I know how it feels to lose Q. . .

I'm pretty calm, generally. I go through the challenges that greet me without too much fanfare most of the time. Generally, that 'way' of doing things makes getting through said challenges much easier. So, today, I took the kids to Lagoon. (For those not familiar with my area of the country, Lagoon is a local amusement park which has been around more than 100 years. It's the only game in town, and VERY crowded in the summer.) My sister was with me, along with two of her children and T's best friend also came along. I knew that one of the biggest issues I'd have was keeping Q, my seven year old son, close. He's, shall we say, easily distracted. I was 100% correct. We had to stop progress from 'here' to 'there' at least four times during the day because we realized that Quinn was no longer with us. The first couple of times, a little backtracking resolved the problem with relative ease. . . in fact I'm not even sure HE knew that he was lost when we found him. When he is walking he looks EVERYWHERE, except at the people he's walking with. He's intrigued by things and wants to know. I know this though, right? So we just took stock consistently and most of the time we were good.
Now, within Lagoon, there is a Water Park known as 'Lagoon-A-Beach'. Very nice way to escape the horrible heat of the day. It was supposed to hit 100 today, and we were prepared. When that heat came on. . . we went to the water. We weren't the only smarties at the park though - it was near capacity and jammed like no other area. There were walkways in and around the people, but only just barely. We wandered for a bit until we found a fantastic, shady spot where a family was just about to leave behind three lounge chairs. It was Heaven. . . until I realized that Q had NOT made it there with us. I headed out on the hunt. I was stressed, this time. I am largely unfamiliar with the water park there. People everywhere, lounging, walking, busy - no one really worried about lost children. I knew the employees might care though so I asked, and was directed to the first aid area, not too far away. I started to talk to the man inside the room. It took him a moment to understand what I was saying. In the time it took to arouse his interest, and at the point where I was about to describe my son to him, Q walked by outside. Looking at me, Q's little face lit with relief. I excused myself with a quick, "That's him, " and grabbed him around the shoulders as quickly as I could. I asked him if he had been afraid. He said that he had been but that a little whisper told him "Go that way." Thank Heaven I was 'down that way' and not running frantically all over the place. Someone Somewhere knew I'd go with my gut—to look for help— and they told my boy. I get the feeling that helping my son to hear and recognize that voice as his friend could be very important in his life.

Just so you know, that's NOT when I knew how it felt to lose Q.

We had yet another incident of fairly easily rectified dalliance. He was glad to be once again scooped up and saved from himself, but only slightly shaken. . . and I should have known.

We were all ready to go. We had some final treats in hand. The older boys needed to get their tickets validated and headed off in that direction. My middle children followed happily, and I expected to be right on their heels. The last of the treats, however, made a HUGE mess on the counter before I could even pick it up. It got on my keys, and and anything within about 6 inches of it. The young man apologetically helped me to clean it up. When I finally got everything I needed, without the extra-sticky coating, I started to walk to where I knew they'd be waiting. A was the only one who had stayed with me. The sun had set and it was getting very dark. I recognized as I was walking, how different the park was at night. Lower visibility, lights flashing everywhere. Even though we had been there all day, and we had become fairly familiar with things, it was all different now. When I arrived, everyone was relaxing and waiting. . . I took stock. "Where's Q?" Heads darted in every direction. T and his best friend took off immediately. I got the C settled with the girls in a well lit spot near the main crossroads of the park and headed out to look myself. This time, however, I WAS frantic. The thought of Q trying to find his way around in the dark was overwhelming to me. I went to every place that we'd been in the previous 10 minutes. Every place he'd shown obvious interest in. I talked to the employees along the way, describing him. No one had seen him. I saw T running a couple of times along the way as well. My heart was melting. I had looked for him so many times already that day. His little image and my relief at "seeing" it again so many times, was burned on my mind. I knew I needed help. I stopped a Security employee of the park and he was quick to spread the word. I described my son to him. "He is seven years old. He is wearing a Turquoise shirt with white stripes. He has on navy blue shorts. He has dark hair. When he walks, he looks at everything. He doesn't pay much attention to where he's going." The young man asked if I knew where the security office was, and said that I should check there in about 20 minutes. That seemed like SO long.

I was panicking. My heart was breaking wide open, as I contemplated the possibility that those clothes I had 'found' him in time after time today might be the last things I'd ever see him wear. I went once again on the loop that I had made previously, hoping that he'd go back to one of those spots to look for me. It hadn't been nearly the twenty minutes originally estimated, but even so, I KNEW what an eternity without Q would feel like and it was devastating. Finally, without success, I felt I should return to where C and the girls were waiting for me, and I did. As I came around the corner, my hope was that he would be sitting there with them as though nothing had happened. I was not soothed, however. He was not there. I didn't want to upset the other children, and did my best not to show them how worried I was. It was a fairly futile effort however. They knew it was serious.
Then, just as I was about to break into sobs of grief, those tears turned miraculously to joy. A tall young man in a light blue Lagoon polo shirt and khaki pants rounded the corner with his arm draped around the shoulders of a small dark-haired boy. Dressed in a striped turquoise shirt. Wearing navy blue shorts. This time however, that little boy's eyes were riveted to me. He started to cry, as did I. I ran to him and threw my arms around him . . one more time. We cried and cried. It seemed like ages. I looked gratefully at the young man, and thanked him. He commented that my description of him had been absolutely perfect. "It should be," I said. "He's my son."
I'm grateful to know a loving Father in Heaven loves me no less than I love this little child. He loves me, each of us, so much more even that I can imagine. Love is the reason I believe so firmly in God. I know that Someone Somewhere understands.

Pandas

So we are driving home from the park tonight, talking about things that are "real" and "not real". Q was very interested in Werewolves and wondering if I could kill one.
I told him that I didn't believe in them, so they would never bother me.
So then he says "Pandas are real, huh Mom."
I affirmed.
A then says, in delight, "PANDAS ARE REAL?!?"
She was so excited.
That's the kind of thing you don't imagine your child not 'knowing'.
She imagined pandas as one of those amazing magical creatures, like Unicorns.
Something you see in a coloring book, or in a story.
Maybe I've been neglectful.
She obviously needs to have some exposure to videos, at least, of things that I can't show her in person.
I just thought it was so cute.

The Lord Bless You and Keep You

This piece by John Rutter has long been one of my favorite choral pieces.

The lyrics are taken from the bible, Numbers 6:22-27

They are a beautiful blessing.

The Lord bless you and keep you, The Lord lift His countenance upon you, And give you peace, and give you peace, The Lord make His face to shine upon you, And be gracious unto you, be gracious, The Lord be gracious, gracious unto you. Amen.

Longing

I went back in my journals to March 2008, and found this gem. It couldn't be more true today.

I'm so grateful to have kept good journals. Most surprising to me? I had NOT already posted this in my blog! Really? So, here you go. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Life is full of longing. I’ve heard so many people say this in different ways. Leaning to live in the moment, I think, is much more than just eschewing consequences. We want things to happen quickly. We don’t want some things to happen at all. If we have to endure those things, we can’t just wait until they are “over.” I don’t think that it’s ever really over. I think that no matter what is happening in life, we could be wishing that there was some magic pill that could instantly transport us to an easier place, where life will fall into it’s “correct” rhythm and THEN we would be happy. If we could just get such and such accomplished, we would be satisfied. Whether we realize it or not, most of us quickly pass by almost without acknowledging those things when they DO happen. We find some other reason not to be happy. That is the longing I’m talking about.

I hope that I am able to make the very most out of those threshold moments in my life as the years ahead pass by. I want to be happy now, and not wait until some big event comes along. I think that, in not putting off my happiness, I will be able to truly savor and cherish the good things to come. I don’t want to rush through anything just to get to the next thing. I know that there are going to be so many challenges. I want to take each day with courage and live deliberately. I think it’s really the only way to live. I think that living any other way isn’t really living, it's actually putting off living your life until some future time which you will never allow to come. I don’t want that. I want to be alive, now. I want to live my life with purpose and do things for good reasons. I want to be able to look back and say, “I learned this.” or “I’m different now because. . .” and build each day on the choices of yesterday, and do it happily.

The State of my Affairs.

I feel like I'm starting to gel, in terms of where I am and what I hope to accomplish in the next couple of years. It's a nice feeling considering that I've been in such a state of flux for so long. I now have a plan for the next 20 months, which at the end would see me with an LPN. This will allow me to function as a nurse while I work on the RN, at the same school. I feel like its a really good plan, which fits best with my current life situation. Before I can start the program I have to finish 4 Independent Study courses: Human Anatomy, Human Physiology and two math. That's going to be a huge challenge, but I feel like I'm up for it. Ready at least. Everything is harder when you get into it. I'm going to have two classes at a time, plus work and kids. I hope that I can absorb the way that I need to. I hope that I can get it all done. I think that I can.

At work, I'm about to change positions and take on a management role. I feel ready. My confidence at work has grown a lot, and I understand the way the systems work. I feel like this experience will be invaluable in terms of developing leadership skills in working with people, both customers and co-workers. (A lot of times, those people are unhappy and stress always comes with that—however—I feel ready for that, too.) It's a little scary to think that when I'm in the store with just myself and another co-worker, I'll be the one responsible for everything that happens there. On the other hand, I know that I can do the job, so . . . off we go.

And all the while, trying to stay on top of and maintain the tender emotional balance of my children? Ah. . . . This is single motherhood. On the other hand, none of this would be happening at all if it weren't for my amazing parents and the love and support we have here in their home. The kids are really thriving, and that is an incredible blessing.

Life is Good.

Black Bean Pineapple Enchiladas

Three Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
One large Sweet Pepper (any color will be equally delicious)
One 20 oz can Pineapple (crushed or tidbits)
One 14 oz can Black Beans
One package Flour Tortillas
One can Cream of Chicken Soup
One small container Sour Cream (non-fat is fine)
Favorite cheese to grate over the top


Filling:
In a large skillet or sauce pan:
In Olive Oil, Brown three chicken breasts over medium heat. Dice and add back to the pan.
Add to the pan:
Diced Pepper
Drained Black Beans
Drained Pineapple. (Drink the juice. . .yum.)
Simmer until Chicken is cooked through.

Topping:
Mix together can of cream of chicken soup and desired amount of sour cream until smooth.

In a large rectangular glass pan, fill and roll tortillas. Place side by side until pan is full. Spread topping over the enchiladas, and top with a thin layer of your favorite cheese. Cover with Tin foil and Bake at 375 for half an hour, or until completely warmed.

Children often want seconds. Ü

This recipe is equally successful with canned chicken breast or freshly cooked chicken. If you would like to use canned, use two 12 oz cans.

Sweet!

You know? Every once in a while things are going to work out EXACTLY the way you hope they will. The feeling I have right now is BLISS, and it's just because I figured out what to do about the computer problem, gathered up everything I'd need and it worked out perfectly. Everything functions exactly as I hoped: actually even better. How do you beat that? It's just a computer, but it makes a big difference because I USE my computer daily. I was patient with the old one because I appreciated having it. Now, this one? Wow. I couldn't have dreamed I'd have it so good! But, I do - and it's sweet! SWEET SWEET SWEET!

It's easy to see why I feel so loved.

My sisters are going to love this post, and understand it more than anyone else. It is their legacy, as well. I am sure it will touch them, as these experiences have touched me.
As a child, I knew my parents loved me. I knew that they would always be there for me. When I was hurt, my mother's voice was the one I wanted to comfort me. It always did, and it still does. When I needed help, I knew that my father would be there and would have the answers I needed. He often has answers for me, now as well. As a child, however, I couldn't understand what that love was like from their point of view. Now as a mother of five, living again in their home, I have been privy to some of the most precious sights of my life. I have, as a mother myself, watched my parents with all of their grandchildren, and I recognized immediately the love in their eyes and voices. In many ways, and some of the best ways, it is like being a child again.
The other day, I was sitting on the sofa in the family room and I heard my father talking to my 8 month old niece who was sitting on the table in her carseat. I glanced over and was immediately overwhelmed by the most penetrating feeling of love. The look on my father's face was one of complete devotion and adoration. I remembered my father telling me about when I was an infant. He would take me from my mother's arms in the morning and I would sit in a baby seat at the kitchen table while he did homework. I know that a mind can't remember experiences from such an early age but my heart recognized that devotion. I knew that I had once been the recipient of those adoring looks. I knew why I have always felt so precious and so loved.
My mother has given an enormous amount of care to her grandchildren in the last few years, and how lucky those children are. Watching her is inspiring to me. She is ever patient and incredibly loving. People talk about how great grandchildren are. . . and my mother is no exception. She loves those babies. Here's the thing though, I remember being loved by her to that same tender degree. She was exceptional an exceptional Mother. There are quite a few very tiny grandchildren in the family right now, and they have all had ample opportunity to spend time with her. She feeds, burps, diapers and puts them down for naps, cuddles and coos and cherishes them. She is an exceptional Grandmother. As I see her, I am reminded that I too was once her baby, so precious and important to her. I still feel her love today, though I am grown. I know she loves me. There is no substitute for a loving mother. I have been so very blessed.
There may not be anyone in this world more blessed than I am. It is a legacy that I can emulate with confidence and without reservation. I hope that my children will be able to look back someday and see that same love in their own lives. I hope that they will know that they were loved and feel capable of passing that love to their own beautiful children.

These Days

Life has been so crazy and packed lately, I hardly know when I'm coming or going, but I know I've been blessed. (And Thank Heaven at least I know that, right?)

I had a dream last week in which I was panicking about not having done my math homework. When I woke up, I realized that I wasn't enrolled in a math class at the moment. Boy was I glad not to be enrolled, and behind, in a math class. . . but it got me thinking. I need to get into quite a few classes, and I need to get moving with a nursing program if I hope to be working as a nurse anytime soon. I did very well in my CNA course, and loved it. It's like I finally realized what cloth I'm made of, and what it should be made INTO! Took me long enough, but then, I could have missed it altogether. That is one of the blessings of my divorce. It forced me out of a comfort zone and into a place where I had to make choices and changes. As I have embraced that, I have learned so much about myself. . . many of those things I would never have guessed, but they will forever enrich my life.

As I contemplated the need for a nursing program, as often is the case, a friend popped in and made a suggestion. I followed up on it, and was intrigued. It was the best fit so far with what I have already done, and what I would need to do (in terms of a time frame) to get into a nursing career. I'm quite excited about what I have learned to this point, and I think tomorrow I'll sign up for an independent study math course. For the program I'm considering, I only need to have an Intermediate Algebra course within the last year to start, rather than College Algebra. Let's face it, the days when I could whip Calculus questions are long behind me (like more than 20 years)! I have a great deal of backing up and refreshing to do where math is concerned. I can do that course, and then more easily move on the the College Algebra when I've completed it. So. . . very soon, I may have some math homework to do, but I think it will be a much more natural progression. It feels great! Just having the bare bones of a plan feels wonderfully great, but starting to fill in some of the blanks and answer some of the questions feels even better.

So yes, life is crazy and packed, but it is good. . . and moving forward.

Fashion

Friends, I have seen "Spring's Top 5" on Nordstrom.com. I am afraid. I am very afraid. I'm up for a blue bag. The caged shoes I can do without. (Seriously.) Patterned skirts . . . WITH patterned TOPS?!

Oh well. I guess this is the point at which I say, I am most decidedly UN-hip. Thankfully, I think I'll always be acceptable in the "classics". . . and plaid is in. I can do the plaid thing! There may be some hope for me after all!

Swimming

I've got a little boy - well three little boys and two little girls to be exact, but tonight I'm mostly concerned with Q, my six year old son. His emotions swing in incredible ways, and baffle the adults charged to care for him. We cannot predict who we'll meet in the morning, a bright eyed loving first grader, or the one who will under no circumstances be tamed. This morning was an uncooperative morning. He didn't want to go to school, and there was no way we were going to talk him into it. Coaxing gently us generally the best method, and I am referring to a lot of tender loving care, not just a soft voice. In an hour, I had managed to move him to the idea of dressing, but I was exhausted emotionally. Mental and Emotional Gymnastics at their most strenuous, at least to me. I love him, dearly though - even in his crazy moments he is an amazingly loving person. He didn't want to go to school because he wanted to stay with me. He had missed me while I had been working. He just wanted to stay with Mama. When I get serious with him, he tries to act like he's afraid, but I know I'm not THAT serious. I didn't yell at him, but I was firm. He did get dressed, because I dressed him. We made it to school finally and once there, he hoped out of the care and went on his way, waving goodbye as though the previous hour was nothing. It leaves me a bit lost however, wondering how to focus his emotion in positive ways.

So, today after school, all five of the kids and I went swimming, and I remembered something important that I had forgotten. (Silly ME!) That child hit the water and immediately started to freestyle: Full Bore, as hard as he could, crossing the pool with relative ease. He jumped up on the other side with a big smile - and of course I was smiling right back at him. The boy is a FISH - let me say that one more time - F. I. S. H.

It was as though someone had put my head inside the Liberty Bell and started to hammer on it for all they were worth. Swimming Lessons. The boy needs swimming lessons. Soon. As often as and for as long as possible. He needs something to focus on, wipe him out, and LOVE. It reminded me that at about his age, I too had been let loose in a pool and adored every single second. I could feel his exhilaration. Everyone needs something to identify with and love, and feel very hopeful that this could be something that will bring him joy through his entire life, as it has for me.

Magic Wand

What would I do with it? Wave it at the children who are desperately trying to ignore bedtime.

Why Do we go to Church?

Moroni 6: 5-6

5 And the ^achurch did meet together ^boft, to ^cfast and to pray, and to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls.

6 And they did ^ameet together oft to partake of bread and wine, in ^bremembrance of the Lord Jesus.

How long have I been reading the Book of Mormon and honestly, this is the first time I've seen this scripture - Yes we go to fast and pray together, and to take the Sacrament. But we also go "to speak one with another concerning the welfare of our souls." How wonderful is that? That is exactly what happens in LDS meetings - we don't just sit and listen to a lecture and go home. Sunday School and Auxiliary Meetings provide opportunities for us to share with each other, to be sounding boards, to say to one another "You're being to hard on yourself", or "It's going to be okay." I just love the scriptures, and how they say new things every time I read them.

I feel really great today.

How are you?

Really. I want to know.

On Raising Children

Two years ago, I was at a crossroads in my life. I was at the end of a beloved phase of my life, that of being at home full-time with my children. With my divorce came the necessity of working away from my home, and thankfully, my parents have been able to care for my children when I'm away. This morning I was opening my journal to write a bit about the week and opened an old journal instead, accidently. This is what I read.

I found a quote the other day on Ali Edwards' blog that seems to say what I'm can't.
Dawna Markova : I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

Why waste a day worrying when there is so much that can be done to improve it? We have rules, and I reiterate the rules. I know that they are going to test the rules. It is the nature of curious children to test the rules. I try not to worry about messes that the kids will make either, because I know that the messes are going to happen. Sometimes BIG ones. Sometimes sticky ones. Often while in the process of breaking rules. There is almost no limit to the amount of imagination a child can transpose into mess form. Clean, happens - its true - but you can always be quite sure that mess is not far behind. Why worry?

I try to keep them safe. It's hard to improve on whole, healthy, intact bodies. I teach them not to fight, because angry voices destroy the peace we want in our home. Often enough, however, even these basic functions of motherhood find themselves thwarted. Sometimes, there is blood. Sometimes we need a stitch or two. Sometimes all you can hear is angry voices. This is the reason that some people have nannies. I take time when I need it, to talk to friends or relax. I do have to suffer through the craziness, but I'm also the one that gets all the good stuff. I watch it all happen, all day long, every day. No one can tell me that missing out on Q's tirades would be worth it. When I hear from those same little lips, a very sweet little voice saying, "I love you so much, Mommy. You're the best!" I know simultaneously what that voice is capable of and it melts me into a lump. You have to taste the bitter to know the sweet. You have to know the mess to appreciate the clean. You have to hear a lot of noise to truly savor a quiet moment.