christmas is all about planning, and today I ran headlong into Murphy's Law with respect to the plans I've been making for our Christmas celebrations. Yikes. This story starts about 20 years ago. In Japan. We lived there when I was a young girl and I enjoyed there a fruit that I had never experienced before - the Japanese Pear. Juicy like a pear, it is crisp and shaped like an apple with a very mild and wonderful flavor. The fruit is extremely tender and must be handled with great care. They are literally grown covered in paper bags while on the tree. I love them. I prize them. But, as they are quite expensive I buy them infrequently and usually only for special occasions. Enter Christmas plans. When I was at Costco, I saw some and decided that it would be Just the thing to set off our morning. I got them with the hope that I'd be able to keep them safe and sound until the big day. Enter Murphy. Today after school, looking for a snack, my 12 year old takes them all out of the fridge and before he could even ask the impending question - his brother bumps him. . . the fruit takes a dive. . . I'm in shock. It all happened so fast.

So much for my careful planning. Murphy certainly got the best of me this time. We did, however, have a delicious after school snack today.

Ta-Da!

I've been making some changes on my blog this morning. Probably won't have time to do much of anything else today in cyberspace - but this was totally fun! Back to the real world where my actual life is, and where there is an abundance of cleaning of and caring for to be done.

Princess Power

Today I made a horrible mistake. I took my six year old daughter shopping with me. I really just wanted to get the kids some socks and underwear, (not for Christmas). I thought they could use it, and there are some decent sales going on right now, so I decided to go after school. It was a 1.5 hour torture session with Mom as victim. I gave her a snack before we left. She didn't show any signs of being overly tired. I wasn't worried. As soon as we walked in however, she went into Princess overdrive. She was stuck in "I wanna toy" mode, and wouldn't let it go. She never did until we started the drive home. She did about everything that she could think of to obstruct the stroller/cart, or express her disapproval at my saying "no" to the toy idea. Christmas is in less than one week. I'm not buying random toys for children, especially misbehaving children. About 90% of my brain was trying to keep her under control, reasoning with her and the other 10% was trying to find what I needed. At the moment, I'm seriously considering a heart to heart consult with Santa Claus with regard to the possibility of getting her put on the naughty list. She knows it, and she seems somewhat motivated to redeem herself. Thankfully, I already had dinner in the crockpot. If not, I think I would've collapsed into a puddle like the Wicked Witch at the end of the Wizard of OZ. Wait - I think it was a house that fell on her. It doesn't make much difference. I feel like a house fell on me. Although I must admit that simply maintaining my cool under that kind of duress, even if I couldn't enjoy the actual experience, gives me something to reflect on with amazement. I have survived one of the fiercest trials known to man, unrelenting torture by princess.

Christmas Cards

For the first time this year, instead of putting a lot of energy into ANXIETY about Christmas cards, I made little goals that I knew I could accomplish during a week with the time available to me. First, it was just to gather all the pertinent items and get them into a box. Then, organize and begin addressing. Then, finish addressing and mail. Well, last week ahead of schedule, I had finished half of them. This morning, I got up a little early to finish the rest and now I have them all done and the best part of all of this? I didn't feel a bit of stress related to the project. I have been able to complete the project ahead of schedule because I put the guilt about when I would be able to sit down and "do it" in the trash, where it belonged! It's done, I feel a great sense of accomplishment which is completely unmarred by any feeling that it should have been done sooner or better. Hallelujah!

Twelve Days of Christmas

Someone has been giving us a gift each night. Wonderful, thoughtful gifts, like a Christmas pillow case for each one in the family, a Josh Groban Christmas CD, Everything we need for a Christmas Party, - and we are all so amazed! I heard someone saying in church that someone had done this for them, and it touched them so much that they now do it for other families as a tradition. In a way, I hope never to know who has done this, and I hope that we can bring the same excitement to others in the future. We all get so excited, the kids especially. It is so kind and generous. We feel very blessed to be here, among such caring friends.

Sad, but not the end of my Story

I received word back from the first publisher. They will not be publishing my book. I feel very strongly about it, however. I am going to keep trying. If it isn't published right now, I believe that sometime in the future it will be. I believe in the message of that book, and I believe that there are many many people that would benefit greatly from it. Someday.

In the meantime, I think I'll reserve a few days for a little dejected misery and some crying. Then, it's onward and upward.

Are you Crazy?

Most people think we are crazy for having five children. I honestly can't imagine out life without each and every one. Things were a little tricky this morning when my Mini-Van had a flat tire and the kids needed to be taken to school. D was still home. Like the manly man that he is, he took care of that flat tire in under one half hour! (Just in case he reads this today, I'm adding emphasis to the terrific effort he put into the project. I am very appreciative.) In the meantime, I shuttled the children to school in his Miata. (The fact that he has that car was actually my idea, lest you think otherwise.) T, the oldest, was only about 15 minutes late - which includes the time we had to take getting A into a warm coat, boots and mittens so that she could be outside with Dad until Mommy got home. So, yes - we started our day with a garage door that wouldn't open (tripped GFI), a flat tire and still managed to get the kids to school without being absurdly late. I felt very good about that. The rest of the day is pretty much planned for me. I need to go to our tire shop and get the flat fixed. After that, I may run down to Costco since it's within half a mile and I don't get over there much anymore. The children will be done with school at 1:25 p.m. today. Then, we'll get E & Q ready to spend the night with their cousins. (My family is more than wonderful - this was all my sister's idea.) I will make French bread pizza for the A and the boys. D will be home a little early and then we'll take off to his company Christmas party. Busy to be sure, but not bad. Could be much worse. Already had one of those this week.

Five children. It's what we wanted. It's much harder than I dreamed, or could have been told - I wouldn't have believed them anyway. When people idealize my life (and some do) I laugh. This isn't the life for a sissy. Thankfully, I never have been a wimp. I've always been one to jump in feet first, arms flailing, lacking grace but wholeheartedly. It really is one of the best ways to live life. When you know what you want and feel it is the right course for you, anything else is effectively to deny yourself your greatest possible joys. You may also miss out on some pain, but in the end you're going to have pain either way. Live life. Live Right. Live it Well.

One day at a time--this is enough.
Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone;
and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come.
Live in the present, and make it so beautiful
it will be worth remembering.

Forward Energy

I have had a request to discuss the Forward Energy I discussed in the Goals entry. For me, it all started in November with the Successful Mothering Convention, Women's Show and Connie Sokol. These are links to her company - LifeChange, where you can subscribe to her weekly emails, and internet radio show which she does weekly (on Tuesdays) where she shares fantastic ideas and doles out an amazing amount of inspiration!
LifeChange Program
Connie Sokol Podcasts
I live close enough to her to attend her "Get a LIFEVision" class in January, which is listed on the LifeChange webpage at the bottom. If there are five or more of us that would like to go, it would only be $15 each. I have been considering getting a group together, let me know if you'd like to go. The first time I heard Connie speak, I was totally inspired, and I was literally launched on a journey like no other - The journey to myself. The real launch, really took place after I went through her "Get a LIFEVision" kit. I had recognized beforehand that I was ready for some major changes but I didn't know exactly how or what to implement. Listening to the CD and reading the book helped me to. . . are you ready?. . . figure out what I REALLY WANT from my life, my whole life. It helped me give flesh bones and life to things that had been floating around in my head and heart. Once you have that, you can soar, and boy have I!

Here is MY LifeVision:

(Keep in mind that this is what I WANT, not what I have. This is the place I can draw my goals from. This is also very personal to ME. You would need to draw things from your own soul for this to be truly effective in your life. Also keep in mind that there are no right or wrong answers and that you need to free yourself from self imposed mental limits to have this really be effective.)

Whether abundant or scarce, I cherish time with my family and show my love for them constantly.
My faith and trust in God are inspiring. My actions are as powerful in bearing witness of Him as my words are. 
I am radiantly beautiful and strong - physically, mentally and spiritually.
I present myself in a way which draws people to me. 
I confidently teach and share my skills, talents and testimony.
I maintain Balance in Nurturing myself and others.
I continually strive for self improvement, knowledge and understanding.
I am grateful for the opportunity to give and share my abundant blessings with others.


Next, the goals I set for the year and the rewards I attached to them:

Be Mentally Strong, and Physically Fit and Continue to make progress Spiritually.

Mental Goal: I will work through the Math Homework for Algebra II and Trigonometry. When I finish a section of Math Homework, I will arrange for some time out of the house, for myself, just for fun.


Physical Goal: I will transform my weak physical body into a fit, fabulous body. Each time I exercise three to four times a week, I will take time to Scrapbook on Saturday or Sunday for as long as I’d like.


Spiritual Goal: I will Attend the Temple once a month. When I attend the Temple, I will take extra time to write in my journal about the thoughts and feelings I had there. I will make some extra time for my children to have a little treat as well.

You can adjust your rewards as needed. The rewards should be as motivating as the overall reason for doing it.

From these main goals, I draw monthly and weekly goals. They are smaller chunks of the larger goal. Starting to exercise, drinking more water, looking at the math book, etc. These are bits that I can actually bite off and chew! Because I am working on the larger goals all year (her actual program focuses only on things for one quarter at a time, but this is working for me) I'm kind to myself and it is easy to keep things in perspective. Isn't that where most of us get stuck?
Yesterday was a HORRIBLE day, Last night my baby started stomach flu near the end of the wicked day and was sick all night. I wasn't feeling well this morning. Today I'm relaxing, and giving myself room to breathe. I am not feeling guilty that I didn't drink the water, or that I needed the sleep more than Yoga this morning. I am not a failure. I am moving FORWARD. I have to go through what I have to go trough, but I'm not going to stop and whine about "failures" because they can't stop me unless I allow them to. The Forward Energy comes from the fact that I am doing what I really want to do, and I accept the fact that rough days are a part of life. I believe in my dreams, and I know that one bad day will not de-rail them. Set backs are temporary. My dreams are forever.

Following is an email I sent to Connie the other day, and her reply. I'm including this to illustrate an example of what setting the little goals and focusing on them rather than what "I should do" has done for me.

Connie,
I just wanted to tell you of yet another success.
First , When I was thinking about what to make as a Christmas Card this year, I was overwhelmed. I had some on hand, very cute ones, that I had purchased last year 1/2 off after Christmas. I decided that even though I'm a paper crafts professional and teach others how to do make cards and scrapbook, I didn't have to send handmade cards this year - I would use the ones I ALREADY HAD. It was a major Peace moment.
Second, I chopped my card sending goal into very manageable chunks. When I got started this morning on this weeks goal, I was just buzzing right along. I had just wanted to print out the letters, and start addressing envelopes this week. Everything fell into place and I ended up doing much more that I thought I'd be able to accomplish this week. More than half are already MAILED. My goal was to mail them sometime next week. I attribute my energy to the fact that it was something I wanted to do, rather than something I "should" do. The energy that I have reaped in setting small goals, rather than focusing on "shoulds" is unbelievable to me. Unbelievable.
Happy Day to you!
Abby C



Hi Abby,

I am so happy for you!! Don't you love that feeling, when it clicks, and that concept now becomes a reality in your life, because you see the fruits and you say, wow, this really works!

I am so proud of you for not just becoming aware of the principles, but to actually act on them in your life. That's when the domino effect goes into motion and that's when you really start changing, mind and soul. You have done a fabulous job of being aware, then acting on that impression or thought. That's so powerful, and so life-changing.

Keep up the fabulous work, insights and paradigm shifts. You are not just helping change your life, but those around you. People become empowered by the positive and bold choices of others. Kudos to you for making good things happen in your life!

All my best,
Connie

Connie Sokol
President, LIFEChange
info@lifechangeprogram.com
801.787.4910

That was a lot of reading, and I hope it was useful. More Questions? Want to go to the event at Thanksgiving Point? Email me!

Dead Blackberry

Q sprayed my new phone with Windex, (a lot of Windex). It died. I have buried it in rice hoping that it will be resurrected in the morning. Bad things usually come in threes. That was the third dastardly deed he pulled in about 2 hours so I think I may be done fielding major Q-caused problems today. I didn't yell at him, but I did cry - I was feeling very very frustrated. Thankfully, I still have my old phone so at least I don't feel like I'm in Outer Mongolia while I wait for the "miracle of the rice".

I wish that the rest of the day had been wonderful, but it has been a very difficult day. There is one more major opportunity to salvage the day, and I am hopeful. Last year's Christmas Enrichment Program was wonderful, and I think this year it will be even better. My sister K and I are singing "Silent Night" at the end - the "big finish". Thanks to K, it will be because anytime she sings, it is amazing. People turn around in church to figure out where that voice is coming from, it is truly angelic.

This day, too, shall pass. Maybe the best has been saved for last.

Goals

I've been working on some things lately that I've mentioned before, but never really spoken about it in depth. I started a program called LIFEChange, which has been catalytic for me. I began reading and listening to the CD the first week of November. The Architecture goal grew out of that listening, and more specifically the recognition that I needed to bone up on my math before I could do anything to work toward the Architecture goal. My walking and exercise goals, the drinking water, the specific ways I'm focusing on spiritual things, all grew out of that. Most importantly I have a LIFEVision, as well as a LIFEFocus for the year. The greatest part is that these are things "I want to do". I'm not doing anything because I think I "should." I believe that has been the key to my success with it. I actually WANT to get up and do YOGA in the morning. I want time to write in my journal. I make small goals to break up bigger things, like Christmas cards. I do the little goals, and use the rest of my time to think about other things. I am consumed with forward energy, rather than "I really ought to but I don't feel like it" energy. I was positive and optimistic before, but now I am focused which is far more powerful. I'd love to help others to get the same momentum in their lives. I'd love to be a part of making this work for other people.

Thanks for Stopping By

I just wanted to put a little note in for the folks who come by and take a look now and then. I love doing this, and it's fun to know that you are out there enjoying it. For those of you have been such good friends and helps to me, Thank you for that, too. In some ways, coming out of this last year alive an kicking - probably even better than before, is better than any other reward or recognition. Sometimes just the living of life itself provides the most glorious of joys and blessings. To know that you didn't fall apart when you could have. To know that people care. Who needs and Oscar when you have friends like mine? Not me.
Thanks to all of you.

Treasures in Heaven

I need to preface this entry with this simple statement. I am a Christian, I study Christ and try to emulate Him. You need not be a Christian to read this, but I wanted you to know ahead of time that this entry will be of a religious nature.

These are some of the words of Christ. "But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

I've heard these words all of my life, but today I read them and they meant something completely new and different to me. Today, they spoke to me of my family, of my children. When we "lay up in store" it is through our time and effort, focused on that task. There are many many people in the world who are focused on what they lay up in earthly wealth and goods. Of course, we have to provide for our families in terms of what is necessary for survival and comfort. I'm talking about our focus, however. We can work to provide, while keeping our focus on the family itself rather than the money and things that we "want". I was thinking of today that the treasure I want in Heaven is my family, my children around me. If the treasure I want with me in Heaven is my family, then they will be my focus here on earth, too. The thought that where my treasure is, my heart would be also seemed exceptionally powerful as I thought of these five lovely souls that the Lord has entrusted to me. My Treasures.

A book to recommend

I’ve been reading a book by Martin Seligman called The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience. A friend recommended it to me, am I’m so glad and grateful. What I am learning through this book is how to teach my children healthy ways of thinking about and relating to themselves and the world around them, whether pleasant and bad times. In this regard, I struggle mostly with T and how everything is "the end of his world." I have worried for him a great deal, knowing what he’ll be facing in Junior High and that he needs to have some skills to deal with the ups and downs. My friend has helped me a lot by just being a true friend. He also has knowledge that I’ve needed and a different point of view (which is often crucial at turning points). This book, though, may be the single most important bit he’s given me. It was first published in 1995, the year T was born. I wish that I'd had it all this time, but I can’t do anything about that. I CAN make the most of it, now. I can also send a note to thank my friend for the help. I am reading as quickly as I can (I got it from the Library). I will need to purchase it so that I can read and re-read. I feel confident that I have the personal skill set necessary to help my children develop these tools in their own lives. I’m just so happy to have someone spell it out for me.

On my mind

Well I'm sure there's something that I could be doing right now, but I can't think of anything I want to be doing, and so I'm going to write a little bit. These are the things floating around in my head -
I spent the majority of the day studying Copic Markers online. I'm going to be working on an Interior Design project, and I'd like to be able to do so quick renderings for my client. That was impossible due to the fact that all of my markers dried out about 10 years ago. I just haven't been doing much with my education, as far as the rendering part goes. I have been watching what some of my friends have done with these markers, in the world of crafts, and realized that they'd work in my other life, too. After studying them a little bit more today, I found a great site that would let me customize a 72 marker set. Can I just say that I'm dumbfounded? I've never heard of anyone offering to do anything like that before ever ever. Just something funny, this is the first set of markers I've ever purchased. In college, I got them one at a time. It was okay, but this is something really special to me. I'm excited to get them and try them out. I'll have to keep them under lock and key and they will not ever once in my lifetime come within sight distance of my children, but other than that, it's a great step toward integrating Educated Abby and Mom Abby.
I've been working on goals this week: starting to walk, drinking more water, being connected with my spiritual self. The water thing was much simpler than I imagined, seriously. My Mom came across a double stroller the other day and picked it up for me. The little ones love it, so much so that they'd rather sit in it than play at the park with the older kid while I'm walking. The weather has been fabulous, so nice and warm. It has made the whole thing very enjoyable for everyone. The kids have loved getting out of the house, they are off track, and I benefit from the exercise. We all win.
Spiritually, I just want to hang onto the peaceful heart I've enjoyed lately. I want to keep doing what I've done well, and add a little bit to my routine.
With the oldest nearly 12 and the youngest almost 2, I guess that I am starting to see the end of one of the tunnels in my life. It's not that I've been in darkness and I'm finally "seeing the light". I simply recognize that changes in my daily routine are nearer now than ever. I recognize the need to prepare for those changes. That's what's been on my mind lately.

Like a Deer

I am just stunned at how quickly time is passing. We are making plans for Thanksgiving. All of those "Holiday Travel" stories are on the 6 o'clock news. The kids are off track for three weeks. I'm on the internet more than ever getting the Christmas shopping done. I've been stashing things away for a while, and there's not too much left to do - but STILL. It's almost overwhelming to think that there are really only 6 weeks left in 2007. In truth, I'm glad that we've almost put the year behind us. I think I'm much better off in many ways than I was last year at this time. I'm a different person, and just about anyone that really knows me will tell you that. Life has a way of doing that to a person. A rolling stone gathers no moss, but also gets the rough edges knocked clean off. In 2007, things around here were really roiling, or rolling whichever you prefer. We have settled somewhat, but the changes that came along the way seem fairly permanent. I have more compassion than I used to, and I'm less naive, but not bitter. I'm looking forward to many wonderful things to come. The kids are growing faster than I know how to cope with. I'm focusing in on the important things, however. I have a good idea of what I want from life, and a decent sense of what will be required - in terms of effort - to get there. I'm happier and stronger than I was last year around Thanksgiving. Day by day, time has past and now finds me here, like a deer in the headlights of the oncoming year. Stunned, but at the same time, I know the new year won't cause any permanent damage - not really.

Out of Left Field

I feel like I've been catapulted into a new arena of thought. All of my children are here and living. I have a full life, and I've got my toes in many different ponds right now. Within four years, all of my children will be in school. Within 5 years, I'll be free from 8 to 3. That's a lot of hours in a day. I decided to call the University, so see what I would need to apply for their Masters of Architecture. Turns out, I need some math and some physics before I can even register for their 3+ Maters program, which is where I'd need to be, I'm sure, considering that I've been out of school for 14 years and haven't practiced in my field. I can take the math and physics courses online or the community college. I have to be able to pass a test and show that I can handle the Calculus course before I can register for it, online or otherwise. I did a little digging on the community college website and found that the book for both the trigonometry and College Algebra were the same - and then I found it online for $15.00 (which is like 15% of retail) and I bought it. I've printed out all of the homework assignments and I'm going to start studying. So, there you have it. I'm going back to school - without the professor, and just so that I can get ready for a test, to take some classes which might help me decide whether I really want to go back to school or not. I'm actually a little bit excited about re-learning math again. No matter what, the things that I'm working on now will be very helpful to me when my kids start getting into more than add/subract/multiply/divide.

Funny!

It's amazing to me that a two year old could have such a great sense of humor, but there's no denying that A's got it. She giggles and laughs and all day long, punctuating her comments with "Funny!" I love it. It is so beyond what I expected of her. I'm very accustomed to two year olds talking about their world, the things they see or need. What A seems most pleased to express is what she thinks about things. I've mentioned before that she has opinions. This just points to her expanding ability to let others know what the opinions are.
She absolutely adores dogs, and they are always "Funny!" Sometimes, things on PBS are "Funny!" She loves being tossed into the air by the big people in her life. That's "Fun!" which is her second favorite designation. She often declares her siblings to be "Fun!" She loves their attention and playing games with them, as long as they aren't too rough. She's tough, though - it consistently surprises me how long she can hang in with the bigger kids. I mean, she hits the four year old at his armpits, and he still seems small to me. She chases and runs away with the best of them. She loves to fall into a pile of giggling children, and I bet you know what she'd be saying. . ."Fun!"

November

Today marks the beginning of the last month until my 11 year old son turns 12. It's a big deal for him, and for me. He's growing and changing a lot. He's a big tease, and that is what gets him in the most trouble at home. I have a rule specifically prohibiting older children from riling up the younger ones near bedtime. He has a hard time distinguishing between having fun and the aforementioned behavior. I'm glad he enjoys being with the family, but there is a time and a place even for fun. This morning I had to work on him with regard to how he was treating the 9 year old. He's entered the time when it's not "cool" to hang out with younger siblings while your friends are around. Last night he went trick-or-treating with some friends instead of his brother. C was crushed. I reasoned with C, and tried to help him see that it was natural for T to be doing things more on his own, and with friends. It didn't seem to help much. When it comes to mistreatment, however, I don't stand for it, and this morning there was no question that his actions were firmly in the arena of mistreatment. Not only was he over the line, he was unrelenting and unresponsive when it came to my warnings. Finally, it became clear that I would have to take him down quite a few notches. When I was finished, his high horse was looking much more like a miniature pony. Amazingly, I maintained my cool through it all. I did it lovingly, but firmly, and made sure that they both knew where I stood when it came to my love for them. They are such great boys, both of them. Their strengths are very different, as are their weaknesses. I love them both dearly, and I need them to know that I will stand between them if necessary. I made sure that T was humble, but not humiliated. I made sure that he knew I loved him, even if I couldn't allow his behavior. The stress on parents when it comes to managing these kinds of conflicts in not negligible. Raising children can be hazardous to your health - especially to hearing and blood pressure. I'm fairly certain, however, that studies would bear out what I find to be true with myself and my five children. They lighten my load more than weigh me down. They bring me joy far more than they give me grief. They surprise and amuse me, they are good for my health, they bring purpose, direction and joy to my life. Raising them is a life I would choose over and over again - even with the acknowledged hazards.

What a difference a year makes

Granted a year is a long time, but in most ways, it was a lifetime ago. We had just moved into our new home, and I was a completely different person. I liked who I was, but I was not nearly as strong as I am today. It makes me wonder if the changes of the coming year will find me an older version of who I am today, or once again, someone new. I'm betting on stronger. This past March I could barely stand to look into the future. Seven months later, I am actively pursuing the future - at least in terms of taking control of what I can control. I'm not afraid anymore. Lest I sound too bold, the peace I possess now has come to me through faith in God. I've been supported and strengthened by angels through the most agonizing trials I've faced in life thus far. I don't know what life will bring, but I'm willing to do my part to make it great. Life is good. A year later, I enjoy knowing the children coming to my door to trick or treat. It's fun to greet neighbors and friends. I enjoy knowing myself better, too.

Planting

In late spring I bought four bags of soil and a bale of peat moss. I fully intended to put them right out into the yard when I arrived home. The lack of flower beds was tiresome to me, I love to see flowers blooming everywhere. We have an abundance of grass, and one little area by the front door which from time to time will allow a flower to grow. It's a nice sized bed, probably about 8 feet by 10 feet, but there's not much soil. Mostly, it grows rocks. I'm sure that they are multiplying - there seem to be more of them every time I try to dig. As far as the soil I purchased goes, it stayed in the garage all summer.
The other day, I was driving around and I had the strangest thought cross my mind. "You need to plant some bulbs." Of all flowers, they are my favorite. I love watching tulips and daffodils come up in the spring. So, yes, I enjoy the flowers - I wanted to plant some. I hadn't purchased any yet, however. I wasn't sure what I wanted. It was just odd to me - "You need to plant some bulbs." Well this morning, my mother called. She had just purchased to big bags of bulbs, one of tulips and one of daffodils, and wanted us to come plant half at her house and take the rest home. That certainly took care of the "what to plant". With lots of hands, (the kids all helped), the work was done quickly. When we got home, I dragged out the soil and peat moss and dumped it in a pile between the two window wells in the front. The bulbs were planted in no time, with the help of my three youngest children. We put most of them in that new flower bed, with one small group near the door. I want to toss some seeds into both of the beds, too. Some Shasta Daisies would be nice. Maybe some Cosmos. I have a lot of seed that I've kept through the years. This is the perfect time to throw them down. It's such a nice surprise when things start to sprout in the springtime. I never had better flower beds than the ones I seeded in the fall. As I recall, I planted those beds in response to a similar prompting. Sometimes things don't grow the way I'd like them to but one thing that is absolutely sure - If nothing is planted, nothing will grow. I'm not sure right now why I needed to plant. It may have to do how wonderful they'll look in the spring. It may be the experience my children had. At any rate, I may never know exactly why - but I needed to plant some bulbs. And now I have. Maybe someday I'll know why.

Parents know everything

I always loved my parents. I thought they were perfect. It was kind amazing to me when as an adult, I realized that they were just people. They were admittedly very good people who had made many good choices and serious commitments to themselves and to their God about how the would raise their children. It today's world, they are a miracle. Growing up in that family was more than just a blessing, it was the greatest gift I received as a child and a person. I think everyone of us six girls would agree. We are still very close as a family, no one is estranged regardless of the choices that we as the daughters have made. I think that one of the most difficult things for parents is the recognition and acceptance of the fact that their children are not perfect and that they will make mistakes like anyone else. We have made mistakes. My parents have been amazing through everything. My mother is an astonishing example of love, faith and patience. My father was not kidding when he said that he married an angel. She may not be perfect, but there isn't much holding her back. Having five children of my own, I recognize that deeply now. I recognize how incredibly strong she was when my Dad was out to sea for months or a year at a time, (he was a Navy Chaplain). She never let us down. She kept her commitments. We were a family, and she was the head at those times. Life for us was the same - we missed Dad, but that was nothing compared to what Mom must have felt. I'm sure she mourned his empty chair each day until he returned. Speaking of my Dad, he never let us down, either. He was, of necessity, physically absent for a while from time to time, but I don't ever recall seeing my mother cry because of him, ever. He cherishes my mother, and we all know it. The only times I remember him really getting upset was when we showed disrespect for my mother. I daresay there aren't many people in the world, unfortunately, that can claim that about their father. Of course as a teen, I was pretty sure that they were out of touch. My mom sewed way more of our clothes than I thought was really smart to admit. And sometimes, my Dad would wear a turquoise shirt with these light yellow pants. We were so embarrassed. You could see the shirt through the pants. I mean seriously. What could be more embarrassing to a teen than being seen in public with your father while he was wearing that? Oh. It was miserable - from a "coolness" standpoint. You know, though, I sensed something about them even then that I know to be true today. They provided an ideal environment for the growth and nurture of young human beings. They were, and still are, amazing. I value their opinions and guidance more now than ever. I will honestly never feel bad that my children love their grandparents so much. If I could, I'd go right back to that awkward stage (you know, the most painful time for a young person in their growing years). I'd soak up all the love and watch them even more carefully with my own children in mind. I'd probably see that I'm doing better than I think I am. I believe that I'm ready to accept the sentence I see coming in the very near future. "Mother of a teenage son." It is inevitable, and I hope to see him through every painful minute. I don't think I'll spend too awfully much of my time worrying about whether or not I'm embarrassing to him. I am what I am. There will be turquoise shirt and yellow pants moments, to be sure - at least from his perspective. But, he'll know that I love him. He probably won't understand how much until much later in his life, but that's fine. Like watching a glorious sunset, and realizing what a beautiful day it had been, I think that's the way it's supposed to be.

Wouldn't you know it

Knowing me, you might be inclined to say that if I can say yes to something, I will. Maybe you'd say that I tend to say yes even when I shouldn't. There's a lot going on in my life right now, some of which is not pleasant. When a friend called to see if I'd like to be involved with The Successful Mothering Convention what I said was, "Let me tell you what's going on with me." The more we talked, however, the clearer it became that this was an opportunity that I shouldn't pass up. So I've been designing signs for their Mini-Convention on November 3rd. Interestingly enough, two old friends of mine that hadn't known each other previously ended up on the executive board of the convention, and when there were needs to be met, they both thought of me. Also, interesting to me, I had been thinking of these two recently - one of them just the night before the phone call. I don't think that was coincidence. I think I'm meant to be working with this group, and that the skills I learn and the people I meet will be valuable to me in the future. I know that some people don't believe in God, but when things like this happen at times like these, I think of Him. I feel His hand in my life and I'm grateful.

Grandma's 90th Birthday Celebration

I don't think anyone would guess that Grandma is 90. She's been with me all my life, and when I look at her she just never seems to change. My uncle made a very nice display of "her life" yesterday. Her Wedding dress and the dress she wore the "rest of the day" on her wedding day were there. That was like reaching back in time. Of course when I see her wedding photos, I can see that she's changed. When I see photos of her taken when I was a small girl, I can see that she's changed. I guess it's my heart that sees her as unchanging. The heart certainly can see. The Grandma I knew as a little girl is still there. She is just as spunky and hardworking as ever and her eyes shine the same way. Physically, her eyes are betraying her, and she can't do most of the things that she used to enjoy so much. She needs naps, because she doesn't sleep very well at night anymore. The last thirty years have taken from her the ability to do just about everything she "used to do." That's very very difficult for her. It's depressing for her. She "used to do" a lot. She had an extensive garden. She preserved just about everything that she didn't eat or give to family and friends. She loved to crochet. She made Afghans for all of her Grandchildren as they graduated from High School. She made a beautiful receiving blanket for my oldest son when he was blessed as a baby. It is one of my prized possessions. She may not be able to do all those things physically anymore, but my heart still sees it. When she smiles I see a thousand other smiles that have crossed her face. When she speaks, I hear so many other things that she's said through the years. I saw this quote recently, and it reminds me of her:
Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together. -Pearl S. Buck
I don't know anyone who wouldn't agree that Grandma is a scolding mother - but it IS love just the same. She was always begging us to keep our shoes on in the house so that we wouldn't catch cold. I can hear her tone and inflection in my mind today as though I were sitting in her living room, 15 years old. It made me laugh then and it still does. Who asks you to put your shoes on in their house? Someone who loves you, that's who. Someone who loves you. That's what my heart sees. She loves me just as much today as when she was sending me out to pick beans and raspberries. . . and not to forget the repellant because the skeeters would eat me alive.

The Book

A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream. I dreamt about a being in a bookstore, captivated by a particular book cover. I studied it carefully. I wondered about the author. Then I woke up. It was so vivid. I went downstairs and sketched the cover. I came back upstairs and wrote the book. Since then I've been working on some illustration concepts. Today, I'll be mailing it to a publisher. It was something that I didn't see coming, but something I'm very glad to have done. I'm excited to see where it will go.

I just have a feeling. . .

You know when you get that feeling, the one that says "It seems like there is something going on that day. . ." but you just can't quite figure out what it is? Well, that feeling is head and shoulders above where I found myself on Sunday. Two big events, one which I must attend and wouldn't miss for the world, the other which I helped to plan. At no time during the three weeks prior did I get "that feeling". With less than a week to go, it dawned on me like the summer sun. There was no way to attend both My Grandmother's 90th birthday party and the "SPA Day" for the women at my church. Funny how that is. Strange that it never once occurred to me that they were on the same day. When I finally recognized my error, it was more than just embarrassing. Fortunately for me, my role in the "SPA Day" was very limited. I'll be able to finish all my assignments and drop everything off before I head up to my Grandmother's for the afternoon. There really is no question where I want to be. I would choose my Grandmother even if it were only her 75th or 21st birthday for that matter. She is quite a woman; someone that I revere and love. Although sitting with my feet in a foot bath sounds like something I'd enjoy any other day of the week, on this particular Saturday, it will be my joy to watch her receive her guests - a great number of old friends and loving family members. I am certainly not the only one who holds her in high esteem. I'm sure that there will be some who will not be able to attend, but thankfully, it won't be me. I have a wonderful feeling that it will be very memorable and something I will cherish having been able to be a part of.

Today, October 18th is her 90th - Happy Birthday Grandma!

Loves of My Life.

Of course, my family my greatest priority. That is, I believe, as my Heavenly Father would have it and I feel good about the choices I make that allow me to be here with them during the day. I love to be the one caring for my little ones. I love to pick my children up from school and be the one to hear all that happened, good or bad, in their days. The are the loves of my life. As we all go through the years, however, they need less and less of my constant attention. They have interests too - it's not all about Mom anymore for most of them. Can I just say, Thank Heaven!

I realized that I haven't sewn much since Q was born. It's too scary. I have recently started a project that has been waiting for at least three years. It has been so much fun - except for the part where Q is nearby and there is a real threat that he may push the pedal down when I'm not paying attention. Like I said, it's scary. I take my health into my own hands, but I love fabric. I love working with patterns and colors. I love making beautiful things for my home and family. I've made several wedding dresses. I have skills, and I really enjoy it. Those skills have often blessed my life and through them I've been able to bless others, also. I love my family, but I'm glad that I can sew. It is one of the loves of my life.

I haven't done much scrapbooking in the last couple of years, either. That said, I never dreamed I'd enjoy doing it as much as I do. I get the same thrill from working with paper that I do when I work with fabrics. The colors, the patterns and the joy of putting it together in unique and creative ways. I've done much more with cards, and have been able to bless people with my card making skills. I've been able to donate cards to a silent auction benefitting a friend with cancer. I've been able to give sets of cards as gifts and in gratitude for kindnesses done for me. I love that it's fast and so creative. Paper crafting is one of the loves of my life.

Lastly, I have truly enjoyed writing. It is like painting with words. I enjoy writing to friends and keeping a journal. It is therapeutic. It is like having a friend who is always listening, but never judges. I can look at my thoughts in black and white and see what makes sense and what doesn't. I can go back later and easily see how I've changed for better or for worse. Starting the blog may be one of the best exercises in writing that I've ever done. I feel more focused in my writing now than I ever have been before. The process has contributed so much to my well-being over the last year that I hesitate to guess where I'd be today without it. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it's hard to estimate the value of something that has been instrumental in putting so much happiness back into my life. I love to write. It is definitely on of the loves of my life.

I love my family, but they are not me. When they think of me, they will probably remember a lot of love and conversation, my devotion to God, and the three things I've mentioned above. That is the essence of my soul. It is a good thing to know who you are and what you love. It makes life meaningful and fills it with joy. These days, my life seems very full of both of those things. Thank Heaven for that.

Do what is right

“ That you may retain your self-respect, it is better to displease the people by doing what you know is right, than to temporarily please them by doing what you know is wrong.”

William J. H. Boetcker

Phone-free zone

It's been an odd day. I think that one of the kids must have pulled my phone out of the bag yesterday at Grandma's house. At first I thought that it was probably just somewhere around here, and I'd hear it eventually, but we've had no ring tone break the silence all day long. When Dan gets home, we'll call over to my parents' to see if they've seen it, or heard it. T has been a little bit obsessed with phones lately. More often than not, over the weekend, the phone was in his hands. He is getting to that age, and I've told him that if I need him to have a phone next year that it will be a possibility. He swears, however, that he wasn't the one who was using it. It will all work itself out, and until then, we'll just be in this phone-free zone collecting messages on our voice-mail.

Diggers and . . .what?!?

The main road leading from the freeway into our neighborhood is under construction. Half of its width is blocked off and completely torn up. There are large orange cones and barrels everywhere along with a plethora of men and large machinery. As we turned onto this road, from the rear of the vehicle I hear from the most unlikely of sources, a warning. My son Q, who is not afraid of anything (except being away from me, specifically and only, when he needs to go to bed) called out, "Be careful, Mom!" I responded quickly, wanting to encourage this burst of caution consciousness. "Yes, Q! We need to be very careful. There are big orange cones and and diggers, and men working everywhere." Just as spontaneously he replies, ". . . and hookers!" Obviously, my instant reaction was uncontrollable uproarious laughter, over a very long, extended period of time. After I regained my composure, I realized that he must have been talking about one of the other large piece of equipment, and yes, there in front of us a big red crane truck with a nice shiny hook. Diggers and Hookers. These are very important things in the world of my four year old son. Someday, when he's much older, I will tell him this story and he will laugh for a long long time. Until then, I will grateful for each innocent day and the joy of a child still untouched by the world he lives in.

Heartbreak and Strength

Go here and weep. First for them, and then in gratitude for the blessings in you own life.

Isabella & Madeline - The Dunn Twins

Feelin' Fine

It's nice to have a taste of success. It suits me. The party went really well, and I just feel like I'm very lucky and blessed to have so many good people around me, and such a fun thing to offer. I've had a great experience so far, and it has only served to reinforce my feeling that it was a good decision to get into this. One more example of how good friends can make a difference in your life by sharing and supporting.
The cutest thing so far is how much Aeryn loves the wax. She walks around the house with a bar, smelling it and saying "Mmmm" over and over. She loves to smell the samples and will sit with anyone at the table and hold them up saying, "pen. . .pen." She loves to share, and will smash them right into your face with some force if you aren't careful.
One of the things that I feel great about are the ideas I've had about getting in to businesses. If some of these ideas work out, it will make the running of the business, and finding new customers very simple. My family (not D) has been a little skeptical, and I can't say that I blame them - but what CAN I say? I just have a really good feeling about everything and it keeps getting better. Things are crazy around here, but they are good.

Breathe in - Breathe out

Today is an exciting day. I'm nervous, and cleaning my house because I have a launch party tonight for my Scentsy business. If you'd like to know more about that specifically, email me and I'll send you a link to my website. Everyone I talked to was very interested and I expect a good turn out. I hope to see some old friends and make some new ones. It's a bit scary, to open your home, especially when you are fairly sure of a good turn out. I'm positive that I have more work ahead of me today than I can accomplish - not so much just in cleaning, but there are just so many things that I'd like to get done beforehand. I want to put together some Stampin' UP! things to display because I'm still doing that, too. I don't want to miss the chance of finding out who might be interested in that as well. A little shopping, and planning. Ready by six? I guess we'll see. I just needed to take a moment to relax my brain. The bathrooms are clean, and it's on to the kitchen for me.

From Time to Time

It isn't so much that family life can hand you a string of difficult, or even painful days, that makes it attractive. Heck, you can get that in ANY life, you don't have to be a part of a large family to have a bad day. You can have a bad day all by yourself and that will be that. There won't be anyone at home needing you to care for their most basic needs, except for you. You can sit in a tub and sip sparkling grape the rest of the night and no one will even notice that you've slipped off the "work" radar. Just try to do that in a house with five non-sleeping children. Try to take a shower or just close a door behind you. My children are like wardens demanding my strict compliance to their rule that "Mommy must have no privacy at any time." Even when I have physical privacy, one of them - usually my four year old son - is outside the door "talking" to me and poking his fingers under the door. Well, and that's just the privacy thing. One must understand that with many people comes the propensity for many problems or sometimes disasters, occurring simultaneously. Often, there are many many crying yelling kicking screaming people in numerous areas of my home, each needing immediate attention. It very often happens the moment I need to have a phone conversation (and I do mean literally "the moment") or when someone has come to my door with important business. Like a volcano, my home can erupt. I can quite often find a quiet spot to continue my phone conversations. All I can do is feel sorry for the person who needs to speak to me at the door. If they don't have a bountiful array of offspring in their own home, they usually wear a look of bewilderment on their faces for a few seconds until they remember why they are standing there and try to communicate their business. More than once, a conversation has started with "How many children do you HAVE?" The correct answer to that question is five, but if I really want to astound the individual I'll add an "only" or a "just". You know, "Only five." The next phrase is usually "I don't know how you do it." On the other hand, if the person has had experience caring for many children, they just smile and nod, usually chuckle a bit and ask "How many do YOU have?" There is an unspoken bond between parents of large families. I have to admit here that I honestly do enjoy little fingers poking out from under the door. It's the ultimate "I want to be close to you" message.
Real life, family style is a string of these events day after day and it can wear you thin. As I said before, however, these are not the things that attract people to family life. The real allure is in the tiniest details and the smallest moments when things are right - or at least the way you imagined they would be. It doesn't happen very often, but it DOES and to a mind conditioned to functioning with chaos and craziness, that moment can seem to last a lifetime as though we were all suspended in time. The trick is to realize that family life isn't supposed to be that way all the time. If our floor was piled high with diamonds, would we recognize the value of them? Anything that is plentiful, we rarely consider a blessing - that's the way we humans are. The chaos is the price we have to pay for eyes to see just how wonderful a family of young children can be, from time to time.

The right thing

The time is always right to do what is right.
--Martin Luther King Jr.

People are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
--Abraham Lincoln

I think we can all agree that these to men had it made. Their lives were easy. They were destined for greatness and arrived there without much thought. The truth is, except for the part about their being destined for greatness, just the opposite. They were in the right place at the right time and accomplished all that they did because they would not give up in the face of great difficulty and opposition. They believed in the value of their work. I don't know if either of them could have recognized, during their foreshortened lives, the impact that they would truly have on the nation as a whole.
There can be no doubt that there were those who didn't agree with them, who fought against them. Doing what is right, however, doesn't guarantee that you will be free from pain or difficulty, it just means that the future consequences of your correct actions will be good. Who would disagree that the consequences of the actions taken by Lincoln and King were good? I hesitate to imagine our nation without either of them, and shudder to think of where we all might be if neither of them had followed the directives of their hearts or had just given up in the face of bitter trials. Everyone has choices to make. We all decide how much of ourselves we are willing to lay on the altar of the "greater good". Sacrifice and selflessness are hallmarks of those who make a difference in the world. Whether to be happy, or not, is also one of those choices and is much less connected to circumstances than most people would like to believe. When we put conditions on our happiness, the likelihood that we will ever find happiness is very small. Contentedness is a blessing. If we are content with what we have, happiness is the next step on the road. Contentedness and happiness almost always travel together.
Happiness in others can be deceiving. People handle their troubles very differently. They cope in different ways. Some are much happier even in extreme circumstances than others who have very little to worry them. I count myself in the category of the very blessed. I have everything I need to sustain my life and to bring life to my living. Still, we can't be certain that a smile isn't concealing enormous burdens. It is the best reason in the world to really care about and get to know others. If you find someone who bears up admirably under difficulty, make them your friend. They will bless your life, and who knows - maybe they will bless the entire nation or the world.

Courage

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." --Ambrose Redmoon

Making the difference

Things don't really make a difference, you know? People make the difference. Things combined with people can sometimes make things great, but leave out the things and keep the people it will probably still be wonderful. A diamond ring at just the right moment with the right person can mean an entire world. Diamond but no person, not powerful, but still lovely. A Diamond and the wrong person might as well be the starting gun for a hundred yard dash. People make the difference. They are what matters. Their value can't be underestimated and their impact can be miraculous. I have a few miraculous people in my life right now. They are making a huge difference in how I see and respond to my world. True friends don't have to do much but be there when you need to talk, and be willing to share real experiences and feelings. Friends don't try to hide behind a facade of seeming perfection. They open their world to you and help you to see the things that you're probably missing. They can make a difference that way, a real difference. They can save you from heartache that they've felt. They can give you hope, almost like a transfusion. It's a lifesaving venture in times of crisis to be a friend when one is most desperately needed. I can only begin to describe how blessed I feel to have such friends at this time in my life. What they mean to me is something indescribable. They are like angels from heaven, and I pray that God will bless them or maybe that He will allow me to bless them, the way they have blessed me.

A Good Day

I love cool clouds. I remember an evening during my college days when the clouds seemed to be in ribbons. Catching the last rays of the sun, peachy, pink they twisted across a turquoise sky. I thanked God that I was alive to see it. Honestly. It was so beautiful, a painting in the sky the likes of which I have never seen since then. I've heard many people say that watching the sun set across a beautiful ocean is their idea of heaven. For some reason, although I love the beach - sunset there doesn't do as much for me as in the mountains. (Nice for me I live in a very mountainous region.)



This photo, I took from the deck of my first home on Halloween 2005. The colors just seemed so appropriate for the night. A year later, we had Halloween in a new house and soon we'll be enjoying another. So many things have changed since I took this photo. The actual people in my life are the same, but the circumstances in so many of our lives are different now. That's okay. Change is natural and although we often fight it like a child at bedtime, it is good for us. A lot is changing for me still, but I have hopeful feelings. I believe in good things to come. Like today, I feel like today is going to be a good day. There is something in the air. For now, it's time to get on with the living of it.

Have a wonderful day and a beautiful sunset wherever you are.

More good quotes

"Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such." -Henry Miller

"I have always felt that the moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours." -Monica Baldwin

“Coming together is a beginning.

Keeping together is progress.

Working together is success!”

-Henry Ford

Family

D's parents have moved to St. George - a city within 4 hours of us. His brother has lived in Las Vegas for the last 3 years. Prior to this, both families lived on the East Coast, and visits with them were infrequent. I've really enjoyed spending time with our sister-in-law (M) over the past couple of years. She and I share some similar life experiences which adds a depth of understanding and compassion to our relationship. It's nice to finally have a chance to develop that relationship, and to be friends. D's brother's children are older than ours by a few years on the long end. His twin girls were born only a couple of months before T was born. They are very sweet and caring with our children. Patient, interested and fun to be with, our brood loves to visit with them. Like most brothers, D and his sibling have existing issues. In general, as adults, everyone has learned to behave and we can enjoy the time we have together. The visit this time was for the specific purpose of celebrating D's mother's birthday with her - something we haven't been able to do for 10 years. It was wonderful. Every bit of it. M is a fantastic cook, a stunningly good hostess. She thinks of special things that fly over my head like a flock of birds. (I haven't even begun the beginner's hostess course.) She nails the role, and then thanks us for coming, in a most sincere tone. I honestly haven't seen D's mom and dad that relaxed in a long time. I think that it has been very good for them. I believe that it is going to be very good for us, too. The sad part is, that in the rush to get ready, I forgot the birthday cards. I need to get some belated birthday and thank you cards out for Mom, the twins and M. I may not be a good hostess but I can be a good guest. I can make cards - and I better get to it. A little more refining and polishing never hurt anyone, especially me.

Time, the Great Iron

Time has a way of working out the wrinkles out of life. T had a big wrinkle on Friday - his friends decided not to be his friends anymore. He was, of course, devastated. Life was over. There was just no use going on, because as anyone who has been eleven plainly knows - your friends are everything. On the whole, T has been well accepted by the kids at the "new" school. He is amiable and wants to fit in. He is a little prone to following due to that fact. The friends he's made definitely possess more dominant personalities, and he doesn't mind. They are smart and well liked. He's an easy addition to the crowd because he doesn't rock the boat much. Until Friday. He declared that the game they were all playing together was unfairly weighted for one team, he was sick of it and didn't want to play anymore. Imagine his shock when the rest of the boys gathered in a group and discussed "him" - standing just close enough for him to hear his name being thrown around. One of the boys came over to him afterward and apologized. He didn't like what had just happened, and wasn't going to hang with the group's decision to vote T "out". On Friday, as far as he knew, he had one friend left. I'm not ashamed to say that of all the boys, that singular friend was the one I had been most impressed with all along. Character is more evident at 11 and 12 than one might think. I wasn't especially surprised to learn that it had been this boy who remained a friend in the face of the cruelty of the others. I was astounded that the others would be so fickle and unkind.
Monday after school, he was fine. All of the boys had returned to him and apologized for being mean. They did want to be friends after all. I asked T if he was sure it was what he wanted, and he seemed confident that everything was going to be fine. In my mind, however, this was a shot over the bow of my baby boy's ship. I wonder if it isn't a harbinger of other difficult things to come in the future. There was another lesson, however that seems even more powerful. Time often takes care of things that seem much to large for us to work out on our own. Sometimes, it flattens us, along with the wrinkles. Time proves us, right or wrong. Most often, it proves our worrying of no use. It lessens pain and smoothes even the grandest of mountains.
For me, there are quite a number of mountains on the horizon. I'm learning to take one day's journey at a time, and not to try to climb the mountains that are still in the distance. The time it will take to reach them is time to prepare, and that alone can make a difficult climb much easier.

Checking in

I've had some longtime friends checking in lately. It has been great. I needed it. Turner had a major falling out with his friends at school on Friday. Should know today what the permanent situation will be like. We spent the weekend with Dan's family in St. George and Las Vegas, and it was a wonderful time. More on those issues later.

Right now, Q is bored. He is interpreting this as hunger. This post will not be a long one. "Mommy, I'm hungry, and I'm hungry and I'm hungry." Kicks sister. "You have to give me lunch. You have to give me lunch. Give me lunch." Whinese is not my favorite language, although I assume that I was once quite fluent in it. "Please, give me lunch. You won't give me lunch." Time to go. My brain is about to explode.

Sometimes you just can't sleep

I was wide awake at 3:30 a.m. this morning. At 4 a.m. none of the regular things had helped and I gave into boredom. I got up and read and found some online tutorials for AutoCAD. The only problem that I can see is that AutoCAD only runs on PCs and this is a Mac household. The tutorials are great, however. I'm sure I'll be able to learn what I need to know. After that I wrote a little bit in my journal, had a shower and it was time to start the day.
Now it's 2 p.m. and I'm exhausted. The kids will be ready to come home from school in about an hour. The two younger ones are watching Curious George. I've started the laundry. Soon, I'll make my bed. (I washed the sheets today.) I had hoped that my Scentsy things would be here today, but it looks like they haven't even shipped yet. (Also something easy to check on when you don't have any plans in the wee hours of the morning.) I'm just coming up with things to do to keep my engine running until I can get a little nap. I used to be a night owl, but I suppose that has gone the way of our five children. I need to figure out what to do next, to keep myself awake . . . because this plan is quickly becoming . . . less effective. . . zzzzzz . . . .

Thoughts about Grandma

My Grandmother will be 90 years old in a little over a month. Here are some thoughts I wrote down about her today:

As a small child, I used to run straight to the Northwest corner of Grandma's living room. That's where she kept the "toys". As I grew, I loved so many things about Grandma's house. Her lovely garden was always a springboard for my imagination, and the fruits and vegetables filled up more than our stomachs. With Evan's farm so close, we also had hours of fun feeding cows and calves. Grandma often gave us small baby food jars filled with cream to shake into butter. There were long country roads to walk. There were stories of childhoods long gone: ponds, cousins and horse draw buggies and sleds. As I have added my own childhood to those in the stories, I have also enjoyed watching my own children run for the toys in the Northwest corner, visit baby cows, and walk on those roads. There isn't anyplace sweeter to me than my Grandmother's house. In my memories, her garden beds will always be filled with irises and snapdragons. There will always be pots upon pots overflowing with Geraniums. There will always be raspberries and long string beans. She will always have a crochet project next to her comfy chair and there will always be a smile on her face. Most importantly, I know that in each day of her life, there is a testimony of the gospel for me to draw on and a love of the Lord that I can emulate and pass to my children and grandchildren as humbly as she has given it to me.

Movement

I find that I am caught in a river of new activities. They encompass pieces of my whole life - professional, personal and family. I've still got my old business, but I'm starting in a new one. I have a new job at church. I'm doing more with my hobbies finally, and submitting my work for publication. D's parents have moved here from New York, and so we will be spending more time traveling to be with them than we have before. That's just the new stuff. All the old stuff is still kicking around. For a long time I felt like I was stuck somewhere, but there's no chance of that feeling sneaking in right now, even if there is no change on the front that isn't moving along quickly. I just hope that I can keep up, and keep things organized. (Reminder to self: Find planner that the kids removed from my bag while at Grandma's last week.) I'm trying to accomplish as many things with singular efforts as I can, like promoting both businesses as once. One area will require it's own time, because it's completely new to me and there's more to it than I thought there'd be. The church job. I am in charge of helping those in my area prepare some kind of food and water storage. Along with that, I am on a committee and have the responsibility to organize a service project. Never been there, never done that. One thing I've learned as a mother of five children is that nothing happens without effort, and that effort usually has to be squeezed in between and around other things. I consider that a fantastic advantage. It's like the cutting edge rocket science of life-management. If I can keep my wits about me, I just might survive this river run. I have on my life preserver so I'm sure I'll be fine.

The Sweetest Thing

There isn't much in the world which is more powerful to me, than to look at photos of my children as newborns. Babies are cute, but it is more than that. Having seen them grow, knowing their faces now, and then to look back. It is so amazing. Even then, they were themselves. It is such a blessing for me to have been there each and every moment of their lives. Their endearing and identifying features were already there. So tiny, and yet so whole and complete already. It is funny, also, to think about their personalities. How much of their temperament was already recognizable and unique. Each one of them was, and still is, so different. Each one of them a treasure. Losing myself in the photos is like being transported back over space and time to when they were so new. It is the purest joy I have known in this world. The sweetest thing is to have these beautiful faces, still, to greet me everyday.

Thinking in the Shower

Some people sing in the shower, I know some of my children do. Today, I was thinking in the shower. I had just been on the internet and seen a photograph of two people who in my paper-craft-world mind are both celebrities. One is, granted, more well known. The second person was so excited to have been able to meet the first person. I know of both of them through their work, and the fact that their work has spawned companies for which they are the spokesperson. The thought crossed my mind that everything out there in the world was started by someone, or a small group of individuals. A face behind everything - whether it is the public face or not. Then, for me the most powerful thought - "What do I want to put myself behind?" "What would I be willing to work for?" For the most part that question is really already answered. There are however, small pockets of time in my life which are still mine. I'm not saying that I want to start a company, just that I want to be deliberate about what I associate myself with. I don't want that to be an accident, I want it to be a choice. I want to be associated with things and people that are good, uplifting and wholesome. I want to warm people up and make them feel happier. I'd like to bring a little joy and discovery into their lives as well, if possible. They are simple things, my goals. I believe that I already have the tools to accomplish most of them.

Birthday details

I started making dinner on my birthday about 6:45 p.m. My stomach was a little bit upset, and I wasn’t keen on eating much of anything, so I settled on mashed potatoes, corn and barbecued chicken. I had it just about done when Dan came in the door, with flowers and chocolate.

Now, that was a surprise.

He returned to the car, and came back in with strawberries and angel food cake.

Now, there was another surprise.

As he cut the strawberries, he told me that he had left work early, but there was a lot of traffic. I told him that it was good that he hadn’t come home any sooner, because I wouldn’t have had a clue what we’d be having for dinner. “I thought I’d left early enough to come home and make you dinner.”

And now, I’m dumbfounded.

From that point, he did everything. He served everyone dinner, and then birthday cake, and he (with a little help from the boys) cleaned it all up. I sat back and enjoyed - it’s hard to soak in so much pampering and attention. I am not ashamed to say that I loved it, it was just wonderful. I’m writing it down but, I won’t forget anytime soon.
This might be normal birthday fare for some, but not generally here. Dan isn’t much for celebrating birthdays, maybe because his own birthday is five days after Christmas. Growing up, his birthdays weren’t much fun for him, and generally his siblings (he was the youngest) treated it like Christmas leftovers. He makes "the cake" - and I am talking a Most Delicious Sour Cream Chocolate from scratch Cake. He always finds a gift. I can't have that cake anymore, though because of all the fat. I wasn't sure what he'd do. I just wasn’t expecting all of the time that he spent thinking about it, and making things nice for me. That one detail puts a glow on the entire evening.

You say it's my birthday?

I got the email yesterday. I was not selected this time, but I don't intend to quit - this was after all my first try for a design team. It does, however, give me good reason to get out there into the world of submitting my work to publishers. I want to find out what makes me and my work different - and I can only find that out by doing the work.
We are at a good place, a positive change place. Little things here and there like light fixtures and art on the walls. I got a giant magnet board last week, which I'm excited about. I don't think I'll have time to paint its frame today however, I've got to go and get the car inspected and sit in line at the DMV. Unfortunately, that is probably what I'll be doing today, on my birthday. If I can get that accomplished, I'll drive to this store I know of and get myself some paper! I'd go to that store right now, (the birthday has got to be got to be good for something!) except that I don't want to risk getting pulled over for expired tags!
As far as another year is concerned, I have only this to say. I still believe that the best is yet to come.

Gellin'

I feel like I'm headed into a creative zone, in a big way. I've been a collector for a while now, gathering things that I wanted to use someday on projects that were in my head. Well, I've started to put some of those things together now, and it looks good. The project is important to me, a center piece of my family history. These pages that I'm putting together now are the births of my children. I have all of the photos I'll need gathered up - a fairly simple process really since I've stored them in an organized way. Even better, as I've looked through the items that I've collected over literally years, I've found some which will greatly enhance my original plan while at the same time simplifying some parts of it. It's hard to explain, except that I just know it's going to work. I have that good feeling that I often get right before a fit of really successful work. That is something I am going to diligently try not to ignore.

Tomorrow should also be the day I get a yes or no phone call from Cornish Heritage Farms. I'm glad that I did it no matter what the answer is. That is a great feeling. I just feel good about it and I won't be disappointed either way. These kinds of feelings don't come around very often - or maybe I'm just growing up enough that my confidence is more solid. I'm gellin' as they say - comfortable and happy with myself and where I'm headed.

Don't worry

I sent my submission to CHF last night, so we'll see how it goes. I am excited to have done it and strangely at peace. I don't feel the nervousness which I thought I would. I'm really okay with whatever happens - maybe I'm not "desperate" enough, or I don't want it badly enough. What I do know is that I am learning to let go of things that I can't control. I frankly don't have the time or energy to put into it.

I found a quote the other day on Ali Edwards' blog that seems to say what I'm can't.
Dawna Markova : I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

Why waste a day worrying when there is so much that can be done to improve it? We have rules, and I reiterate the rules. I know that they are going to test the rules. It is the nature of curious children to test the rules. I try not to worry about messes that the kids will make either, because I know that the messes are going to happen. Sometimes BIG ones. Sometimes sticky ones. Often while in the process of breaking rules. There is almost no limit to the amount of imagination a child can transpose into mess form. Clean, happens - its true - but you can always be quite sure that mess is not far behind. Why worry?

I try to keep them safe. It's hard to improve on whole, healthy, intact bodies. I teach them not to fight, because angry voices destroy the peace we want in our home. Often enough, however, even these basic functions of motherhood find themselves thwarted. Sometimes, there is blood. Sometimes we need a stitch or two. Sometimes all you can hear is angry voices. This is the reason that some people have nannies. I take time when I need it, to talk to friends or relax. I do have to suffer through the craziness, but I'm also the one that gets all the good stuff. I watch it all happen, all day long, every day. No one can tell me that missing out on Q's tirades would be worth it. When I hear from those same little lips, a very sweet little voice saying, "I love you so much, Mommy. You're the best!" I know simultaneously what that voice is capable of and it melts me into a lump. You have to taste the bitter to know the sweet. You have to know the mess to appreciate the clean. You have to hear a lot of noise to truly savor a quiet moment.

Blogs for Boys

Yesterday morning, I set up blogs for the boys. First, we had to set up email accounts for them. I set up their blogs, under my ownership, and then invited them, via their new email accounts, to be guest posters. Then I got them their very own google blogger accounts so that they can sign in, and access their blog without going through mine. It was fun. They really enjoyed seeing their own blog space, ready to roll. It will be interesting to see what they do with it. Just like anything, I want to help them to keep it as private as possible: photos that they take of objects rather than people, no full names, no personal information. I want them to use it, mostly because writing is such a great exercise for the mind and writing well is a confidence booster, especially at their young ages.
So, we finished getting it all set up, and as I came out of the office E looks at me with puppy dog eyes. "Let me guess, you want your own blog, too?" She nods, with a sad little smile. I told her that we'll see how the boys do, and if they can work it out okay without too much help from mom, we'll think about it. That was enough, surprisingly. I think that she was happy that I recognized the look on her face, and was able to divine what she was communicating. Sometimes, people just like to know that they've been heard. I think, in the end, that is what blogging for me is all about.

The Lightbulb Moment

Yesterday my eldest, T, was so on top of his lawn mowing duties that I was floored. When he came into the office I was surprised and asked if he had already mowed. He nodded. Then, the words that every mother (and father) dream will come across the lips of their children were uttered by none other than the boy himself. "Mom, did you know that if you just do the work, and don't complain about it, it gets done a lot faster?" He was very impressed with this discovery. I was in complete shock, my brain telling my lips, "you need to say something, fast. . . you need to reinforce this, huuurrry uuupppp! . . ." I think I said something really intelligent like, "Isn't it great how that works?" We talked a little more about the phenomenon and I was understandably enthusiastic. Simply put, in this home we also harbor some major whiners and they look up to T in larger than life ways. He is, after all, "in the sixth grade" which is then end of the known universe for C & E. If my son has truly had a learning moment, his good example will flow to the others like honey from a spoon. Just the thought of a little less whining, oh it's heavenly. Come to think of it, C didn't complain at all about mowing, either. I'll have to throw in a little more thanks and praise today. Next to having a big brother doing the right thing, nothing beats a mom or dad who make sure you know when you've done something wonderful.

A Beautiful Day

It's funny, I spent all afternoon playing with a Mondrian color type design, and then after I finished the shells, all I could think about was "simplify, simplify." I ditched everything but the textured soft sky cardstock and I loved it. Really, loved it - the shells came out just as I had hoped. (After about two tries on each one.) Only a couple more things to go. I haven't decided whether to use the "birthday boy" card or not. I'm just not sure. I guess if I don't come up with anything that I like better, I'll use it.

For the last couple of days, the kids have been having a lot of fun cutting up scraps of cardstock and making things. One benefit of my creative work is THEIR creative work. Yesterday Q made dolls of himself and his Dad and stapled their hands together. He caught E's imagination, and she wanted to do the same thing, but couldn't figure out what he was doing, and needed help with the process. Q is just that way, he figures things out and has a blast "creating". The funniest part was when he brought me a couple of small pieces of paper (perfectly sized for the job) and said, "Mom, will you staple my butt on?" He even figured out that he needed to clean up his own mess, by which I was dumbfounded. The boy constantly amazes me - he is very complex. It is going to take a very intelligent woman to be a good companion to him.

The Response!

Hello Abby,

Thanks so much for the information you provided. The consensus is that we would invite your submission to the Fresh Face Call.

Best of luck,
Lisa

Another Day

I'm beginning to understand how some women get so much done. Nerves. I'm generally fairly relaxed but I've been on pins and needles for the last 24 and counting hours. I'm still waiting for CHF to get back to me on the "you may" issue that I mentioned yesterday. I've been working on things regardless, because I don't want to let the time get away from me. Either way, I will consider it a fantastic experience. At the same time I'm wading through the suspense of it all, I realize that she is taking time on my behalf and will respond when she can. I have so much to be grateful for, and I feel like this is an important road for me. I'm excited to see where it all takes me. I'll just keep on keeping myself busy until the answer comes and be glad that I have a lot to keep me busy. I'm always busy, there is always so much to be done. I don't always have something to look forward to, however. I'm finding that elusive "something" (at least for me ) has been a by-product of creative competition. It ratchets me up just a little bit and pushes me to make goals during the day. My Stampin' Up! business does similar things for me, as far as motivating me to be creative, but this takes everything a little further up that road. I'm working on a pretty intricate project at the moment, so when I get it finished, I'll post it. We'll see. Only time will tell.