T has finally made some friends. One lives very close to our home, and they share a number of common interests. Of course, most often, when you make a friend, that person most commonly has other friends, too. Herein lie the problems that T is facing. He is at a loss for what to do and say when the "other friends" bristle at his presence. It's not that they don't like T, in fact they were friends long before he made the acquaintance of this other boy. Precisely as you would expect, however, because of how quickly T and the newer friend have hit it off, and the amount of time they spend together, one of the other friend has become particularly jealous.
Enter a good mother.
"Mom, Such and Such was saying really mean stuff about me and trying to get So and So not to play with me anymore."
"And why do you think he would do that?"
"Because I get to hang out with So and So more than he does."
"So, he's saying mean things about you because he's jealous."
"I guess so."
"Okay, well. . .this won't be easy, but you need to be really nice to Such and Such."
"I can't just sit there and ignore it when he says bad stuff about me!"
"Sure you can, in fact that is about the only thing you can do if you want to try and be friends with all of them. Such and Such is in a lot of pain. You can be nice to him. What does So and So say about all of it."
"He wishes that Such and Such wouldn't say that stuff."
"It sounds to me like he knows that the things that Such and Such is saying aren't true."
"Yeah."
"Well, that's the best place to be in. Even if it isn't easy, you want to be the one who tries to make things good, not the one who makes a big deal out of it all. You need to be as nice as you can to Such and Such."
You know, I feel for him. I'm not really proud of how I handled my own friend conflicts. The saddest part is that there is at least one person out there that I'd like to still be in touch with. I let her down. I wasn't a good friend. I was 13 and didn't have the social skills to integrate two different groups of friends so I left one behind. I have no idea where that girl is now, and I doubt she'd want to talk to me. If I did ever find her again, I would tell her that I was sorry. I would tell her that I have grown a lot and that I'm trying to help my children choose better. The next to saddest part is that I realize now that I could have talked to my own wonderful Mother much more than I did. She would've given me good advice. It is truly thanks to her that I can give good advice to my own children. The best part, for me, about this whole thing is something that I have only now come to realize. My son had a problem with his friends, and he TALKED TO ME ABOUT IT! It is proof to me that your can be your child's friend, and be a good parent and a voice of reason in their lives at the same time.
I love you T!
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