It's Nine a.m.

I need to leave by Eleven. I have work to do for two employers today. I had yesterday off, but it was not relaxing. Emotionally, I haven't begun to sort through it yet and my body it enacting it's own form of violent takover. I feel like I could cry, but I'm pretty sure it's just wicked hormonal cycles rather than deep bubbling "needing to be worked through" feelings. Still like I said, I haven't started to sort through yesterday, yet.
Yesterday really isn't a big deal. I'm taking care of my friend's daughter while he's in Europe with his band. It's only ten days, and honestly I don't really get to see much of him when he's here. We both have very busy lives: lots of obligations and tons of general life issues to sort out, categorize, weigh and ponder. For some reason though, I guess that I am missing him—probably because I KNOW he's really far away. . . OK, fine. I'm really crying now. I guess I did need to work through some feelings. I take it for granted that he's "there"—closeby if I need a hug or a pep talk. I'll have to listen to those feelings more later. I have no idea what on earth to do with them even that there is really anything that I can do with them. Whatever it is, it's okay.
It's ten after Nine, though now, and I've still got time that I need to spend with my children. Precious little more than an hour to love them before I leave for work. When I get home, they'll be with their dad for the rest of the weekend. Monday is the first day of school. I'm going to be over at the school on Monday to take my kindergarten girl for her assessment. I'm grateful for the excuse to be at the school a little bit, to see them and give them hugs. I will have them three days next week and then they'll be back with their Dad for another weekend. . . a weekend which includes my birthday. It's painful. . . I had no idea how much it would hurt to have so little time with them. Days like today, I'd love to just sit quietly and hold them as much as they'd let me. I hate leaving for work when I know that they'll be gone when I get home. It feels wrong.
It is a huge blessing to have my friend's daughter here for two of the three weekends in a row that the kids will be with their dad. It helps him, but it will help me, too. I'm grateful.
It's just a rockin' time of year, this part. It's a time to float, a little bit. Do only the absolutely necessary and allow the rhythm of things to carry me. I'll take it all day by day. Before I know it, mid-September will be upon us and we'll all be headed up to the lake for some quiet happy days together. I'll survive.
It's nine thirty.

Where I want to be. . .

So, I have all these plans and they are great plans. I live in a beautiful place, truly enviable in it's beauty. It's a good place, where I am in my life—and it's where I want to be almost all the time. Today, however, is overcast and quite chilly. Today, I am experiencing a little wanderlust—ok fine, more than a little.
Last year we went to Grand Teton and Yellowstone in August. That was smashing fun! This morning, I was craving a little jaunt to Jackson. I had that "I'd rather be in Jackson" sticker on my virtual forehead. I moved on with my day, thinking about the mountains and meadows and lakes in the Grand Teton area. . . so lovely. My five year old needed some snuggle time, so I left my work and sat with her a while. I was thinking about, and telling her about when I was a child. I spent some of my formative years in San Diego, also a very beautiful place. No sooner had that thought passed through my mind than I was craving a little time at the beach. It's been a long time since I had some time at the beach and she has not been to the beach. . . such a shame! I really do miss the sound of the water and the waves washing up over my feet as I walked along the coast. I enjoy my evening beach memories most. I loved going with friends. The light of the moon reflected on the ocean and the feel of the sand. Ah yes. . . so lovely. . . and I moved on with my day.
I have some plans for a little travel in September—to a fun cabin by a lake. I want to work in some day trips with the kids when we have holiday time this summer. My ten year old really wants to visit her cousins and we've been trying to work that out for a year. I think it's about time we just make the trip, even if I can only get one extra day off work and we only have one full day there—for her, I think it will be worth it.
I suppose it's a good thing that I can't just go anywhere I please at any moment. Commitments and reality are demanding. I think it's important though, to listen to what your heart longs for. You could allow reality never to include pauses for beautiful journeys, but then what would you have to look back on for inspiration and joy on cloudy days? I could say that there just isn't time for a visit to the cousins, but then the memories we might have made won't be able to warm my daughter's heart when she is grown. Good memories are riches, and they are worth the treasure hunting and adventure necessary to make them.

Yoga, Injuries and Life Lessons.

I broke my baby toe about a week and a half ago. I've been protecting it like a mother bear after my children attacked it mercilessly for a few days following the initial injury. Even with the potential pain, I needed some stretching last week. It was surprisingly easy to keep it out of harm's way. Carpets aren't nearly as prone to kicking and crushing broken toes as children are. I was relieved, and the Yoga was very effective and wonderfully soothing.
As I go through my workout, there is a move where you transition from downward facing dog to upward facing dog. Basically, from an "A" shape, feet never moving, through a plank position pushing forward until your torso is facing forward with your arms unbent at your sides. (I'm sure that's really confusing. It was hard for me to figure out how to do physically, let alone describe with words.) As I pushed through the plank position this time, I remembered a time when I had taken a terrible fall down my friend's front concrete steps a few years ago. I caught myself on my hands. I had not broken my wrists, but it took weeks for the muscles to heal to the point where they could bear weight or support anything at all. . . like a skillet I needed to place on a stovetop. It was much longer until I could twist my hands naturally. Now, I caught my breath as I realized that it has been more than I year since I needed to baby my right wrist through that move. I remember wondering if it would ever heal completely. I hardly remember it happening, it's healing, it was so gradual. . . but it has healed.
The next thought I had was of gratitude, that I had this thread of Yoga to remind me of where I've been physically, and show me where I am now. I think there are many threads in our lives, if we will practice consistently, which will serve us the same way. The things we practice, which we love and which make us who we are will serve to mark our path and show us how far we have truly come.

Mark Twain thoughts.

Take out your brain and jump on it—It gets all caked up. —Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens, at age thirty had a dime to his name. He was distraught and alone. He tried to end his life and failed. I think we can all agree that our world would not be the same if he had succeeded. That was twenty years before he wrote Huckleberry Finn.

Near the end of his life, he wrote this:


What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it.
Who was it who said, "Blessed is the man who has found his work"? Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work--not somebody else's work. The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who has found some other man's work and cannot lose it. When we talk about the great workers of the world we really mean the great players of the world. The fellows who groan and sweat under the weary load of toil that they bear never can hope to do anything great. How can they when their souls are in a ferment of revolt against the employment of their hands and brains? The product of slavery, intellectual or physical, can never be great.
- "A Humorist's Confession," The New York Times, 11/26/1905


Find your work, not someone else's work.

Love your life. Celebrate it.

Some Photos and Some Quotes.

Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction. —Al Bernstein

Penicillin, X-rays, rubber, even Silly Putty and Post-It Notes

were all fortuitous by-products of looking for something else.

—Hirsch Goldberg.

Every exit is an entry somewhere else.

Remember that Columbus was looking for India

when he found America.

—Tom Stoppard

In every problem or set back there is the seed of an equivalent

or greater benefit—if you will only stop and look for it.

—Bob Moawad

quotes from the book think big. . . compendium incorporated

Photo Printing.

A while back I got caught up on about 6 years worth of unprinted digital photos. I sent them to Costco and in one fell swoop I was set. I felt that I had truly come a long way in terms of emotional health. I was able to look at photos of the last four years of my marriage without a great deal of pain. I wanted the photos, and I was ready to document the good times of those four years, at the very least. I want my children to have a record of the happy things we've seen together. I want to make a beautiful record of family vacations and the fun things we've done, for them to look back on and enjoy. So, anyway, like I said, I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Until yesterday morning. I went to look for photos of my youngest's first birthday (she just turned five) and you know what? I hadn't printed them. There were about six months that I missed when I was ordering prints. It just happens to be, what a surprise, the most emotionally difficult six months of my life. I love the photos, and I had uploaded them to Costco, I had just not ordered the prints. So yesterday, I did. Among the photos I took during those six months are some of my all time favorites of my children. I can't say why I didn't get them ordered before. I can say that I am really happy to have them now. I'm very very happy. Another little milestone.

I'm Impressed!

It’s amazing what comes out of a small change.

I started a blog last week, for old and current members of the Beja branch. . . It grew out of the conversation I had with some friends last Thursday. From that, and the fact that I got off Facebook this month (the small change). I’ve started blogging again. . . which has in turn sparked my desire to get out and take photos. . . and at THIS moment, I have this amazing sense that I am finally coming around to myself, again. I see the answer to some of the problems I'm facing. All I need to do, is be myself, and do the things I love to do. It is invigorating, and I’m thrilled!


I’ve been having this feeling in different kinds of ways, on and off, for a while. First, I felt it pretty strongly as I was contemplating my career choices, schooling and the general sense of self understanding that I’ve gained in the last year. That was a Hallelujah moment! Also during the last year I had put some things on the back burner—things that were very core to me. I was using Facebook for social and hobby stuff. I was posting my photos and thoughts to Facebook rather than my blogs. It’s not that blogs are “better” per se, just that I feel like they are more where I need to be, I guess. I have some opportunities to touch people through the work I do there. It’s very uplifting work which reaches people all over the world. I'm excited to get back to it!


From that, I made a small goal. One post to each blog weekly. That’s not excessive, at ALL. That’s doable. It will push me to work on craft things and photography so that I have something to post. I’ve been trying to work the motivation out on those for a while now. Now I have it. Wonderful! I wrote that goal down and put it on my computer. Then I thought of some other things I want to do (scripture study, prayer, exercise and vitamins). I made another little note with four things and the number of times each week I’d like to do them. Then, on my desk calendar, I made a small box on Saturday to record hash marks for each item. That’s an easy goal/plan in two sticky notes and a little box. . . easy accountability. Excellent! I need to get to bed now. I hope I can sleep. . . :)

Keep Your Eye on the Prize

There is going to be stream of consciousness thought here. Run now if you hate that kind of thing.

So much in life is unknowable. . . until we know. The future, for instance—until it arrives with the answers we are waiting for, we simply cannot know what it will be. We have hunches, ideas and desires for the future, but we don't know when we will become ill or when there will be accidents. We can prepare for things and work to avoid negative consequences but we don't always see difficulties coming. At times we don't even see them coming when they are as plain and as noisy as a Mack Truck headed for our front door. We look away, we ignore and then we pay the price; we learn, we grow & we find ourselves smiling again in time.

For so long I've been floating, sometimes with an obvious current giving me direction and sometimes with nothing but the feeling that I simply should not panic. . . that floating as a means of survival was doing more than 'fine'. You know they actually teach the survival float in Red Cross water safety training right? Here's something I wrote about this a while back:


I've been teaching my children to float when we go to the pool. It is the first rule of water safety. Panic is your aquatic enemy. You must relax completely and be absolutely still. It occurs to me that in life, as well, thrashing around and panicking in a sea of stress is wasted energy, and possibly even emotionally lethal. We are often told to "Be Still." At times like this, even when there is literally a SEA of stress that seems as if it would swallow me whole, quiet faith calls for that stillness. Experience has taught me to follow my heart, and allow the greater powers of the universe to guide my life.

One of the things I found while I was floating, which I feel is aligned perfectly with this mindset, is this little guide (The Woman's Book of Confidence by Sue Patton Thoele):

Understand and Honor Needs

Have Realistic Expectations

Ask for Help

Abolish Guilt

Here's what I think most of us do, most of the time:

Ignore and Discredit Needs

Nurse Unrealistic Expectations

Insist on Self-Reliance
Hoard Guilt


I think that for the most part, most of this do these things to Ourselves without even a second thought to the emotional impact it has on us:

We pretend that we have no needs. We pretend that we have no desires. We pretend that we are inert objects made for the purpose of loving and protecting children and family. . . and WAIT! It gets even better. . . We actually feel GUILTY about any needs or desires that we have. We DO! Don't we!

We push ourselves to do more with less until we are doing everything with nothing and wonder why we "feel" empty. Hmmm. . . Really?!? Yes! Because we ARE empty.

We judge our weaknesses against the strengths of others, convincing ourselves that we are less-than if we can't achieve the same things they can. . . and they are probably doing the same thing looking at our strengths. . . the mutual self-depreciation society.


We refuse to lean on others, family and friends, ANYONE. . . we tell ourselves that no one will understand, we convince ourselves that we are alone in our struggles. . .which is the actual reason that we ARE alone.


We feel guilty about things like not perfectly following every regimen that will lead to optimal health, for heaven's sake—as if 'good' health wasn't nearly enough. . . or even more ridiculous— we feel guilty for being absolutely NORMAL because that photo-shopped photo on the cover of that Magazine shows a mother of three with more muscle definition than AhNold. 


What's wrong with this picture? A lot. I'm pretty sure that most of us can identify with at least one of these statements. Well, it's time to break free. Wherever that garbage comes from, that's all it is. Garbage. . . and it's high time we take the Garbage OUT!


Ponder the meaning of Understanding and Honoring Needs. This goes far beyond simple selfishness. This is an acknowledgement of our HUMANITY for heaven's sake. We are human. We have needs. We do ourselves a great disservice in pretending that we can go on forever without filling our own reservoir. We need to take time to appreciate and nurture the tender soul within ourselves, not just the souls of those around us.


Accept the Peace of Realistic Expectations. Enough SAID!


Support groups aren't just for therapy. Don't isolate yourself. WE MUST surround ourselves with friends who love us and appreciate us for who we are. WE MUST build a network of people that we can trust with our true selves, who will not judge us, who will give us sound advice and guidance, and who will lend us strength. WE MUST determine who we can count on, and then turn to them when we need them.


LET IT GO! We are not perfect. No one needs to be told that they are not perfect, but everyone needs to be taught to give themselves permission NOT to be perfect. Feeling guilty about not being perfect is the MOST wasted energy in the universe. We need to take things a day at a time. We need to listen to ourselves, take note (in a kindly self-sustaining way) of areas in which we'd like to improve, making no demands. Instead of using guilt as the motivator, we can put that energy into ourselves instead.


The prize? Happiness. Wholeness. Peacefulness. 


Keep your eye on that and take OUT the trash that keeps you from it.

Go Here. Read This.

The Cracked Jar