Cold here tonight

It’s cold here tonight.

I am shaking just a little bit

as I write.

It’s not bad.

It seems to echo my heart.

Poor shaking heart.

Poor frightened heart.

This is my road.

It is icy and a bit dangerous.

There’s so much

at stake, so many things hanging

in the balance.

Steady now eyes.

Steady hands,

      steady.

Winter will give way

to spring.

It is as certain

as the sunrise.

It will come.

Dream, heart

and feel,

your warmest days

unfolding.

I wrote this in January, and forgot about it. I was so happy to read it again today, now that warmer days have certainly come. I could never have imagined a year ago what my life would be today. I am happier in almost every way. We can't always imagine what the future has in store. 

I'm at another crossroads - just as I was last May. I've felt the stress, which has been profound. This time, however, I feel stronger. Experience is an excellent teacher. This next thought is going to sound random, but I'll tie it in, I promise. I've been teaching my children to float when we go to the pool. It is the first rule of water safety. Panic is your aquatic enemy. You must relax completely and be absolutely still. It occurs to me that in life, as well, thrashing around and panicking in a sea of stress is wasted energy, and possibly even emotionally lethal. We are often told to "Be Still." At times like this, even when there is literally a SEA of stress that seems as if it would swallow me whole, quiet faith calls for that stillness. Experience has taught me to follow my heart, and allow the greater powers of the universe to guide my life.

Threshold

My life is new today. The divorce was final - the fifth of May.

I was also down with a virus today. My daughter, E, had it on Sunday and it didn't last long - so I'm hopeful. I don't want to be sick tomorrow. The most amazing thing happened today, though. I was down from early afternoon on. My mother brought the boys home from school. The other kids are off track. From my bedroom I could hear my 13 year old son, T, taking charge. He had dinner planned and was obviously prepared to care for the kids the rest of the day. They watched Stardust together, after which he made German Pancakes for them, and they ate outside on the picnic table. They had a wonderful time. He brought me water and commanded me to stay in bed. I got up once to go to the bathroom and he came running in asking why I was up, what I needed. He listed a few things, and told me to go back to bed. I laughed and told him why he was up, and he relented - but made sure that I knew that was it, I wasn't doing anything else. When they finished with dinner, he took the kids down to the park. When they got home, they all watched another movie - a Barbie movie which is one of my three-year-old's favorites.

Can I just tell you what a relief this was? I never imagined that he would not only step in to help, but truly manage things as kindly and as well as he did. Now, he has all the little ones in his room for one more movie as they fall asleep. He has given up his bed to the girls and is going to sleep on a futon on the floor, so that I can get a good night's rest. I'm so proud of him. I've never seen him exhibit such incredible unselfishness. It's been a hard road this last year, but I'm starting to truly see in my children the strength they've developed. They are adjusting well. 

For so many reasons, I couldn't be more grateful today.