The Sweetest Thing

There isn't much in the world which is more powerful to me, than to look at photos of my children as newborns. Babies are cute, but it is more than that. Having seen them grow, knowing their faces now, and then to look back. It is so amazing. Even then, they were themselves. It is such a blessing for me to have been there each and every moment of their lives. Their endearing and identifying features were already there. So tiny, and yet so whole and complete already. It is funny, also, to think about their personalities. How much of their temperament was already recognizable and unique. Each one of them was, and still is, so different. Each one of them a treasure. Losing myself in the photos is like being transported back over space and time to when they were so new. It is the purest joy I have known in this world. The sweetest thing is to have these beautiful faces, still, to greet me everyday.

Thinking in the Shower

Some people sing in the shower, I know some of my children do. Today, I was thinking in the shower. I had just been on the internet and seen a photograph of two people who in my paper-craft-world mind are both celebrities. One is, granted, more well known. The second person was so excited to have been able to meet the first person. I know of both of them through their work, and the fact that their work has spawned companies for which they are the spokesperson. The thought crossed my mind that everything out there in the world was started by someone, or a small group of individuals. A face behind everything - whether it is the public face or not. Then, for me the most powerful thought - "What do I want to put myself behind?" "What would I be willing to work for?" For the most part that question is really already answered. There are however, small pockets of time in my life which are still mine. I'm not saying that I want to start a company, just that I want to be deliberate about what I associate myself with. I don't want that to be an accident, I want it to be a choice. I want to be associated with things and people that are good, uplifting and wholesome. I want to warm people up and make them feel happier. I'd like to bring a little joy and discovery into their lives as well, if possible. They are simple things, my goals. I believe that I already have the tools to accomplish most of them.

Birthday details

I started making dinner on my birthday about 6:45 p.m. My stomach was a little bit upset, and I wasn’t keen on eating much of anything, so I settled on mashed potatoes, corn and barbecued chicken. I had it just about done when Dan came in the door, with flowers and chocolate.

Now, that was a surprise.

He returned to the car, and came back in with strawberries and angel food cake.

Now, there was another surprise.

As he cut the strawberries, he told me that he had left work early, but there was a lot of traffic. I told him that it was good that he hadn’t come home any sooner, because I wouldn’t have had a clue what we’d be having for dinner. “I thought I’d left early enough to come home and make you dinner.”

And now, I’m dumbfounded.

From that point, he did everything. He served everyone dinner, and then birthday cake, and he (with a little help from the boys) cleaned it all up. I sat back and enjoyed - it’s hard to soak in so much pampering and attention. I am not ashamed to say that I loved it, it was just wonderful. I’m writing it down but, I won’t forget anytime soon.
This might be normal birthday fare for some, but not generally here. Dan isn’t much for celebrating birthdays, maybe because his own birthday is five days after Christmas. Growing up, his birthdays weren’t much fun for him, and generally his siblings (he was the youngest) treated it like Christmas leftovers. He makes "the cake" - and I am talking a Most Delicious Sour Cream Chocolate from scratch Cake. He always finds a gift. I can't have that cake anymore, though because of all the fat. I wasn't sure what he'd do. I just wasn’t expecting all of the time that he spent thinking about it, and making things nice for me. That one detail puts a glow on the entire evening.

You say it's my birthday?

I got the email yesterday. I was not selected this time, but I don't intend to quit - this was after all my first try for a design team. It does, however, give me good reason to get out there into the world of submitting my work to publishers. I want to find out what makes me and my work different - and I can only find that out by doing the work.
We are at a good place, a positive change place. Little things here and there like light fixtures and art on the walls. I got a giant magnet board last week, which I'm excited about. I don't think I'll have time to paint its frame today however, I've got to go and get the car inspected and sit in line at the DMV. Unfortunately, that is probably what I'll be doing today, on my birthday. If I can get that accomplished, I'll drive to this store I know of and get myself some paper! I'd go to that store right now, (the birthday has got to be got to be good for something!) except that I don't want to risk getting pulled over for expired tags!
As far as another year is concerned, I have only this to say. I still believe that the best is yet to come.

Gellin'

I feel like I'm headed into a creative zone, in a big way. I've been a collector for a while now, gathering things that I wanted to use someday on projects that were in my head. Well, I've started to put some of those things together now, and it looks good. The project is important to me, a center piece of my family history. These pages that I'm putting together now are the births of my children. I have all of the photos I'll need gathered up - a fairly simple process really since I've stored them in an organized way. Even better, as I've looked through the items that I've collected over literally years, I've found some which will greatly enhance my original plan while at the same time simplifying some parts of it. It's hard to explain, except that I just know it's going to work. I have that good feeling that I often get right before a fit of really successful work. That is something I am going to diligently try not to ignore.

Tomorrow should also be the day I get a yes or no phone call from Cornish Heritage Farms. I'm glad that I did it no matter what the answer is. That is a great feeling. I just feel good about it and I won't be disappointed either way. These kinds of feelings don't come around very often - or maybe I'm just growing up enough that my confidence is more solid. I'm gellin' as they say - comfortable and happy with myself and where I'm headed.

Don't worry

I sent my submission to CHF last night, so we'll see how it goes. I am excited to have done it and strangely at peace. I don't feel the nervousness which I thought I would. I'm really okay with whatever happens - maybe I'm not "desperate" enough, or I don't want it badly enough. What I do know is that I am learning to let go of things that I can't control. I frankly don't have the time or energy to put into it.

I found a quote the other day on Ali Edwards' blog that seems to say what I'm can't.
Dawna Markova : I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

Why waste a day worrying when there is so much that can be done to improve it? We have rules, and I reiterate the rules. I know that they are going to test the rules. It is the nature of curious children to test the rules. I try not to worry about messes that the kids will make either, because I know that the messes are going to happen. Sometimes BIG ones. Sometimes sticky ones. Often while in the process of breaking rules. There is almost no limit to the amount of imagination a child can transpose into mess form. Clean, happens - its true - but you can always be quite sure that mess is not far behind. Why worry?

I try to keep them safe. It's hard to improve on whole, healthy, intact bodies. I teach them not to fight, because angry voices destroy the peace we want in our home. Often enough, however, even these basic functions of motherhood find themselves thwarted. Sometimes, there is blood. Sometimes we need a stitch or two. Sometimes all you can hear is angry voices. This is the reason that some people have nannies. I take time when I need it, to talk to friends or relax. I do have to suffer through the craziness, but I'm also the one that gets all the good stuff. I watch it all happen, all day long, every day. No one can tell me that missing out on Q's tirades would be worth it. When I hear from those same little lips, a very sweet little voice saying, "I love you so much, Mommy. You're the best!" I know simultaneously what that voice is capable of and it melts me into a lump. You have to taste the bitter to know the sweet. You have to know the mess to appreciate the clean. You have to hear a lot of noise to truly savor a quiet moment.

Blogs for Boys

Yesterday morning, I set up blogs for the boys. First, we had to set up email accounts for them. I set up their blogs, under my ownership, and then invited them, via their new email accounts, to be guest posters. Then I got them their very own google blogger accounts so that they can sign in, and access their blog without going through mine. It was fun. They really enjoyed seeing their own blog space, ready to roll. It will be interesting to see what they do with it. Just like anything, I want to help them to keep it as private as possible: photos that they take of objects rather than people, no full names, no personal information. I want them to use it, mostly because writing is such a great exercise for the mind and writing well is a confidence booster, especially at their young ages.
So, we finished getting it all set up, and as I came out of the office E looks at me with puppy dog eyes. "Let me guess, you want your own blog, too?" She nods, with a sad little smile. I told her that we'll see how the boys do, and if they can work it out okay without too much help from mom, we'll think about it. That was enough, surprisingly. I think that she was happy that I recognized the look on her face, and was able to divine what she was communicating. Sometimes, people just like to know that they've been heard. I think, in the end, that is what blogging for me is all about.

The Lightbulb Moment

Yesterday my eldest, T, was so on top of his lawn mowing duties that I was floored. When he came into the office I was surprised and asked if he had already mowed. He nodded. Then, the words that every mother (and father) dream will come across the lips of their children were uttered by none other than the boy himself. "Mom, did you know that if you just do the work, and don't complain about it, it gets done a lot faster?" He was very impressed with this discovery. I was in complete shock, my brain telling my lips, "you need to say something, fast. . . you need to reinforce this, huuurrry uuupppp! . . ." I think I said something really intelligent like, "Isn't it great how that works?" We talked a little more about the phenomenon and I was understandably enthusiastic. Simply put, in this home we also harbor some major whiners and they look up to T in larger than life ways. He is, after all, "in the sixth grade" which is then end of the known universe for C & E. If my son has truly had a learning moment, his good example will flow to the others like honey from a spoon. Just the thought of a little less whining, oh it's heavenly. Come to think of it, C didn't complain at all about mowing, either. I'll have to throw in a little more thanks and praise today. Next to having a big brother doing the right thing, nothing beats a mom or dad who make sure you know when you've done something wonderful.

A Beautiful Day

It's funny, I spent all afternoon playing with a Mondrian color type design, and then after I finished the shells, all I could think about was "simplify, simplify." I ditched everything but the textured soft sky cardstock and I loved it. Really, loved it - the shells came out just as I had hoped. (After about two tries on each one.) Only a couple more things to go. I haven't decided whether to use the "birthday boy" card or not. I'm just not sure. I guess if I don't come up with anything that I like better, I'll use it.

For the last couple of days, the kids have been having a lot of fun cutting up scraps of cardstock and making things. One benefit of my creative work is THEIR creative work. Yesterday Q made dolls of himself and his Dad and stapled their hands together. He caught E's imagination, and she wanted to do the same thing, but couldn't figure out what he was doing, and needed help with the process. Q is just that way, he figures things out and has a blast "creating". The funniest part was when he brought me a couple of small pieces of paper (perfectly sized for the job) and said, "Mom, will you staple my butt on?" He even figured out that he needed to clean up his own mess, by which I was dumbfounded. The boy constantly amazes me - he is very complex. It is going to take a very intelligent woman to be a good companion to him.

The Response!

Hello Abby,

Thanks so much for the information you provided. The consensus is that we would invite your submission to the Fresh Face Call.

Best of luck,
Lisa

Another Day

I'm beginning to understand how some women get so much done. Nerves. I'm generally fairly relaxed but I've been on pins and needles for the last 24 and counting hours. I'm still waiting for CHF to get back to me on the "you may" issue that I mentioned yesterday. I've been working on things regardless, because I don't want to let the time get away from me. Either way, I will consider it a fantastic experience. At the same time I'm wading through the suspense of it all, I realize that she is taking time on my behalf and will respond when she can. I have so much to be grateful for, and I feel like this is an important road for me. I'm excited to see where it all takes me. I'll just keep on keeping myself busy until the answer comes and be glad that I have a lot to keep me busy. I'm always busy, there is always so much to be done. I don't always have something to look forward to, however. I'm finding that elusive "something" (at least for me ) has been a by-product of creative competition. It ratchets me up just a little bit and pushes me to make goals during the day. My Stampin' Up! business does similar things for me, as far as motivating me to be creative, but this takes everything a little further up that road. I'm working on a pretty intricate project at the moment, so when I get it finished, I'll post it. We'll see. Only time will tell.

You May. . .

Today I have a couple of "you may" issues on my mind. One of them is taking all of my ability to concentrate which is no good but more than likely, inevitable. The other is just plain hilarious, and so I'll start with that. This morning Q wanted one of the small bags of chips that I buy to send to school in my children's lunches. Sometimes, Q gets it into his mind that he needs one for breakfast and that scenario has also been known to include Ice Cream. Today, it was just chips, and I told him that he had to eat something else first, and then if he was still hungry I'd give him a bag of chips. He didn't like that. What four year old would? Well after a significant amount of moaning groaning and general unhappiness, he says to me . . .I suppose to show me who had the real power in the family, "Mom, you MAY get me a bag of chips." I had a hard time not dissolving into a pile of laughs. He tried some version of that about four more times, and at that point I said, ". . .and Q, you MAY go to your room if you don't settle down." Skipping to the good stuff, he came out of his room when he was in control of himself and asked for some cereal. By the time he had finished with that, he had forgotten about the chips. My best guess as to the origin of Q's new word? Most certainly his grandmother. My Mom was a High School English Teacher when my parents were first married. I can almost hear the conversation.
Q - "Grandma, can I have some ice cream?"
Grandma - "Do you mean "May I have some ice cream?"
Q - "May I have some ice cream?
Grandma - "Yes, you may have some ice cream."

Q's mind grabs hold - "May is a very powerful word. I'm going to have to use it again soon."

Now for my other "may" issue. It occurred to me that I have done design work for a company before, although as a freelance designer rather than as a part of a team making up promotion pieces. I sent a note to the Design Team Leader at the company doing the Fresh Face call asking her opinion on whether or not my previous work disqualified me for this call. She sent a note back saying that it was a gray area, and asked for more information, photos of things I'd done, etc. to help her I sent the requested information along and that is where it stands. It is difficult to wait on the response when I know that it is a "may or may not" situation. I may be able to apply, I may not. I'm just glad that I asked now, rather than assuming that it would be okay and then finding out after all the work that I was over-qualified. I think I fit into a kind of loop-hole, and I hope that they see it that way, too. We'll just have to wait because for now it it simply out of my hands. My only real problem is finding something to take my mind off of it while I wait.

Brace Yourself

Yesterday, I knew that it was time for a haircut. The relationship with my then current hair-style had gone more than stale. I was bored. I needed something new. So I did what any half-mad mother of 5 would do - I went short, from shoulder length. Boy what a reaction! Everyone in the salon praised me, and my brave move. They all thought it looked great. I felt years younger.

When I arrived at home, T and C looked at me in amazement. C cried out, "Who are you?" and laughed a big belly laugh while claiming that he liked it. I don't think they really remember the last time my hair was short. It was quite a while ago, and they were both very small. The boys had been caring for A - and I thought she'd be very glad to see me, too. Her crying, however, was something I didn't expect, and I was dumbfounded when she refused, even, to eat. I knew she had to be hungry. Then to my utter amazement, she hopped down from my lap and ran, looking back only to throw a scorching glance my way. It finally dawned on me. She didn't recognize me. I was a complete stranger to her. As she ran, she bawled, "Mamaaaaaaa. . . . Mamaaaaaa." The boys found the whole thing extremely funny, and basked in the glow of A not wanting anything to do with me. They cuddled and consoled her. C, who has been dying to form some kind of connection with her and has been quite hurt by her rebuffs was finally able to get her calmed down and nearly asleep. Through her half open eyes, she was watching me, still. She seemed to be softening a little.

I thought about what I could do to ease her pain. I pulled back my hair tight against my head - I had often worn it up before, and she seemed okay with that. It did the trick. This time, she reached for me, and although she seemed a bit hesitant, I knew that the healing had begun. My little A and I were nearly reconciled! It was nap time, and she was ready for her old routine whether or not she was completely sure of me. Off to dreamland for my little one.

When she awakened, she looked at me and laughed, pointing at my head. I took it as a compliment, since the last time she had run away, screaming.

More Summer Vacation

This is the first day in three weeks that I would have been able to sleep in, a bit. T, C & E are out of school until the week after labor day. Of course today would be the day that I was awake just prior to 5 a.m. I thought to myself, "If I'm still awake at 6 o'clock, I'll get up and do something." Unfortunately, it was obvious by quarter after 5 that I wouldn't be getting back to sleep. I've been looking up information on the State Fair, and opening e-mails - as they come in. . .ouch.
I could go for a walk. D usually leaves for the gym around 6:30 on weekday mornings. It would give him a fairly innocuous scare if I just wasn't here, anywhere, when he got up - because I am always here. I'm pretty dependable that way. I usually wake up just enough to wave as he goes out the bedroom door. Sometimes I get up, shower and get on with my day. Considering that I've never "not been here", in 14 years, I'm thinking the police could get involved very quickly. He'd probably at least call my mother, a little worried. And, well - it is my Dad's birthday so why rock the boat today. I'll stay home.
I've been casually contemplating, for a couple of days, what I'd like to submit for the "design team" call. I think that I'll go the scrapbook route - or at least, the scrapbook route seems to be where my strength lies. I think that I should watercolor an image, just to show some versatility and artistry. I could do that on a scrapbook page. The fact is, I have some fantastic photos of the children which would make easy work of any page. I don't have any "ideas" for a 3-D project. I did purchase a little see-through paint-style container which I could play with. In the end I'll probably end up doing enough for both, and make the decision based on what looks best. It has been a treat having a goal, creatively.
Timing couldn't be better. I have two weeks of fairly unstructured time before things are due at either the design call, or the state fair. (Honestly, when do you get an opportunity to relax from the structure of your main work, just in time for another big project. Doesn't happen to me very often.) I'm not sure why I'm interested in exhibiting things at the state fair, except that I guess I just have this itch to compete, and see where I land. The judging for the state fair will take place on my birthday. The design team people will be notified the day before my birthday. I don't know if that would be considered good luck, or not. At any rate, I'd hope that my birthday would be a happy occasion that would only make any outcome, in either case, better.
It's nearly 7 a.m. now. I haven't heard D leave, which is quite uncommon. I think it's time for that shower.

What?!?

Yesterday I did a little light reading while standing in line for "fast food" at Costco. It is amazing how informative their menu sign is, if one spends a moment looking at more than the photographs and prices. Take, for example, the yogurt. We've been purchasing said yogurt for years! It has been one of my favorite guilty pleasures, guilty since the gall bladder incident. Of course, I thought that it was regular yogurt, like every other fast food dessert, containing fat - only maybe a smidgeon less since it was yogurt, rather than ice cream. This time, I took the time to look at the words and I saw something completely unexpected. There, right in front of the word "yogurt", in all caps, a peculiar little qualifier. . .NONFAT. I had to exercise an immense amount of self-control to keep from hollering "Woo Hoo!" right out loud. Within myself, I let out a squeal of absolute joy and bliss. How often does a guilty pleasure skip right over from the "I really shouldn't" column to the "Any time I darn well please" column? That doesn't happen very often, and usually it has something to do with a wedding.