As I watch my children grow, sometimes I wonder about the rest of MY life. When they are off on their own, what do I want to do then? I don't see myself in the shoes of women who seem to feel that they no longer have a purpose when their children are gone. My children have just enough vim and vigor to make me sure that they will someday need their own space, a place where I am no longer the boss. I think that's a good thing. One thing I don't really want to do is be some one's administrative assistant or clerk. I've thought about going back to school, and what I'd like to learn. I think that counseling is something that comes naturally to me. I think I could enjoy being a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner - I'm not quite crazy enough to think I'd like to be a doctor. I have two sisters that have been through law school, however, and I wouldn't toss that out. I like to help people, see them get to a better place. I love the idea that I can still become more than I already am. I love the idea that my children would be able to see me continuing to grow and change, that it doesn't have to end.
Getting from here to there is a long road, however. Living in now isn't always extremely pleasant. Tomorrow, for example, E has a kindergarten program at 9:00 a.m. Her teacher tells me that she is the best singer in the group. This is something that could easily be considered a pay-off moment, if you don't throw in getting everyone ready and out the door by 8:20 a.m. Sometimes, babies don't cooperate. Four year old boys very often don't cooperate. The grounds of the school are very torn up right now, due to the fact that they are working on a better parking and drop off area. Very little parking. These things could put me into a tail spin - except for this logical side that pulls me back and reminds me that I have a plan. The last couple of days, they've all been awake when I took the kids to school anyway. It's only two steps from there to dressed and fed. Next, instead of returning home between 8:20 a.m. and 9:00 a.m. I'm just going to park and maybe take a little walk with A and Q. Maybe I'll bring their breakfast in the car with me to eliminate a step at home. That's a good thought. Keeping them quiet during the program, however - that's where I don't have much of a plan, and that's where the tail spin worries return. The children are small, wiggly and noisy. Hopefully Grandma will be able to make it.
Wait just one minute. Did you see that? I am hopeful that my mother will be able to come to my child's school event. That is something that I honestly need to plan into my second life. If there are grandchildren nearby and available for grandmothering, I don't want to miss out on them so that I can see "patients" or "clients". Whatever I do, it better be pretty flexible. Also a good reason to leave doctor off the list. Maybe something that I can do at home and make my own schedule. Whatever I decide to be, I will always be a mother. I want to keep "being there" for my children even when I really truly am not the boss of them anymore. It is a long way from here to there, but I think that too is a good thing. I'm going to need all of that time to make the decisions that are still out there to make.
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