He still loves me.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because my well laid plans have come to naught. I was quite comfortable with the path I was on, and I'm sure it was necessary for me. I never could have made the decisions I made if I didn't have some calm assurance that things would work out well for my children and I. I was confident that I'd be able to find a teaching job. The doors flew open in that direction and I felt very peaceful about all the steps I took on that road. Until, that is, I turned in all the applications and not one school or school district called. After a month of no calls, and hearing the grim prospects from the people I called, I had to face the reality that there was no happy ending to my plan. The economy has brought many certified teachers into the schools and there isn't a need for someone like me that would need to go through the certification process while teaching. The economy has also made fast work of my degree field - for me. Now is not the time to find a design position that would give me the the financial autonomy I'd need to stay in my home. There was a ghost of a chance I'd be able to find something which didn't require a degree, but which would still give me the means that I needed. In the bright sun of day, however, I don't believe in ghosts. It's just time to move on.

So, here is my plan. I am going to sell my house, and move in with my parents. It is very humbling.

I know that caring for my children was the greatest work I ever could have done, but it didn't prepare me well for the world I face now. I have to get more education. I don't mind school, I was always good at school. I will get started on a path which will allow me to work in healthcare, nursing more particularly. It will take a while to get through that, but I should be able to find work while I'm on that path. It's certainly not where I thought the Lord was going to take me, nevertheless, it is where I'm going - and I have to believe that it is good. There must be goals. There must be direction. Honestly, I can't say that I KNOW where I'll be in four years but at least I have a plan. Again.

. . and I know that He loves me.

Never Dreamed.

I am at such a crazy place. When I was 15, on the Olympic High School Swim Team, no one could have convinced me that I'd be here. I enjoyed swimming. It rounded me out. It gave me something to reach for, besides grades. I was probably the worst swimmer on the team - or at least VERY close to the worst, vying for worst. (snicker) But it was about personal improvement and doing my best. It didn't bother me that it wasn't anywhere near the best. I had no idea how important it would be to my sanity at this point in my life. Three years on a swim team has made a world of difference to today's version of me.

I started swimming again last month, and have been three times. I've tried to get into a routine before, but the struggle of getting the kids to a sitter made the hour into a half day event. It wasn't worth that much time to me. I didn't have support from my husband, which was frustrating. I gave up. Now, however, I am without my children every other weekend. It can be lonely, and I make sure to plan things that I couldn't do if they were here. I don't squander that time because there just isn't that much of it. The first time I swam, I did 300 yards in 20 minutes. Today, I was able to do 900 yards in 35 minutes. I still feel a little bit jello-y in the muscles. It's great. As I'm swimming I can hear my coach yelling in my head. I know when my stroke is getting weak, I know when I'm shutting down 5 yards from the wall. I know when I'm not kicking because someone is yelling at me to kick harder. Today, as I came into the last wall, I heard a familiar voice say, "power it into the wall." My muscles were tired, but determination rose in me, and I did it. It felt wonderful. I knew I had done good work. 

You can't even dream some of what is out there, waiting. You can't imagine how important the ways you develop and grow will be to a future you. Pour yourself into. . . well, yourself. Care about yourself. Be grateful for your blessings. Tell the Lord, "THANK YOU!" Believe me, every time I get into the water, and feel myself moving in old familiar ways, I AM SO GRATEFUL that they ARE old and familiar. It is like coming home to the 15 year old me. I feel younger and more hopeful - a lot more like her. What a blessing!

Cold here tonight

It’s cold here tonight.

I am shaking just a little bit

as I write.

It’s not bad.

It seems to echo my heart.

Poor shaking heart.

Poor frightened heart.

This is my road.

It is icy and a bit dangerous.

There’s so much

at stake, so many things hanging

in the balance.

Steady now eyes.

Steady hands,

      steady.

Winter will give way

to spring.

It is as certain

as the sunrise.

It will come.

Dream, heart

and feel,

your warmest days

unfolding.

I wrote this in January, and forgot about it. I was so happy to read it again today, now that warmer days have certainly come. I could never have imagined a year ago what my life would be today. I am happier in almost every way. We can't always imagine what the future has in store. 

I'm at another crossroads - just as I was last May. I've felt the stress, which has been profound. This time, however, I feel stronger. Experience is an excellent teacher. This next thought is going to sound random, but I'll tie it in, I promise. I've been teaching my children to float when we go to the pool. It is the first rule of water safety. Panic is your aquatic enemy. You must relax completely and be absolutely still. It occurs to me that in life, as well, thrashing around and panicking in a sea of stress is wasted energy, and possibly even emotionally lethal. We are often told to "Be Still." At times like this, even when there is literally a SEA of stress that seems as if it would swallow me whole, quiet faith calls for that stillness. Experience has taught me to follow my heart, and allow the greater powers of the universe to guide my life.

Threshold

My life is new today. The divorce was final - the fifth of May.

I was also down with a virus today. My daughter, E, had it on Sunday and it didn't last long - so I'm hopeful. I don't want to be sick tomorrow. The most amazing thing happened today, though. I was down from early afternoon on. My mother brought the boys home from school. The other kids are off track. From my bedroom I could hear my 13 year old son, T, taking charge. He had dinner planned and was obviously prepared to care for the kids the rest of the day. They watched Stardust together, after which he made German Pancakes for them, and they ate outside on the picnic table. They had a wonderful time. He brought me water and commanded me to stay in bed. I got up once to go to the bathroom and he came running in asking why I was up, what I needed. He listed a few things, and told me to go back to bed. I laughed and told him why he was up, and he relented - but made sure that I knew that was it, I wasn't doing anything else. When they finished with dinner, he took the kids down to the park. When they got home, they all watched another movie - a Barbie movie which is one of my three-year-old's favorites.

Can I just tell you what a relief this was? I never imagined that he would not only step in to help, but truly manage things as kindly and as well as he did. Now, he has all the little ones in his room for one more movie as they fall asleep. He has given up his bed to the girls and is going to sleep on a futon on the floor, so that I can get a good night's rest. I'm so proud of him. I've never seen him exhibit such incredible unselfishness. It's been a hard road this last year, but I'm starting to truly see in my children the strength they've developed. They are adjusting well. 

For so many reasons, I couldn't be more grateful today.

U2's "Yahweh"

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

Dark Chocolate Dove Speaks.

This is what my wrapper said:

"Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness."

I thought that was a pretty good one.

Be Still My Soul.

It will get easier, this path I'm taking. In the meantime, there is a beautiful song that the Holy Ghost can use to comfort me deeply. I am so grateful for this blessing. It came just at the right time today, when I needed to know that Heavenly Father was aware of me, struggling.

Here are the words:

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Here is David Archuleta singing the song:

A New Day.

It is now 12:00 a.m. on the dot. (I know when I post this, it won't read that way, but it was when I started.) It's really more than that, however. It's the first day in a new ERA in my life. My children are spending the weekend with their father, at his home. We will go on this way the rest of our lives - or at least until they are grown. This is the new "normal". This is what we agreed to in our divorce. It's not what my heart wanted, but I think it was the best solution available to us. I can accept it, and move forward with my life. I will give them my best and a full share of my love for the gospel whenever they are with me. I will pray that they will remember my words and testimony when they are away from me. I will pray that they recognize the presence of the Holy Ghost in my home. I will do my best to make Him, and Our Savior welcome at all times. We need Him to strive with us. I will be faithful. I will be the example that they need.
The thing about these temporal changes is that there are somethings that will NEVER change as long as I remain faithful to my covenants. I know it is probably normal, when a spouse leaves the Church and a Temple Marriage, to feel that it was all for naught. I don't, however, feel that way. I feel supremely blessed to have those promises, to know that no matter what happens here, temporally, MY CHILDREN ARE MINE. It means the world to me to know that my covenants are intact and whole, unbroken and uncompromised. I can imagine that without that, I might feel a much greater despair right now. I might feel completely lost. I feel a little sad, but I am not lost because WE are not lost. The wedding photo still hangs in our hallway, with the temple behind us. It reminds me everyday of the promises I made, and have kept. I love those promises, and cherish the comfort they give me in knowing that far beyond the aches of my temporal heart, forever and forever, these five beautiful souls are bound to me. MY CHILDREN ARE MINE.

Surprise.

I was in Junior High again this morning. I hadn't anticipated being there when all of the kids were milling through the halls but my meeting went longer than I anticipated. As I was exiting the building, with early teens on all sides, I was forced to grapple with something I've not dealt with in a LONG time.
I'm short!
I was even wearing the shoes that by default make me a little taller than I normally am. I was probably about eye level with a lot of the girls. . . but I was grossly outsized by most of the boys. I had this little feeling of panic, which REALLY surprised me. It's not that I felt insecure, or uncomfortable in my own skin - I'm good with those things. I have been at my current height for 27 years, which alone is twice the age of most of the kids in that building. I wasn't intimidated on an adult level. I love where I am as a person right now, even though this morning it meant meeting with the Vice Principal regarding my son's poor behavioral choices. (Another story for another time.)
What I realized is that a long time ago a young girl WAS intimidated by it all, and somewhere inside of me she is still alive and kicking. I had no idea, honestly. I've been in much more demanding social situations over the last 27 years. I spent 18 months as a missionary in a foreign country speaking with people about religion, in their language. I loved it. I enjoy public speaking - really enjoy it. I have never considered my adult self to be insecure, but that little girl is still there. What a surprise.

Lessons in Alma Chapter 38

5 And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

As Much As. . . Even So Much

This is an amazing promise. I have experienced this in my own life. I don't think it means that the Lord will act exactly the way we would like him to. He will deliver us in the way that he sees fit, but we will know that it is through his hand that we were delivered. When the Lord moves mountains for you, you know it.

10 . . . I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things.

11 See that ye are not lifted up unto pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength.

12 Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

I was struggling tonight with the facts of my son’s life, how sad I am that he is still failing courses in school, etc. It is difficult to know how much is the right amount of pressure, and what my part is in helping him to succeed. I was reading in Alma 38 before I went to bed and found these verses. I thought it was very to the point and seemed to meet my needs and answer some of my questions. I was glad for the inspiration. Everything in life can be a struggle - and it goes back a lot to verse 5 - when we trust in the Lord, he will show us the way and deliver us.

Look Look Look at these sweet babies. What a Masterful Creator!

These photos and quotes came to me this morning in an email. I'm not one to forward emails, but I enjoyed these so much I thought I'd post them to my blog so that my friends could see them. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'



If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.



Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.



The best vitamin for making friends..... B1.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice. 

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

Friends are like angels, who lift us to our feet
when our wings have trouble remembering
how to fly.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what you might have been.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right.. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Two cute quotes.

I have a Mac computer. It has a Dashboard. There a widgets that can be added to the Dashboard. One of my favorites is "Today's fortune." These are two fortunes from the last 24 hours. They made me laugh which is the best reason I can think of for sharing them.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

love, n.: When you think of someone on days that begin with a morning.

The Love Song Play List.

I had a request for "the list" - so here it is. Enjoy!

To Love You More Celine Dion Let's Talk About Love
Little Wonders Rob Thomas Meet the Robinsons
Ever the Same Rob Thomas Something to Be
All That I Am Rob Thomas Something to Be
I'm Yours Jason Mraz We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things
Then You Look At Me Celine Dion All The Way... A Decade Of Song
In Your Eyes Peter Gabriel So
Amarantine Enya Amarantine
The Impossible Dream Allison Bryan Keepin' Out of Mischief
Not While I'm Around MoTab Showtime!
Something So Strong Crowded House Recurring Dream
Unchained Melody Cyndi Lauper At Last
Don't Leave Home Dido Life For Rent
Love Me Tender Elvis Presley Elv1s 30 #1 Hits
It Will Be Me Kristin Chenoweth As I Am
I've Got A Crush On You Frank Sinatra Duets
Look After You The Fray How To Save A Life
Broken Wings Mr. Mister The Best of Mr. Mister
Hold My Hand Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View
Never Tear Us Apart INXS Live Baby Live
Your Smiling Face James Taylor Greatest Hits
You've Got A Friend James Taylor Greatest Hits
Something In The Way She Moves James Taylor Greatest Hits
Clarity John Mayer Heavier Things
Back To You John Mayer Room for Squares
You Are Loved Josh Groban Awake
When You Say You Love Me Josh Groban Closer
You Raise Me Up Josh Groban Closer
Un Amore Per Sempre Josh Groban Josh Groban
You And I Michael Bublé It's Time
How Sweet It Is Michael Bublé It's Time
Come to My Garden MoTab Showtime!
Your Call Secondhand Serenade A Twist In My Story
Forever And For Always Shania Twain Up! (Red Disc)
A Thousand Years Sting Brand New Day
I Was Brought To My Senses Sting  Mercury Falling
You Take Me Up The Thompson Twins Greatest Mixes
Even Better Than The Real Thing  U2 Achtung Baby
Beautiful Day U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
Sweetest Thing U2 The Best Of 1980-1990
A Man And A Woman U2 How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
Wild Honey   U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
Walk On U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
All I Want Is You U2 The Best Of 1980-1990
She Loves Me Stephen Duffy Some Kind of Wonderful
True Spandeau Ballet The Wedding Singer Volume 2
You're The Inspiration Chicago Chicago - Greatest Hits
Glory of Love Peter Cetera Solitude / Solitaire
Hero Mariah Carey #1's
Love Machine The Miracles Motown 1's
I Can't Help Myself Four Tops Motown 1's
Ain't No Mountain High Enough Michael McDonald Motown 1's
My Girl The Temptations Motown 1's
Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell Motown 1's
Comin' Home Baby Michael Bublé Call Me Irresponsible
I've Got the World On a String Michael Bublé Call Me Irresponsible
Everything Michael Bublé Call Me Irresponsible
The Best Is Yet to Come Michael Bublé Call Me Irresponsible
My Guy Mary Wells Motown 1's
My Confession Josh Groban Closer
Brand New Day Sting Brand New Day
Ghost Story Sting Brand New Day
Fortress Around Your Heart Sting Fields Of Gold
We'll Be Together Sting Fields Of Gold
Be Still My Beating Heart Sting Fields Of Gold
Fields Of Gold  Sting Fields Of Gold
Whenever I Say Your Name Sting Sacred Love
You're Still You Josh Groban Josh Groban
The Real Thing Gwen Stefani Love. Angel. Music. Baby
The Sweet Escape Gwen Stefani The Sweet Escape
She Is The Fray How To Save A Life Rock
Better Together Jack Johnson In Between Dreams
Angel Jack Johnson Sleep Through the Static
Upside Down Jack Johnson Sing-a-Longs and Lullabies
Glad You're Here Macy Gray Big
What I Gotta Do Macy Gray Big
Nah! Shania Twain Up! (Red Disc)

The Dance.

As I promised, here is the story I have been wanting to tell.

For about a week, I was a little bit obsessed with creating a love song playlist. I didn’t have any really specific purpose in mind, but I wanted to do it, and later I felt I needed to do it. I didn’t understand why - but I knew it was important. The more I worked on it, the more I wanted the songs to reflect my love for my children, although romantic love is still well represented. I looked for songs about strong, healthy, loving relationships. I enjoyed putting it together. I kept hearing songs on the radio that I knew I wanted. For a while that happened every time I listened, and I was able to find the ones I didn't have on iTunes. The majority of the songs I wanted to include, I already owned.  I had it pretty well “finished” on Friday night. I hope that we never loose this playlist. I think that the list will keep expanding over time. E has already made her own suggestions, and I’m sure the others will, too.
We were pretty lazy on Saturday morning. I could tell that the little ones especially needed my time and affection. We read books in bed and snuggled. I had E turn on the love song playlist and we listened to some of the songs over and over. It has been a long time since they have seemed so happy and carefree. I wanted to get some cleaning done that morning, which isn’t easy to do with little people needing you, so I tried to make it as fun as possible. We had more fun than we actually cleaned, but my room ( which was the most important area to me) got picked up. I inserted a song for us to dance to in between each chore, which was fun by itself. Then I thought of giving each child some personal time to dance with me. They were so excited. I was actually a little surprised to see how much they enjoyed it. I am sure that it will be a part of our future. It is a way to give each of the little ones some personal time without leaving the comfort of our home. Just what we all need. Broken Wings by Mister Mister came on, and it was A’s turn. She knew it was her turn and she started to beg me to pick her up and dance with her, so I did. She snuggled up with her head on my shoulder and we danced a sweet slow song.
As we were dancing, I realized that I had been there before, in a dream.

That is not uncommon for me, but this particular realization brought tears to my eyes. I had the dream more than three years ago and had found it quite unsettling. The first thing that happened was that D brought a baby to me, all wrapped up in blankets, and very tiny. We visited with friends for a while, then I went home but D didn’t come with me. He never did return to the house. I saw him with friends and once coming out of a door that seemed to be in a tree. I know it’s odd, but that was the dream. I just knew that he was not with us.
At home, there was a storm, and the wind was howling. I realized, looking around, that my home was very poorly constructed. The walls were just boards nailed to the frame. There were large gaps between some of the boards. Everything literally seemed to be shaking as though it would crumble to pieces at any moment. It was complete chaos. I was running here and there, trying to get things settled down, but it seemed hopeless. At that point, I came into the family room and found a number of people there, including some soldiers. Music was playing. A girl came to me and wanted to dance. She was young, and taller than I was. She was simply dressed, but beautiful. For a moment, I wondered who she was. As the music played and everyone danced, the storm seemed to calm. We had survived. When I woke up, I realized that the girl in my dream was my unborn child, my fifth child, a girl.
As I was dancing with A on that Saturday, the recognition of the significance of that moment flowed over me very forcefully. I understood that we had, indeed, survived the storm. D was gone, and the house had seemed to shake as though our entire existence would be destroyed. Although many things had changed in our lives however, we were still there together just like we had been in my dream; my children and I, loving each other. Even though the dream was unsettling to me at the time, for good reason, the fact that the Lord would give me such a gift was overwhelming. He had prepared me in many ways for the changes which He knew would come into my life over the next few years. It was wonderful just to bask in that feeling of comfort and completion. There is still a great deal left to be accomplished, but I know in whom I have trusted. He has brought me through the greatest of difficulties, and I know that His promises are sure.

"Don't Shove Me."

Harold B. Lee, “‘Don’t Shove Me’,” Ensign, Apr. 1975, 60

I had an experience once that taught me something as a grandfather. It was the night of the June Dance Festival at the University of Utah football stadium, and my daughter’s two oldest children were giving her a “bad time,” as she called it. So I said, “How would you like it if I took your two boys up to the stadium to the dance festival?” She said, “Oh, Daddy, if you’d do that, I’d be so happy.”

I didn’t know what I was getting into, but I took those two boys; one of them was five and the other nearly seven. I didn’t know there was so much difference between a seven-year-old and a five-year-old. The older boy was entranced by that spectacle down on the football field. But that five-year-old, his attention span was pretty short. He’d squirm, and then he’d want to go get a hot dog and he’d want to get a drink and he’d want to go to the toilet, and he was just on the move all the time.

And here I was sitting up front with the General Authorities, and they were smiling at this little show going on as I tried to pull my grandson here and there to make him behave. Finally that little five-year-old turned on me and, with his little doubled-up fist, he smacked me on the side of the face and he said, “Grandfather, don’t shove me!”

And you know, that hurt. In the twilight I thought I could see my brethren chuckling a bit as they saw this going on, and my first impulse was to take him and give him a good spanking. That’s what he deserved. But I’d seen his little mother do something. I’d seen her when he was having a temper tantrum. She had a saying, “You have to love your children when they’re the least lovable.”

So I thought I’d try that out. I had failed in the other process. I took him in my arms and I said to him, “My boy, Grandfather loves you. I so much want you to grow up to be a fine big boy. I just want you to know that I love you.” And his angry little body began to unlimber, and he threw his arms around my neck and he kissed my cheek and he loved me. I had conquered him by love.

President Harold B. Lee
(Sunday School Conference address, October 5, 1973)