Taxes

I've been doing a slipshod job of TurboTax, just to get things to a point where we could see whether or not we will owe any taxes this year. The bad news is, I'm going to have to do the entire thing over again in a meticulous kind of way. The good news is that even without entering my little stamping business (which will probably be in the red this year) and not putting in any expenses for D's business, we are getting a refund. That means the refund only goes up from here! Yippee! That is really good news. Last year we had to pay, and it was no big deal because we had the money. This year we are poor as all get out. We have a new house. We are waiting for some of D's freelance money to arrive and in the meantime, we are hoping we can pay the bills on time. It's not a fun place to be, and the kids have figured that out fast. "No" is the word they've been hearing a lot lately. It's good for all of us, I'm sure. We've been loose with the budget for a while - like "budget?" - but the new house payment just won't tolerate that. It'll be a while before we can cut ourselves loose from the pile of financial responsibilities that we have at the moment. We'll have more deductible interest next year, and that's nice. Sometimes it takes a little pressure to bring about positive changes. I feel that these will indeed be positive changes, even though at the moment it feels like a big pinch. Generally D and I don't fight about money. We don't fight about very much at all. We talk a lot, too - so I'm sure that we aren't just "keeping it all in". With everything else in such turmoil, however, I was taken aback a bit by the shock of financial issues. I guess that when it rains it pours. What I'm hoping for is that we can get the government to pour just a little bit back into our pockets this year. It would be more than just a really nice surprise, it would almost be a miracle. . . And I'll take it.

First day of Spring

Everything looks so easy when you're young. Twelve to Twenty-One are such interesting years. I was a fairly confident youth. Looking back, I shudder at the sight of that girl. No one could have told that girl a thing. She was so sure of what her life had in store. It was going to be amazing. No challenge was too great. She was full of imagined strength. She was loving and patient, and well prepared. (That is the truth.) She had no sense of the vast amount of pain, frustration and agony that are an integral part of marriage and motherhood. She had some lofty ideals which for the most part are still intact. I have been true to her dreams, and I am living all of them. Those dreams, however, have brought with them significant challenges.

I'm much more humble now about life in general. I don't expect daily bliss. I am seriously willing to settle for daily survival. It's one of those things that I do in order to be kind to myself. Lowered expectations leave me open to the little bits of joy available to me right now. I refuse to put off a good laugh until my children can keep their rooms clean. Yesterday's pots are still in the sink. I've had a creative bug twitching around in my head for a few days, and I intend to keep swatting at it. The pots aren't going anywhere. My toddler is the sweetest thing known to man. I have tasted the bitter, and I know the sweet. I know the sweet, and I intend to enjoy the sweet.

At this moment, I'm in a kind of sweet spot. It has been interesting in the last six months how my emotional life had mirrored the seasons. Fall was very colorful, very colorful indeed. We were finally able to take possession of our home, and immediately started replacing the flooring. D and I have never been, in 13 years, as emotionally separated as we were during the fall, no fault of the home. We couldn't find each other. It was like looking through pile after pile of fallen leaves for something precious which was lost. Winter was cold. Of course in Utah, winter is always cold. There were a few sunny days. As always, even in the depths of a deep freeze there are some gloriously bright, if chilly, days. Christmas, for example, was wonderful and there were a few others. For the most part, however, it was cold. Lately in Utah, we've had very warm temperatures and it has been so nice outside. We've been walking to the park, enjoying the weather and amenities in our new neighborhood. Emotionally, however, I was still pretty cold. Spring is my favorite season and I was wondering if I'd be able to enjoy it like I usually do. I doubted that I would really be open to it. I lamented the thought of all the beauty without the wonder. Then, like a little crocus sprout, I started to see some green poking up through the barren earth of my heart. Spring is finally here. Flowers are going to be blooming everywhere, and I am going to love it. Already today, the sight of all the bright yellow forsythia was enough to brighten my mood quite a bit. There is a lot of rain in the Spring. I'm well aware that it will be a very long time before I really feel like myself again, especially where D is concerned. Still, what that little crocus sprout has told me is that through all of this, my sweetest joys have been more dormant than dead.

These are the things that youthful me couldn't see. Life doesn't stop for pain, thank the heavens above. Life keeps moving forward. No matter what the cost, she marches on, dragging us right along with her if we'll allow it. She's taken me on quite a ride, and although I'm not willing to say what the future is going to be, I like "right now." I've tasted the bitter, and I know the sweet. I know the sweet, and I intend to enjoy and appreciate the sweet.

No such thing as Can't

My boy T has been srtuggling with balancing the demands of school and baseball. Until now, he's been a free spirit after school. Get your homework done, hang out with neighborhood kids, beg to play video games, do some chores - that was the life. Yesterday, he had a lot of reading to do - like fifty pages - and some spelling homework. He was an emotional mess when we arrived home. He had an hour before we had to get him to baseball practice, but chose not to dive into said homework. I suppose he was a bit distracted at practice because he was called out for looking at the ground while the coach was giving directions. He hadn't had much support from his teacher either - "School work is more important than baseball. Just get it done." He was in a world of hurt. In the end, he was up until 11 p.m. and was able to finish the spelling, but not the reading. I woke him up a half hour early, and he knocked out the rest of it. As I thought back on some of the tough homework experiences I had as an older elementary school student, I realized that these are things are going to stick with him. Not in a negative way, but in a formative way. You learn a lot about yourself when the work load increases. What he's going through is hard. He's got a few more of these moments coming, too. I know of a report that he'll be doing this year which is going to totally drop him to the ground. I'm not going to do it for him, he's going to have to do the work himself. It's good for him. You should've seen the look on his face this morning. He was blissful as he got into the car, knowing that everything was done. It was a moment to appreciate, and cherish. Smiles aren't as common as they used to be and I'm sure they'll get even less frequent as the years continue to march forward. Baseball won't last forever, and the pressure cooker will be off for a while. He's gaining something important, however, which I do believe will last a good long time. Self-confidence, knowing that he can do the work if he'll just stick with it, is priceless. He thinks everyone in the world is mean. I think everyone in his world likes him a lot, and wants to see him succeed as much as I do. That is a fantastic thing to realize as a parent. The boy is going to make it.

Some Gratitude

I have a quote in the entry of my home which reads, "Gratitude is the sign of noble souls." I chose it because it reminds me of the people in my life that I consider to be noble. I recognize gratitude as a common element of their characters. They have the sense that they have been watched over carefully and they express it. I feel some of that today, myself. Most likely, the fact that I am able to sit quietly, read, and write without interruption has a great deal to do with that feeling. My Dad used to take pictures of us sleeping. I didn't quite understand his motivation until I had children of my own and experienced the joy that their sleep brought me. As much as I love them, as beautiful as they are, when they are sleeping I am reminded that I am at my core a single individual and that I still exist as a whole unit, all by myself. That I can feel happy, grateful to be living my life at this time in my life, seems almost a miracle to me. The difficulties are mountainous, but you know that feeling you get when you are out hiking around in nature? It can be physically strenuous, but it is also exhilarating at times. Coming out of a dense grove of trees, then catching a glimpse of clear blue sky or a bubbling brook can be wondrous. Life has been very forested lately. Glimpses of sky have been very few. At times it has seemed as though thickets of briars and thorns grew up around me so quickly that I could hardly move without running into something painful. Tonight I feel much relieved of life's weighty issues. I feel quite free and my heart feels light and easy. I know how to truly appreciate that feeling now. I know how to be grateful for just a moment's contentment and the chance to sit quietly by myself. I think I'm growing up. Thank Heaven for that.

Respect

I don't demand perfection from my kids, but I am starting to demand some respect. Respect for me and my time, respect for others, and respect for the rules. I don't intend to raise children with a ridiculous sense of entitlement. What makes a kid think that he or she should have everything delivered on a silver platter and never have to do a lick of work? Well, in my opinion it would be the parents who act like a personal concierge and butler service. Not my house. Not my kids. One of the best parents I've ever known is a single mom. She has raised such a respectful boy, it is jaw-dropping. I aspire to that. Our situations are not the same but good parenting is just good parenting. A parent is not a pal. A parent has to make the tough calls, and deliver the tough medicine. My children regularly tell me how mean I am, and from time to time they even go so far as to say that they hate me. I think of this as an indication that the medicine I'm delivering is indeed difficult to swallow and that I'm succeeding in my desire to steer clear of the buddy syndrome. I remember saying the same kinds of things to my own mother, who I knew all along was very excellent, loving and attentive. I aspire to be like my mother. I feel very lucky to have had her patient and tender example. She had six daughters. I have a few sons in the mix. Our situations are not the same, but she lives close by and is always willing bless us with her love. On the subject of tough medicine, I want my children to trust me because they know I will tell them the truth, but love them regardless. That's a pearl that my parents gave to me. They were honest with their children about their expectations even when they knew it would smart. People aren't perfect, and you can't schedule them into perfection. You can't force them into perfection. People need room to grow and change. Children need pruning, just like trees and shrubs. Some useless branches need to be cut out for the benefit of the plant's health and vigor. People need to be appreciated and thanked and held responsible. Those are some of the things I hope to provide my children. Life provides so many opportunities to teach, guide and direct. It is mostly just a matter of making sure you take advantage of the situations that present themselves. For example. Q has chosen today to find his way into my arms as I'm typing. That is a situation that I intend to take advantage of immediately. I intend to finish these thoughts and take him directly into the other room and read to him because frankly I can count the number of times in the last 3 + years that he has been willing to sit still. Parenting. It's such a mixed bag - just like everything else in the world that is actually worth the time you put into it.

Down Day

I'm feeling a little bit lost and blue and I have every right to be. It's not in my nature, and generally it doesn't stick around long. I don't tend to dwell on my "feelings" - I just take stock and move on with my day. That may actually be one of the keys to not getting completely lost in my perceived misery. When someone asked me how I was feeling today I responded, "We're here." And I meant that whole heartedly.
The issues at hand are explosive. They have have been stressful and painful and sometimes unbearable. They haven't been the source of much contention, however. D & I do a lot of talking, and then we talk more and later on we'll hash through some more. Honesty is important, I think - even if it's painful. I'd rather have honesty than the tower of cards you build by trying to make things look perfect all the time. I don't know how or why people do that. The stress of that alone, probably puts a good number of women in an early grave. We try to improve. Sometimes we backslide. Sometimes we make enough progress that both of us can honestly feel the difference. Honesty is important.
The next thing on my list, is reality. I don't strive for physical perfection and I don't hate my friends that come by it naturally. One of the sweetest girls I know happens to be quite petite. She doesn't have time to work out, and eats Big Macs. I couldn't look like her if I worked out 24 hours a day and never ate a thing. I would just end up feeling like a big failure if I decided to adopt a goal like that, what's the point. Rather stress out over it, I just try to manage what I've got. I look younger than I am, which is nice. Gray hairs have been multiplying in the last few years, but that's part of adding years to your life. I'm not into coloring the grays, I move on. I have my hair cut when I can't do anything with it anymore. I have enough make up to perk up my visage on a day like today, or when I have something special on my to do list. I don't wear make-up to go to the grocery store or to my children's school. I look MUCH better with a little make-up, and who doesn't? The thing is that I FEEL pretty much the same either way. I'm myself. I'm generally happy because of what I've got going on INSIDE my head. Having a more pleasing aesthetic doesn't make me a better person.
Perfection is out of reach to human beings. I never really expected "perfect" from life however, so the though isn't all that devastating. People you love are going to make mistakes. There will be disagreements. There will be sadness. You have to taste the bitter to know the sweet. If I can just get through this down day, I'm sure that tomorrow things will look a little better. One of my friends asked the other day if there were more good days than bad, and the answer to that is yes. That is why I know that even if I feel sad and lost today, there are more days on their way - and more of them will be good than bad. It's my daughter's 6th birthday tomorrow and we are having a party. She is at the quintessential girly stage. She is a beautiful little girl, and she is so excited about her birthday. It is truly contagious. One of the blessings of having children is the opportunity to enjoy that excitemetn with her. We'll all have some fun. D will bake an excellent sour cream chocolate cake and we will all just pause for the day to celebrate. There will be a mess to clean up later, soda will be spilled, someone will probably dump a full plate of food on the floor, but celebrating will be great. It's worth getting through this down day for. It's worth the trials of today to see her face when she wakes up tomorrow and beams with joy just at the thought of being six. A little of that will linger around for a while. The celebration of life, flaws and all, is what will keep me alive.

Gathering my thoughts

Q asked me today if he was good in church. I had to stop and think. Was he quiet? Not especially. But I didn't have to take him out for being extra noisy - and, when I did have to take A out, he didn't follow me. "Yes, you were a very good boy today." This leads me to another thought.
Last Wednesday, I had the opportunity to go to a theater here in town - it is gorgeous, theater in the round and very unique. A month ago, our women's group at church was offered this gem of an evening. We could come tour the theater, have dinner and then see the show, "Little Women". I was looking forward to it, but when push came to shove, I couldn't find a sitter for the entire evening. It was one of D's late nights. So I decided to go just for the tour. That was the best idea I'd had in ages. It's the same thing I was thinking about today when Q asked me about his behavior. You can't have everything, but sometimes what you can have is great. The tour was great.
The third thought that seems to fit in very well here has to do with my family. I imagined what it would be like living with my children. Reality bears little resemblance to those early ideas. The children are beautiful and healthy. They are also smart alecs, and can often be very disrespectful - especially when it comes to things, like chores, which seem to interfere with the way they would prefer to use their time. Most of it, I can live with and consider very much related to immaturity. Since I am still in charge, however I have decided that there will be a new system of communication put into place. Immediately. Responses to Mom and Dad will now be addressed to Sir and Ma'am. T is going to outgrow me height-wise within the next year. At first D balked, thinking that it was too much. After making the height observation and then noting the laissez faire attitude with which the boy expresses his opinions, D was more on board.
The thing that most of these thoughts have in common is realism. They all recognize the dream world for what it is - an opportunity to be dissatisfied with life as IT ACTUALLY IS. In that recognition is also the opportunity to be satisfied with life's imperfections, and therefore the chance for happiness. That is truly a thought worth gathering into to my heart and mind as often as possible.

Sport

Last month I got the boys enrolled in some sports. C has already started his indoor soccer - my kind of thing, one game a week, with practice in the fifteen minutes before the game starts. He loves it. He gets to be active without a lot of time commitment. C has been known to say, "I don't like to work." He means it, too. Lucky for him he is a little too smart for his own good, and hasn't had to work very hard in school to come up with good results. We are working on that.
T's baseball is quickly coming up. We got an email about TRYOUTS next Wednesday. That freaked me out, because very simply although he loves it and has some basic talent, he hasn't played much. He has had very little practice since his last league which was very low key, and 2 years ago. I'm planning on taking him to the batting cages a couple of times before Wednesday. If the snow will melt we should be able to throw a ball around, too. I just want him to have fun, and I don't want this to be a crushing experience. I don't have much in the way of "protective mom" in my nature. I have assumed that my children will learn the best if I stay out of their way and step in when there are safety issues. I have this feeling, and my feelings are usually right, that I shouldn't worry about it - that this will be a good experience for him. The best possible result in my opinion would be a desire on his part to work hard and improve his game. He is the kind of person that thrives on falling a little bit short. He is willing to work hard to get better. He doesn't mind work, and is quite unlike C in that way. He has always had to work a little bit harder to make the grade, but once he has something, it sticks with him.
E would like to try her feet at dance, and I think that would be a good thing for her. She saw some tap dancing on TV and was imitating it the rest of the evening. She is so cute that way. The things that happen during the day are literal springboards for her imagination. She and Q will see or hear something, and the next think I know they'll be off in a world of their own. I don't generally worry about how much TV they watch. They just don't sit still long enough to get much viewing time. When they do watch, I try to keep it to PBS shows, or videos that we like. Speaking of dance and sport, the 2007 U.S. National Amateur Dancesport Championships will be held next weekend at my alma mater. E's birthday is Saturday - what a gift that would be.
Being aware of opportunities and taking advantage of them is the thing I find most challenging. I want my children to try some things in order to discover what they do - and don't - enjoy. My parents gave me opportunities to swim, and I loved it. I sensed a willingness in myself to keep trying, and to improve. It was truly a personal sport for me, because I was never a real asset to any of my swim teams, but I enjoyed it. It was something that I could do. It rounded me out and helped me get beyond the academics of high school. I did a lot with academics in high school. I competed and excelled. Truthfully, although I was never a champion in the swimming arena, the opportunity to compete was just as important to me and is probably the reason that I want to support the desires of my children in the area of sport. I have to keep listening and watching for things like, "I really want to do soccer (or baseball) this year" and or the little girl dancing around the house. I need to ask questions and be ready to act. Sometimes, it won't be possible, but when it is I hope that I am always willing to support them in their desire to get out and play.

The language of Q

This was part of a previous post, and is one that I will continue to update. I love love love this age with children. They are learning so much so quickly - and it they use everything at their disposal to communicate. I try to remember as much as possible and get it into their scrapbooks to review when they are driving me crazy. Some of my all time favorite Q creations are in the realm of language. One of the funniest things Q does is use sound effects to fill in the gaps in his vocabulary. I'll try to pay close attention so that I can capture one of these sentences as true to form as I can.

Many children have their own sweet version of the ABC's. Q knows the ABC song perfectly and this is how it goes. "A, B, C, D, F, O, G. . .How I wonder what you are."

He has brought to us "Hangaburgs" - hamburgers, "Gargarbshz Can" - garbage truck, "Buggle Gum" - bubble gum, "Chicka Maggots" - Chicken Nuggets, "backset" - basket, "frayvit" - favorite, "sofaly" - softly, "oak" - yolk, "Who is that?" - What is that?, "Boats" - Honey Bunches of Oats, "Crampa and Cramma" - Grandpa and Grandma, "Spraindled Eggs" - scrambled eggs, "Yes, I nam", and finally "Butt Lightyear" - sorry Mr. Disney.

I will add to this list as I remember or hear more.