Down Day

I'm feeling a little bit lost and blue and I have every right to be. It's not in my nature, and generally it doesn't stick around long. I don't tend to dwell on my "feelings" - I just take stock and move on with my day. That may actually be one of the keys to not getting completely lost in my perceived misery. When someone asked me how I was feeling today I responded, "We're here." And I meant that whole heartedly.
The issues at hand are explosive. They have have been stressful and painful and sometimes unbearable. They haven't been the source of much contention, however. D & I do a lot of talking, and then we talk more and later on we'll hash through some more. Honesty is important, I think - even if it's painful. I'd rather have honesty than the tower of cards you build by trying to make things look perfect all the time. I don't know how or why people do that. The stress of that alone, probably puts a good number of women in an early grave. We try to improve. Sometimes we backslide. Sometimes we make enough progress that both of us can honestly feel the difference. Honesty is important.
The next thing on my list, is reality. I don't strive for physical perfection and I don't hate my friends that come by it naturally. One of the sweetest girls I know happens to be quite petite. She doesn't have time to work out, and eats Big Macs. I couldn't look like her if I worked out 24 hours a day and never ate a thing. I would just end up feeling like a big failure if I decided to adopt a goal like that, what's the point. Rather stress out over it, I just try to manage what I've got. I look younger than I am, which is nice. Gray hairs have been multiplying in the last few years, but that's part of adding years to your life. I'm not into coloring the grays, I move on. I have my hair cut when I can't do anything with it anymore. I have enough make up to perk up my visage on a day like today, or when I have something special on my to do list. I don't wear make-up to go to the grocery store or to my children's school. I look MUCH better with a little make-up, and who doesn't? The thing is that I FEEL pretty much the same either way. I'm myself. I'm generally happy because of what I've got going on INSIDE my head. Having a more pleasing aesthetic doesn't make me a better person.
Perfection is out of reach to human beings. I never really expected "perfect" from life however, so the though isn't all that devastating. People you love are going to make mistakes. There will be disagreements. There will be sadness. You have to taste the bitter to know the sweet. If I can just get through this down day, I'm sure that tomorrow things will look a little better. One of my friends asked the other day if there were more good days than bad, and the answer to that is yes. That is why I know that even if I feel sad and lost today, there are more days on their way - and more of them will be good than bad. It's my daughter's 6th birthday tomorrow and we are having a party. She is at the quintessential girly stage. She is a beautiful little girl, and she is so excited about her birthday. It is truly contagious. One of the blessings of having children is the opportunity to enjoy that excitemetn with her. We'll all have some fun. D will bake an excellent sour cream chocolate cake and we will all just pause for the day to celebrate. There will be a mess to clean up later, soda will be spilled, someone will probably dump a full plate of food on the floor, but celebrating will be great. It's worth getting through this down day for. It's worth the trials of today to see her face when she wakes up tomorrow and beams with joy just at the thought of being six. A little of that will linger around for a while. The celebration of life, flaws and all, is what will keep me alive.