I feel really great today.

How are you?

Really. I want to know.

On Raising Children

Two years ago, I was at a crossroads in my life. I was at the end of a beloved phase of my life, that of being at home full-time with my children. With my divorce came the necessity of working away from my home, and thankfully, my parents have been able to care for my children when I'm away. This morning I was opening my journal to write a bit about the week and opened an old journal instead, accidently. This is what I read.

I found a quote the other day on Ali Edwards' blog that seems to say what I'm can't.
Dawna Markova : I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

Why waste a day worrying when there is so much that can be done to improve it? We have rules, and I reiterate the rules. I know that they are going to test the rules. It is the nature of curious children to test the rules. I try not to worry about messes that the kids will make either, because I know that the messes are going to happen. Sometimes BIG ones. Sometimes sticky ones. Often while in the process of breaking rules. There is almost no limit to the amount of imagination a child can transpose into mess form. Clean, happens - its true - but you can always be quite sure that mess is not far behind. Why worry?

I try to keep them safe. It's hard to improve on whole, healthy, intact bodies. I teach them not to fight, because angry voices destroy the peace we want in our home. Often enough, however, even these basic functions of motherhood find themselves thwarted. Sometimes, there is blood. Sometimes we need a stitch or two. Sometimes all you can hear is angry voices. This is the reason that some people have nannies. I take time when I need it, to talk to friends or relax. I do have to suffer through the craziness, but I'm also the one that gets all the good stuff. I watch it all happen, all day long, every day. No one can tell me that missing out on Q's tirades would be worth it. When I hear from those same little lips, a very sweet little voice saying, "I love you so much, Mommy. You're the best!" I know simultaneously what that voice is capable of and it melts me into a lump. You have to taste the bitter to know the sweet. You have to know the mess to appreciate the clean. You have to hear a lot of noise to truly savor a quiet moment.

Baby Sister's Wedding

Mom is still cleaning, the arbor is set up on the deck, Dad is cutting stakes for yard signs directing traffic to a church parking lot a block away. The bride and Sister #5 are getting their hair done as we speak. I gave the Bride a manicure and pedicure last night. Soon there will be lovely dresses to don, family appearing at the door and new family to welcome and love.
Honestly, a year ago, we might have been surprised to have been shown this scene, but it is a joyous occasion. I doubt there will be many dry eyes. I'm starting to get a little teary just thinking about it. My baby sister was the consummate tom-boy. As a little girl, she was never "practicing" her wedding like the rest of her five sisters. It just wasn't her. She was out playing football with the neighborhood boys. She has always found her own way and taken on some hulking life lessons in her less than thirty years. She survived cancer at 18, and a somewhat troubled twenties. I am fairly sure that she would have been surprised at the scene as well - but she is happy. And we are happy. So Happy.
My baby sister is getting married today. It will be a wonderful day!

My 40th Birthday

I've been warned about today. I hear that there will likely be some weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. . . I'm not actually expecting any of that, however.

Here's what I'm expecting.

A day with my children, probably a pretty normal day. I don't have to go into work, so it's all about the six of us today and tonight. Maybe I'll make a dinner - I think we'll play that by ear. Something simple, no matter what we do. The order of the day is simplicity. We are going to have some Key Lime Pie tonight, because that is my absolute favorite pie. The kids like it too, so they are excited as well. Maybe I ought to go get another pie so that I won't have to share so much of mine. . . THAT is a very good idea!

I expect a phone call from my Sweetie. He is far away, but I did get to spend some time with him earlier this week and that was absolutely more than perfect and wonderful. He strengthens my heart and shines a very sweet & happy light into my soul. He sees and brings the best parts of me out to bless everyone around me. Every day with him in it is a very appreciated gift - whether he is near or far. I expect to be in love with him all day long, no matter what else is going on.

I expect to do some Yoga and take a Hot Bath. That is up to me, though. Sometimes I have to force myself do things just for myself - even when they are the exact things I enjoy most. It must be some kind of Mom Disease.

I want to do some work around my home - because I want that feeling of having accomplished something, as well, today. There is plenty to do in terms of things I've been putting off. I'm going to work on that to do list just a tad.

I am going to hold my Baby Girl for the absolute longest she'll let me. . . because I love doing that. She is a lot like me. Caring for her feels like caring for myself. Fun how that is. . .

I expect to break up some fights between the kids. . . that won't cease to happen just because it's my birthday.

I expect that my sons will mow the lawn. Ü

I expect that I will be very grateful to be alive and feel as blessed as I am - which is very very blessed. A lot has happened in the last few years, but it took me forty years to get here, and I can honestly say that I am glad and extremely grateful to be where I am RIGHT NOW. I believe that the best is yet to come. Some days, the here and now can be pretty overwhelming. . . but it is good. We will get where we need to go, in time.

And can I just say one more time how blessed I am to have my family and my love? Nothing compares to the blessings of precious people in your life. There are many people in my life that love me, and that I love. I am very very happy to be who I am today, and to have had 40 years of life - good growing years. Here's to the next 40 and all the wonderful people who will stay a part of and become a part of my life during those years. I look forward to loving you all.

"By Endurance We Conquer."

This is an incredible against-all-odds story. I believe that I will be drawing courage and inspiration from this man and his courage for the rest of my life.

The story of Sir Ernest Shackleton, as told by Allyson Lewis. The Seven Minute Difference, pp. 2-5.

Sir Ernest Shackleton, one of history's most daring navigators, was a man whose purpose was to lead explorations of earth's unknown areas.In pursuit of that purpose, Shackleton determined that he would lead an expedition to explore the Antarctic. He knew that the area held a wealth of important scientific information, and that such an expedition would be both historically and scientifically significant. He had a vision, he had a purpose, and he had a burning desire to accomplish things that no man had ever accomplished.

Shackleton and a crew of 26 (and a stowaway) set sail from Plymouth, England, on August 1, 1914, aboard the Endurance, a ship named for the Shackleton family motto "By Endurance We Conquer." After sailing around the tip of South America, the ship slowly made its way through the thickening ice of the Atlantic Ocean until the crew could see the Antarctic continent before them. Then, on Janurary 19, 1915, the ship stopped completely as the huge ice floes that clogged the sea trapped it.

With no other perceived options, Shackleton decided to wait until the spring thaw. Throughout the long dark Antarctic winter the ship was locked in place, the men stranded. As a leader, Shakleton knew that he must keep the crew's spirits high or they would never be able to endure the horrible cold and loneliness of this desolate situation. He led the men in games of football and hockey on the ice. The celebrated holidays, sang patriotic songs, and raced their dog sleds in what they called the Antarctic Derby.

After ten long months, the ice floes began to shift; but instead of freeing the Endurance, they slowly crushed the ship and dragged her to the bottom of the ocean. The crew unloaded as many supplies as they could, salvaging food, lifeboats, sled dogs, and supplies, then made camp on the ice floe that had crushed their ship. If you have ever felt trapped by circumstances beyond your control, adrift, or crushed by the shifting changes of the world around you, you might have some concept of the challenges facing Shackleton and his crew during these agonizing months.

Again, Shackleton stepped forward as the leader stepped forward as a leader. He gave his men his word that he would return every one of them safely to England. He did not allow them to consider the possibility that they would fail. Shackleton assigned daily rotating duties to the men, to keep them all engaged and actively at work on achieving their purpose. He reminded them frequently of their return voyage, and he kept their dreams of home always vivid in their minds. He asked the men to describe their homes; the counties where they lived; their wives, children, parents, and friends. He treated the idea of a successful voyage home as a forgone conclusion, and made the goal of achieving that dream the driving force behind every crew member's work and purpose.

On April 12, 4 months after the breakup of the Endurance, the ice floe on which the men were camped broke free and drifted within 30 miles of tiny Elephant Island. In a courageous dash, Shackleton and his crew boarded their three tiny lifeboats and sailed for the relative safety of the island. Amazingly, all three boats landed safely. Although they were able to shelter in the inhospitable place, the only source of food on the island was its flocks of penguins. Shackleton knew that without vegetables, he and his men would contract scurvy and die, and he was determined to avoid such a horrible conclusion to their venture.

So, in a 22 1/2 foot lifeboat named the James Caird, Shackleton and five of his men set out to make the whaling station on South Georgia Island, a 25 mile strip of land 800 miles away, across the open and stormy sea. With nothing more than a compass to guide them, Shackleton and 5 other crew members accomplished on of the greatest navigational feats in history and landed on the southern coast of the Georgia Island on May 10, just 17 days after launching.

Leading his tiny crew over uncharted mountains, through an icy rushing stream, and down the 30-foot drop of a waterfall, Shackleton successfully reached the whaling station within 36 hours after landing on the small island. Then after 4 months of repeated efforts to return, Shackleton successfully sailed back to Elephant Island and rescued his remaining 22 crew members. When he landed back on the island 105 days after leaving, he was amazed to find that all of his men remained alive. As Shackleton had promised, he and his men realized their dream; all of them returned to their homes in England. These were ordinary men with the same dreams and fears we ahe, but, by sharing the deep and passionate purpose of their leader, they persevered in the pursuit of an incredible achievement. Shackleton and his crew formulated common goals, and made sue that every choice they made and every action they undertook specifically moved them closer to those goals. The drew upon their strengths to survive throughout enormous hardship. Shackleton's core belief in a single, powerful dream guided them.

He still loves me.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because my well laid plans have come to naught. I was quite comfortable with the path I was on, and I'm sure it was necessary for me. I never could have made the decisions I made if I didn't have some calm assurance that things would work out well for my children and I. I was confident that I'd be able to find a teaching job. The doors flew open in that direction and I felt very peaceful about all the steps I took on that road. Until, that is, I turned in all the applications and not one school or school district called. After a month of no calls, and hearing the grim prospects from the people I called, I had to face the reality that there was no happy ending to my plan. The economy has brought many certified teachers into the schools and there isn't a need for someone like me that would need to go through the certification process while teaching. The economy has also made fast work of my degree field - for me. Now is not the time to find a design position that would give me the the financial autonomy I'd need to stay in my home. There was a ghost of a chance I'd be able to find something which didn't require a degree, but which would still give me the means that I needed. In the bright sun of day, however, I don't believe in ghosts. It's just time to move on.

So, here is my plan. I am going to sell my house, and move in with my parents. It is very humbling.

I know that caring for my children was the greatest work I ever could have done, but it didn't prepare me well for the world I face now. I have to get more education. I don't mind school, I was always good at school. I will get started on a path which will allow me to work in healthcare, nursing more particularly. It will take a while to get through that, but I should be able to find work while I'm on that path. It's certainly not where I thought the Lord was going to take me, nevertheless, it is where I'm going - and I have to believe that it is good. There must be goals. There must be direction. Honestly, I can't say that I KNOW where I'll be in four years but at least I have a plan. Again.

. . and I know that He loves me.

Never Dreamed.

I am at such a crazy place. When I was 15, on the Olympic High School Swim Team, no one could have convinced me that I'd be here. I enjoyed swimming. It rounded me out. It gave me something to reach for, besides grades. I was probably the worst swimmer on the team - or at least VERY close to the worst, vying for worst. (snicker) But it was about personal improvement and doing my best. It didn't bother me that it wasn't anywhere near the best. I had no idea how important it would be to my sanity at this point in my life. Three years on a swim team has made a world of difference to today's version of me.

I started swimming again last month, and have been three times. I've tried to get into a routine before, but the struggle of getting the kids to a sitter made the hour into a half day event. It wasn't worth that much time to me. I didn't have support from my husband, which was frustrating. I gave up. Now, however, I am without my children every other weekend. It can be lonely, and I make sure to plan things that I couldn't do if they were here. I don't squander that time because there just isn't that much of it. The first time I swam, I did 300 yards in 20 minutes. Today, I was able to do 900 yards in 35 minutes. I still feel a little bit jello-y in the muscles. It's great. As I'm swimming I can hear my coach yelling in my head. I know when my stroke is getting weak, I know when I'm shutting down 5 yards from the wall. I know when I'm not kicking because someone is yelling at me to kick harder. Today, as I came into the last wall, I heard a familiar voice say, "power it into the wall." My muscles were tired, but determination rose in me, and I did it. It felt wonderful. I knew I had done good work. 

You can't even dream some of what is out there, waiting. You can't imagine how important the ways you develop and grow will be to a future you. Pour yourself into. . . well, yourself. Care about yourself. Be grateful for your blessings. Tell the Lord, "THANK YOU!" Believe me, every time I get into the water, and feel myself moving in old familiar ways, I AM SO GRATEFUL that they ARE old and familiar. It is like coming home to the 15 year old me. I feel younger and more hopeful - a lot more like her. What a blessing!

Cold here tonight

It’s cold here tonight.

I am shaking just a little bit

as I write.

It’s not bad.

It seems to echo my heart.

Poor shaking heart.

Poor frightened heart.

This is my road.

It is icy and a bit dangerous.

There’s so much

at stake, so many things hanging

in the balance.

Steady now eyes.

Steady hands,

      steady.

Winter will give way

to spring.

It is as certain

as the sunrise.

It will come.

Dream, heart

and feel,

your warmest days

unfolding.

I wrote this in January, and forgot about it. I was so happy to read it again today, now that warmer days have certainly come. I could never have imagined a year ago what my life would be today. I am happier in almost every way. We can't always imagine what the future has in store. 

I'm at another crossroads - just as I was last May. I've felt the stress, which has been profound. This time, however, I feel stronger. Experience is an excellent teacher. This next thought is going to sound random, but I'll tie it in, I promise. I've been teaching my children to float when we go to the pool. It is the first rule of water safety. Panic is your aquatic enemy. You must relax completely and be absolutely still. It occurs to me that in life, as well, thrashing around and panicking in a sea of stress is wasted energy, and possibly even emotionally lethal. We are often told to "Be Still." At times like this, even when there is literally a SEA of stress that seems as if it would swallow me whole, quiet faith calls for that stillness. Experience has taught me to follow my heart, and allow the greater powers of the universe to guide my life.

Threshold

My life is new today. The divorce was final - the fifth of May.

I was also down with a virus today. My daughter, E, had it on Sunday and it didn't last long - so I'm hopeful. I don't want to be sick tomorrow. The most amazing thing happened today, though. I was down from early afternoon on. My mother brought the boys home from school. The other kids are off track. From my bedroom I could hear my 13 year old son, T, taking charge. He had dinner planned and was obviously prepared to care for the kids the rest of the day. They watched Stardust together, after which he made German Pancakes for them, and they ate outside on the picnic table. They had a wonderful time. He brought me water and commanded me to stay in bed. I got up once to go to the bathroom and he came running in asking why I was up, what I needed. He listed a few things, and told me to go back to bed. I laughed and told him why he was up, and he relented - but made sure that I knew that was it, I wasn't doing anything else. When they finished with dinner, he took the kids down to the park. When they got home, they all watched another movie - a Barbie movie which is one of my three-year-old's favorites.

Can I just tell you what a relief this was? I never imagined that he would not only step in to help, but truly manage things as kindly and as well as he did. Now, he has all the little ones in his room for one more movie as they fall asleep. He has given up his bed to the girls and is going to sleep on a futon on the floor, so that I can get a good night's rest. I'm so proud of him. I've never seen him exhibit such incredible unselfishness. It's been a hard road this last year, but I'm starting to truly see in my children the strength they've developed. They are adjusting well. 

For so many reasons, I couldn't be more grateful today.

U2's "Yahweh"

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

Dark Chocolate Dove Speaks.

This is what my wrapper said:

"Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness."

I thought that was a pretty good one.

Be Still My Soul.

It will get easier, this path I'm taking. In the meantime, there is a beautiful song that the Holy Ghost can use to comfort me deeply. I am so grateful for this blessing. It came just at the right time today, when I needed to know that Heavenly Father was aware of me, struggling.

Here are the words:

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Here is David Archuleta singing the song:

A New Day.

It is now 12:00 a.m. on the dot. (I know when I post this, it won't read that way, but it was when I started.) It's really more than that, however. It's the first day in a new ERA in my life. My children are spending the weekend with their father, at his home. We will go on this way the rest of our lives - or at least until they are grown. This is the new "normal". This is what we agreed to in our divorce. It's not what my heart wanted, but I think it was the best solution available to us. I can accept it, and move forward with my life. I will give them my best and a full share of my love for the gospel whenever they are with me. I will pray that they will remember my words and testimony when they are away from me. I will pray that they recognize the presence of the Holy Ghost in my home. I will do my best to make Him, and Our Savior welcome at all times. We need Him to strive with us. I will be faithful. I will be the example that they need.
The thing about these temporal changes is that there are somethings that will NEVER change as long as I remain faithful to my covenants. I know it is probably normal, when a spouse leaves the Church and a Temple Marriage, to feel that it was all for naught. I don't, however, feel that way. I feel supremely blessed to have those promises, to know that no matter what happens here, temporally, MY CHILDREN ARE MINE. It means the world to me to know that my covenants are intact and whole, unbroken and uncompromised. I can imagine that without that, I might feel a much greater despair right now. I might feel completely lost. I feel a little sad, but I am not lost because WE are not lost. The wedding photo still hangs in our hallway, with the temple behind us. It reminds me everyday of the promises I made, and have kept. I love those promises, and cherish the comfort they give me in knowing that far beyond the aches of my temporal heart, forever and forever, these five beautiful souls are bound to me. MY CHILDREN ARE MINE.

Surprise.

I was in Junior High again this morning. I hadn't anticipated being there when all of the kids were milling through the halls but my meeting went longer than I anticipated. As I was exiting the building, with early teens on all sides, I was forced to grapple with something I've not dealt with in a LONG time.
I'm short!
I was even wearing the shoes that by default make me a little taller than I normally am. I was probably about eye level with a lot of the girls. . . but I was grossly outsized by most of the boys. I had this little feeling of panic, which REALLY surprised me. It's not that I felt insecure, or uncomfortable in my own skin - I'm good with those things. I have been at my current height for 27 years, which alone is twice the age of most of the kids in that building. I wasn't intimidated on an adult level. I love where I am as a person right now, even though this morning it meant meeting with the Vice Principal regarding my son's poor behavioral choices. (Another story for another time.)
What I realized is that a long time ago a young girl WAS intimidated by it all, and somewhere inside of me she is still alive and kicking. I had no idea, honestly. I've been in much more demanding social situations over the last 27 years. I spent 18 months as a missionary in a foreign country speaking with people about religion, in their language. I loved it. I enjoy public speaking - really enjoy it. I have never considered my adult self to be insecure, but that little girl is still there. What a surprise.

Lessons in Alma Chapter 38

5 And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

As Much As. . . Even So Much

This is an amazing promise. I have experienced this in my own life. I don't think it means that the Lord will act exactly the way we would like him to. He will deliver us in the way that he sees fit, but we will know that it is through his hand that we were delivered. When the Lord moves mountains for you, you know it.

10 . . . I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things.

11 See that ye are not lifted up unto pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength.

12 Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

I was struggling tonight with the facts of my son’s life, how sad I am that he is still failing courses in school, etc. It is difficult to know how much is the right amount of pressure, and what my part is in helping him to succeed. I was reading in Alma 38 before I went to bed and found these verses. I thought it was very to the point and seemed to meet my needs and answer some of my questions. I was glad for the inspiration. Everything in life can be a struggle - and it goes back a lot to verse 5 - when we trust in the Lord, he will show us the way and deliver us.