Sweet little Baby talk

A great Q-ism:

Hungey-a-boats (Boats for short) - Honey Bunches of Oats

A sweet A-ism & one of her most common utterances of late:

"Winnie dit" - Q did it

A Gaelic Blessing

These are the words to a choral piece written by John Rutter. I was able to sing it once, and it has been one of my favorites ever since. I think I will be listening to it all day today. I need to maintain that deep peace of Christ, the light of the world, in my heart and mind. I would love to put the song on my blog so that you could listen to it, but I can't find any that are available (ready to share or not copyrighted.) John Rutter's arrangement is phenomenal, and the music adds so much to the words. iTunes has it if you haven't heard it before and would like to get a taste for it.

At any rate, these are the words to A Gaelic Blessing:

Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining stars to you.
Deep peace of the gentle night to you;
moon and stars pour their beaming light on you.
Deep peace of Christ, the light of the world, to you.

The calm before the storm

You know that phenomenon where, right before a winter storm, things will suddenly warm up a lot? I guess that's where you might say that we are, now. D and I are in agreement. We have defined the state of our relationship. A calm peaceful feeling has settled over things. We have 5 really good reasons to maintain that friendship, and I hope that we can. I have more hope for that than just about anything else, truthfully. In many ways, it is like coming full circle - we've always been good friends and I hope that we always will be. My hope is that the storms of the future will stem from other things in our lives and that for the sake of those five sweet children, the storms of the last 1 1/2 years will be forever a part of the past.

First Counseling Appointment

Seeing the counselor was great. Surprisingly, to me, she told me the same thing - almost word for word, that I told D in September. Not surprisingly, D doesn't agree with that estimation of things. At this moment I feel far more confused than I did when I went - but not because of what she said. Reality is simply far more complicated than the conclusions that you can come to in a counselor's office.

Note to a Dear Friend (9-15-2005)

Hi K,
Thanks for being my vent the other day. It took just enough steam off of my brain so that I could be on with the day. Q is my little jekyl and hyde child. All day today he has been sweet as my favorite ice cream. Lots of "Thank you, Mommy" and big big smiles. Some days with him are almost more that I can bear. He's looking all day for the "thing he wants" and just can't seem to figure out what that thing is. Meals with him on those days can be lengthy and laborious. One day for lunch, I made him 2 different kinds of sandwiches, a hot dog and a corn dog. With ALL of those things in front of him, he finally settled down, and started to eat. He nibbled a little bit on every single one. I was shell shocked after that. If it were like that everyday, I'm sure I'd be in a straitjacket.
There are a lot of things about motherhood that probably every mother could relate to. One thing, however, is that each family is so unique. Like God's own family, each person is unique and amazing with so much potential. I try to remember that when I see children that behave differently than my own. Like when I'm standing in line at the post office trying to keep mine from staging a coup, watching mothers with quiet children who seem to be afraid to breathe. I'm excited to see what mine do with their lives. Looking into the future, when I won't be the only one responsible for their actions is amazingly comforting. I suppose that my happiness in looking forward has a good deal to do with the fact that I like my life and I'm hopeful that they'll be happy, too. 
Abby

More from my past journals - I think it's obvious why I decided to post this. This is Real Life.

Note from the Almighty.

Be Kind to Self. Do not berate Self regarding perceived shortcomings. Do not berate Self for allowing Self to have a little fun once in a while, regardless of messy home and crying children. Do not underestimate the good which will come of enduring through the current trials. Always heed promptings, and accept the fact that Quinn will almost always be making a mess somewhere in the house. Be Kind to Self.

This is a little excerpt from my journal from June 12th, 2006. I loved it then, and it is still very pertinent now.

Love Preserves

I have got what I consider the beta version of my creative blog up and running and I have posted a link to in on the right under "My Endeavors". I get a great deal of joy from paper crafts, and scrapbooking. I love preserving my family's memories and creating beautiful cards. I just do. Love Preserves is where I'll be sharing all of those efforts.

Lost in Translation

There was a woman walking with a small child on the side of the road today. I noticed her as I was taking my children to school, and on my way home she was still there, a little farther up the road. I pulled over and asked if she would like a ride. She said that she didn't speak English - so I told her that I spoke Portuguese - so maybe we could understand each other. (Well, to be honest it's been about 15 years since I was speaking Portuguese every day, but I still have some skills.) Then I said, pointing - "Car, You, Someplace?" She smiled and eagerly nodded her head. We communicated haltingly. It turned out that she lived very near me, and had recently moved here from California. Her car is still in California, and she had been walking her children to school - the same school that my children attend. I asked her (or at least I thought I asked her) if she would like me to pick her children up and take them to school. It looked like she didn't quite understand what I was saying - but we kept working. Some Spanish came from somewhere back in the deep recesses of my brain and we were finally able to communicate. I told her that until she had her car back, I would come at 8:20 a.m. to pick up her children and take them to school. She looked so happy. I had warm fuzzies all over. As I was driving up to my house, I remembered the verb "to drive." It was very similar to, but not the verb I had been using. All of a sudden I realized that what I had been saying was "What time would you like me to come to translate your children to school?" Conduzir. . .Traduzir. What difference does it make, as long as she was able to understand that she had a friend here in this new, very cold place.

Awareness

Well, I suppose that if I were going to engage in some emotional eating - this would be the moment. I would drown the feeling at the pit of my stomach in chocolate. But, I'm not going to. There's nothing I want to say about "having too much respect for myself to eat sweets." It's totally not that. What I am staring in the face today is this: I am now aware of WHY I would be eating the chocolate. There isn't much fun in eating chocolate knowing full well that I'm trying to use it to get dampen the "feelings" that I'm dealing with. Having a little chocolate with my meal is a treat. It's fun. It's a reward. Having a little chocolate right now seems like an empty hope and that is the last thing I need at the moment.

Awareness is an amazing tool. I'll have to find another way to ease my pain, but I think that's a good thing.

Inspiration

This is a plaque that I have over my oven. It inspires me on so many levels, I wanted to share it today.

Sunday Morning Tradition

This is our Sunday Morning Breakfast:

German Pancakes:

Preheat oven to 450 - While oven is preheating, place 9x13 (or larger) glass dish in oven with 2-4 Tbsp. Butter. Remove when butter is melted.

2 Cups Skim Milk
2 Cups Flour
12 Eggs

Mix together milk and Flour until smooth. Add eggs and mix together well. Add mixture to preheated dish (best to pour it right into the melted butter). Cook 20 minutes. Eat promptly - best when piping hot.

Wonderful served with homemade Maple Syrup:
2 Cups Sugar
1 Cup Water
Heat to boiling, Add Maple flavoring to taste - 1/4 to 1/2 tsp. is usually sufficient.

My Family also enjoys this meal with jams or powdered sugar. To each his own. It is a great way to start our Sabbath Day. Even our youngest children know that it means Church Day.

Pay attention in class.

I am a designer by education, and a scrapbooker and card maker by hobby and trade. I've wanted to find a way to teach, and I started doing that this month in a nearby school district's continuing education program. The first class I had two people, which I was glad for, because no one had signed up ahead of time over the internet. Tomorrow is the second class, and I need to decide what I'm going to teach next time around. I've enjoyed the opportunity, and as I thought - the actual teaching part was SO much fun. I love to teach just about anything! It might be fun to teach beginning Portuguese or something like that, too. Now that I'm an employee - I can teach just about anything I'd like. It will also look good on my resume when I'm looking for positions to teach online design courses through a community college, or university. I love to teach.

Life is extra rough.

I'm going to start seeing a therapist to help me sort out the pain and confusion. I see a lot of wonderful possibilities out there in the future, but right now life is more than just overwhelming and at often ultra-depressing. I'm glad that I have some focus and direction in other areas of my life because, frankly, I never imagined that life could be so difficult. Difficult isn't the word, maybe excruciating. Sometimes, life itself just seems too much to bear. On those days, breathing in and breathing out all day long can be an excellent goal.

MUFAs and Me

On Sunday I found an article at my Mom’s about belly fat. That’s where the last 10 pounds went - after trying on some of my skirts yesterday, I have no doubt of that. The article was interesting - noting the benefits of Monounsaturated fatty acids (MUFAs) in the diet. It encouraged including one source of MUFAs in every meal. Lucky for me, they are all my favorite things! Nuts and seeds, Olives & Olive oil, Peanut Butter (not processed), Dark Chocolate - even Semi-sweet chocolate chips, and Avocados! Strangely, I haven’t purposely been including them because of the fat. I can slide some of those things into my diet, NO PROBLEM. The article also indicated the following: Try to maintain even stress levels, Eat 4 smaller meals every day, with a specific calorie goal, Have support, Avoid eating for emotional reasons - and this is what I have to say to that. . .
My goal is to change one small thing for the better. What I am learning is that one small change is enough! Last week, I just started paying attention, but I know it made a big difference. It helps me to naturally control emotional eating - so I feel like I’ve incorporated that already. I’m not going to restrict calories, except to be aware of portion sizes - and I’m going to include my favorite “good for me” fats. That’s technically two small changes but I thing that the first falls handily into the being more aware category, too. So, my one positive change is to include more MUFA’s in my diet. I think I may get some unprocessed peanut butter. We’ll see if I can stomach peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. I’m not going to do that until the soup I made on Saturday is gone, however. I’ll just include some chocolate with my lunch for a while. The nicest thing about that scenario is that including chocolate will be a positive food choice! I can hardly believe that, but it’s true. Just like the nuts I had this morning with my breakfast! Right now, I feel a little like I’m in the twilight zone, but as they say, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.

Sun Salutation

In yoga, there is a "pose" called the Sun Salutation. It is actually a series of poses, most of them quite simple. It works everything you've got, (even if just a little bit). So, anyway - yesterday, I decided that I was sure I was strong enough after six weeks to go for it. And I was. It wasn't too hard at all. I did the series 6 times yesterday. This morning, however, I keenly recognize my "weak spot". My arms. You do ONE slow drop from plank position to the ground. So, six slow drops and one day later - every muscle in my upper arms is sore. I feel them. You know what I have to say about that?
YEE-HAW!

Someone Watching Over Me

About 1 1/2 years ago, I started a very trying but necessary part of my life. About August of that year, I started to have this persistent feeling that the year ahead of me was going to be "a very hard year." I would think to myself - "What's going to happen? Is someone going to die?" I was really worried about a loved one passing away. Eventually, I stopped worrying about that because I knew why it was going to be hard. And it WAS hard. That year was the most painful and gut wrenching I've ever known. It made all my past life lessons look like a walk in the park on the most beautiful summer day ever! (And I truly mean that.) The decisions that had to be made and the strength I had to find within myself just to keep moving . . . impossible to describe. It really makes no difference what the struggles were - just that they were painfully real and enough to overpower just about anyone. The other reason that the details make no difference is because, I believe, our trials in life are tailored to us. My biggest trial in life (so far) is not much different than anyone else dealing with THEIR biggest trial. When we are pushed to the absolute breaking point of our souls, and we know it, we are there no matter what brought us there. I had to check out of life for a while. I had to let go of some lesser responsibilities to care for myself and my children. It was a very sad, lonely and painful place, but it was the right thing to do.

For me, around the end of that long long year, there was this night that I was just sobbing, heartbroken and afraid of what my life was going to bring next. Suddenly, a peace washed over me and the FEAR was gone. In my mind and heart I heard, "You don't need to worry about the future because you are mine." I felt powerfully the love of God, and the stormy seas were calmed. I grew a lot during that year. (Understatement.) I was supported by the most incredible friends and family a girl could ask for. They were loving and gentle guides, true and faithful. What came next proved to me, once again, how much the Lord was watching over me. I have been led to tools that have helped me to figure out WHAT I WANT from life. Ever heard the expression "If you don't know where you are going, you'll never get there?" Well, on top of a deep and abiding love and trust in God, I can now say that I know what makes me happy as an individual, & what I want for my family.

Some things have improved in the situation causing my pain. Most of the pain and frustration I experience as normal parts of life are still directly related to that situation. The changes in and of themselves don't begin to explain the happiness I feel. I have taken responsibility for it. I found an quote recently that describes this:
"If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem." --Richard Bach
My happiness doesn't depend on the decisions and choices that others make anymore. I know where I'm headed, in the long run. I'm making small, very workable goals for myself daily, weekly, & monthly. (Details at this link.) I have begun to see with my eyes things that I had only imagined. I have begun to taste the fruit of my efforts and it is sweet. If I had to go so low to be so high, I Thank the Lord for that low point. Today, it's like someone has shot me out of a Cannon. I'm in outer space somewhere orbiting earth with that gorgeous view and incredible perspective.
I think Isaiah says it best, however.
Isaiah 40: 31 But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Hat

My baby girl brought me two little ponytail holders and said, "Mama. Hat." I had to infer from the contents of her hand that she wanted them put into her hair. (And can I say that l love her having a little hair?) The pokey tails only stayed in her hair for a few minutes, but as memories go, it's one that I intend to cherish completely for as long as I live. (I know the photo is out of focus, but I loved it and I share it with the greatest enthusiasm.

"Resolved"

I'm not much for resolutions, per se - but this one I like. I got it from Mary Englebreit, who put it on her 2008 calendar for January. "This Year: HAVE MORE FUN!" Now there's something that I truly need, AND would enjoy beyond measure! Since rewarding myself for achieving even the tiniest of goal is totally my bag lately - I think it's a resolution that I'm going to stick to to like glue!

Back to the Routine

Strange to say, but I'm completely ready for life as usual to begin again. I am having a little trouble waking my 3 school children, I know they aren't going to be as chipper as I am right now. (It took me 1/2 an hour to get chipper this morning - the little ones didn't sleep very well, and that takes it's toll on mom.) It has to be done, however.
I am going to do some out of the ordinary things today, however. Q is going to start Karate - for a month, we'll see how it goes. After that, we'll run to Lowe's for some paint, paint chips and quick flooring options. Not necessarily a busy day - but definitely not our normal weekday style.
I'm hopeful, about many things. It's a good feeling, I hope it lasts for a while.

Thoughts regarding Myself and Food

I need to make it very clear that I am not trying to solve anything today. It is, in very fact, New Year’s Day - but I am not making any resolutions. My goal this week is “Think about food. What isn’t working? Write about it.” So, here are some of the thoughts I’ve had this morning. I love chocolate. There are few things I love as much as chocolate. I love to snack on chocolate when I’m writing or doing creative work. I love chocolate when I’m under pressure or feeling stress. I know It’s truly chocolate I love, because I like it dark. I don’t get nearly as much enjoyment from milk chocolate, and that is something I've known about myself for as long as I can remember. Hershey’s has always had “Special Dark”, and that is always what I’ve wanted. I also tend to eat for no good reason, past when I know I should be full. That sounds like emotional eating to me. I think I’m an emotional eater. I look to food to fill in gaps and soothe discomfort. From what I just read on the internet - those are two good indicators that I eat emotionally. I don’t think that I always eat emotionally, but I know that sometimes I do. In the last year, being a very stressful year, I’ve done that a lot. I probably gained about 15 pounds. Frankly, however, it is the crucial 15 pounds that I‘d rather never have on my body. That is part of the reason I’m ready to explore this. I need to make some changes. I recognize that I have choices. I have a few more days in this week, I will make another goal. “Be aware of food choices. Make more good choices than bad choices.” I like this goal because it is not an all-or-nothing kind of thing. It allows for my humanity. It doesn’t demand compliance “Or Else.” I like that in a goal. These are the things that the modern proponent of the Franklin Planner, Hyrum Smith, had to say about goals: They should be: Realistic, Timely, Specific, Measurable, Action-Oriented. I think my goal stacks up to those requirements, too - so, it’s a keeper. I can keep track of it easily with a simple number in my head. I’m going to add one for each time I choose healthy over “quick and easy” (like the IKEA cinnamon roll which was on the kitchen counter when I was making breakfast for the kids) or unhealthy (like the IKEA cinnamon roll which was on the kitchen counter when I was making breakfast for the kids). I’ll subtract for each time I choose to have something unhealthy. At the end of the day, I’ll record the final number in the box on my goals page rather than a STAR - like I do for exercise and scriptures & prayer.
Baby steps. Baby Steps. I’m in this better health thing for the long haul. I’m not in this to look a certain way, or be the envy of anyone. I just want to be my best self. I want my children to remember me as my best self. I know it’s not an instant thing, we never appreciate things that come overnight anyway. The things in life that we really appreciate are the things we have to work hard for, and change for. This LifeChange journey is that for me. I’m ready for the changes, though. I’m looking forward to seeing the “me” that will come out of the other side of this process.
My life, as it is, can be very confusing. I try to think about things, but it is often unproductive. What I have noticed in myself lately is an increased ability to recognize and weed out unproductive thoughts. I try to acknowledge random feelings and move on. I try to be guided by the Spirit in my response to my feelings and thoughts. Maybe someday it will all be more clear. Until then, I have too much love to share too many responsibilities to ignore the life which is happening all around me, right now.