Five Years

Five years ago, I wrote this: Where will you be five years from today?

And now, it's been a little longer than five years but I am here to report on my progress.

I graduated from the University of Utah with my BSN in August of 2014. I have been working as a nurse for a year now. My brain now functions in completely new and different realms; I understand the human body and it's functioning. I can watch over vulnerable, fragile life. I can make a difference for them. It has taken that year-plus since graduation to really feel that I understand what I'm doing, but now I DO! I am a nurse.
It is surreal, most days, to look back and realize where I've been and what I've accomplished with a great deal of heavenly and earthly help. What started as a well conceived but not even partially understood goal has gone from seed to flower and is now my life. I am so grateful to have the opportunities that I do, to go where I go for work and do the things I do. What I knew five years ago was that I hadn't stretched quite enough. I hadn't pushed my potential. I knew I wanted more from my life, my brain and my soul. Even better, five years ago, I didn't know any of the hows yet, just that I wanted a Bachelors of Nursing Science. I had begun to consider where I could seek the education I needed but it was another full year before I sorted through the possibilities and applied. Honestly, there was some desperate prayer, some answers and some inspiriation, which led to a few small steps, and then others and finally I was on a road. Six months after starting the applications, I started classes and 27 months of straight schooling after that, I graduated.
Now, finally, I've started to integrate the early parts of me back in. My five year old post was pretty grandiose. Goals in so many areas, that was the answer. These were the areas. I'll take stock of what's happened in them.

Spiritual—My education was a gift to my Spiritual self. As I considered the unknowable depths of the intricacies of the human body, the depth of my reverence for my Creator deepened. I sobbed in Anatomy as I learned about the structure of bones. (Honestly.) I took my first Pharmacology exam 3 days after under-going surgery, and had the highest score in the class... knowing full well that my mind had been quickened far beyond my natural ability. I saw the hand of God in my life time after time and I understood that in walking that road I was doing his will and his work. It was a beautiful time. Now, I feel opportunities daily to reach out in comfort and compassion, and they are the best parts of my day.

Family—My children and I have made a number of transitions and recently moved back into our original home. One has graduated and is working full time in a field he enjoys and the rest are doing well in school, thriving. We've all grown. They are proud of their Mama. I am proud of them. We are stronger, still learning about ourselves and what we are made of. We are enjoying being 'home'.

Career—Nursing has begun in me. There is a lot more I'd like to do, but there is much I can do, already. I found a niche I think, a good place for me, which has allowed me to learn about a broad range of things, quickly. 

Health—I could be much healthier... mostly because I know all the things I'm up against now. This is one area which will need some focused goals if I'm going to be able to keep growing in my career and education areas.

Financial—Oh, ok. Well that just makes me laugh. Let's just call this my opportunity area, shall we? 

Education—See the beginning of the post... But for future goals, I'd like to complete a Doctorate.

Recreation—Goals for recreation. Hmmm. We went Ice Skating? We watched movies, mostly on Netflix or Redbox. Sometimes in theaters. I think photography, sewing and hobbies would fit here... Those have started to sprout again and I'm thrilled to see where some of my ideas are going to take me. It's wonderful to begin to unearth the fun parts of me.

Charitable—I give to local charities and tithe. I have started a Non-Profit Organization to benefit families affected by cancer, and hope to be able to dedicate more time to developing that in the future.

Adventure—For me, adventure lately has been in writing... I have a novel in my head which has been piecing itself together for a while. It's starting to become a more cohesive, understood commodity and I'm getting ready to pour some love and time into it. It's also my therapy.

Travel—We went to a cabin by a lake every year with my parents, sisters and thier families. I went on a carribbean cruise. I took my children on a little trip two summers ago. We need a vacation. I still want to go to the beach. I still want to go back to Jackson.

Romance—The grand failure in the last five years has been romance, for me. Not that I didn't try, just that the romances failed. The most promising wove through about the last three years. We got married last almost exactly a year ago. It seemed to be an amazing fit while we were dating. He loved my children, they loved him, we all loved each other and so after over a year dating we decided to give it a permanent go... What neither of us understood was that he was struggling with emotional demons which would tear us apart. It was at it's core an attachement disorder and the short of it was, he couldn't bond and coudn't trust. He has moved on, we are picking up the pieces now.

Relationships—I have new friends and old friends. I have wonderful neighbors who've made this holiday season unreasonably beautiful for me. Relationships is a lovely garden in my life, one I hope to cultivate with more care and love.

So, this is my report. I'm glad I finally figured out how to log into my blogs again... It might take me all night to catch up with my former self but it will be worth it.

It's Nine a.m.

I need to leave by Eleven. I have work to do for two employers today. I had yesterday off, but it was not relaxing. Emotionally, I haven't begun to sort through it yet and my body it enacting it's own form of violent takover. I feel like I could cry, but I'm pretty sure it's just wicked hormonal cycles rather than deep bubbling "needing to be worked through" feelings. Still like I said, I haven't started to sort through yesterday, yet.
Yesterday really isn't a big deal. I'm taking care of my friend's daughter while he's in Europe with his band. It's only ten days, and honestly I don't really get to see much of him when he's here. We both have very busy lives: lots of obligations and tons of general life issues to sort out, categorize, weigh and ponder. For some reason though, I guess that I am missing him—probably because I KNOW he's really far away. . . OK, fine. I'm really crying now. I guess I did need to work through some feelings. I take it for granted that he's "there"—closeby if I need a hug or a pep talk. I'll have to listen to those feelings more later. I have no idea what on earth to do with them even that there is really anything that I can do with them. Whatever it is, it's okay.
It's ten after Nine, though now, and I've still got time that I need to spend with my children. Precious little more than an hour to love them before I leave for work. When I get home, they'll be with their dad for the rest of the weekend. Monday is the first day of school. I'm going to be over at the school on Monday to take my kindergarten girl for her assessment. I'm grateful for the excuse to be at the school a little bit, to see them and give them hugs. I will have them three days next week and then they'll be back with their Dad for another weekend. . . a weekend which includes my birthday. It's painful. . . I had no idea how much it would hurt to have so little time with them. Days like today, I'd love to just sit quietly and hold them as much as they'd let me. I hate leaving for work when I know that they'll be gone when I get home. It feels wrong.
It is a huge blessing to have my friend's daughter here for two of the three weekends in a row that the kids will be with their dad. It helps him, but it will help me, too. I'm grateful.
It's just a rockin' time of year, this part. It's a time to float, a little bit. Do only the absolutely necessary and allow the rhythm of things to carry me. I'll take it all day by day. Before I know it, mid-September will be upon us and we'll all be headed up to the lake for some quiet happy days together. I'll survive.
It's nine thirty.

Where I want to be. . .

So, I have all these plans and they are great plans. I live in a beautiful place, truly enviable in it's beauty. It's a good place, where I am in my life—and it's where I want to be almost all the time. Today, however, is overcast and quite chilly. Today, I am experiencing a little wanderlust—ok fine, more than a little.
Last year we went to Grand Teton and Yellowstone in August. That was smashing fun! This morning, I was craving a little jaunt to Jackson. I had that "I'd rather be in Jackson" sticker on my virtual forehead. I moved on with my day, thinking about the mountains and meadows and lakes in the Grand Teton area. . . so lovely. My five year old needed some snuggle time, so I left my work and sat with her a while. I was thinking about, and telling her about when I was a child. I spent some of my formative years in San Diego, also a very beautiful place. No sooner had that thought passed through my mind than I was craving a little time at the beach. It's been a long time since I had some time at the beach and she has not been to the beach. . . such a shame! I really do miss the sound of the water and the waves washing up over my feet as I walked along the coast. I enjoy my evening beach memories most. I loved going with friends. The light of the moon reflected on the ocean and the feel of the sand. Ah yes. . . so lovely. . . and I moved on with my day.
I have some plans for a little travel in September—to a fun cabin by a lake. I want to work in some day trips with the kids when we have holiday time this summer. My ten year old really wants to visit her cousins and we've been trying to work that out for a year. I think it's about time we just make the trip, even if I can only get one extra day off work and we only have one full day there—for her, I think it will be worth it.
I suppose it's a good thing that I can't just go anywhere I please at any moment. Commitments and reality are demanding. I think it's important though, to listen to what your heart longs for. You could allow reality never to include pauses for beautiful journeys, but then what would you have to look back on for inspiration and joy on cloudy days? I could say that there just isn't time for a visit to the cousins, but then the memories we might have made won't be able to warm my daughter's heart when she is grown. Good memories are riches, and they are worth the treasure hunting and adventure necessary to make them.

Yoga, Injuries and Life Lessons.

I broke my baby toe about a week and a half ago. I've been protecting it like a mother bear after my children attacked it mercilessly for a few days following the initial injury. Even with the potential pain, I needed some stretching last week. It was surprisingly easy to keep it out of harm's way. Carpets aren't nearly as prone to kicking and crushing broken toes as children are. I was relieved, and the Yoga was very effective and wonderfully soothing.
As I go through my workout, there is a move where you transition from downward facing dog to upward facing dog. Basically, from an "A" shape, feet never moving, through a plank position pushing forward until your torso is facing forward with your arms unbent at your sides. (I'm sure that's really confusing. It was hard for me to figure out how to do physically, let alone describe with words.) As I pushed through the plank position this time, I remembered a time when I had taken a terrible fall down my friend's front concrete steps a few years ago. I caught myself on my hands. I had not broken my wrists, but it took weeks for the muscles to heal to the point where they could bear weight or support anything at all. . . like a skillet I needed to place on a stovetop. It was much longer until I could twist my hands naturally. Now, I caught my breath as I realized that it has been more than I year since I needed to baby my right wrist through that move. I remember wondering if it would ever heal completely. I hardly remember it happening, it's healing, it was so gradual. . . but it has healed.
The next thought I had was of gratitude, that I had this thread of Yoga to remind me of where I've been physically, and show me where I am now. I think there are many threads in our lives, if we will practice consistently, which will serve us the same way. The things we practice, which we love and which make us who we are will serve to mark our path and show us how far we have truly come.

Mark Twain thoughts.

Take out your brain and jump on it—It gets all caked up. —Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens, at age thirty had a dime to his name. He was distraught and alone. He tried to end his life and failed. I think we can all agree that our world would not be the same if he had succeeded. That was twenty years before he wrote Huckleberry Finn.

Near the end of his life, he wrote this:


What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it.
Who was it who said, "Blessed is the man who has found his work"? Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work--not somebody else's work. The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who has found some other man's work and cannot lose it. When we talk about the great workers of the world we really mean the great players of the world. The fellows who groan and sweat under the weary load of toil that they bear never can hope to do anything great. How can they when their souls are in a ferment of revolt against the employment of their hands and brains? The product of slavery, intellectual or physical, can never be great.
- "A Humorist's Confession," The New York Times, 11/26/1905


Find your work, not someone else's work.

Love your life. Celebrate it.

Some Photos and Some Quotes.

Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction. —Al Bernstein

Penicillin, X-rays, rubber, even Silly Putty and Post-It Notes

were all fortuitous by-products of looking for something else.

—Hirsch Goldberg.

Every exit is an entry somewhere else.

Remember that Columbus was looking for India

when he found America.

—Tom Stoppard

In every problem or set back there is the seed of an equivalent

or greater benefit—if you will only stop and look for it.

—Bob Moawad

quotes from the book think big. . . compendium incorporated

Photo Printing.

A while back I got caught up on about 6 years worth of unprinted digital photos. I sent them to Costco and in one fell swoop I was set. I felt that I had truly come a long way in terms of emotional health. I was able to look at photos of the last four years of my marriage without a great deal of pain. I wanted the photos, and I was ready to document the good times of those four years, at the very least. I want my children to have a record of the happy things we've seen together. I want to make a beautiful record of family vacations and the fun things we've done, for them to look back on and enjoy. So, anyway, like I said, I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Until yesterday morning. I went to look for photos of my youngest's first birthday (she just turned five) and you know what? I hadn't printed them. There were about six months that I missed when I was ordering prints. It just happens to be, what a surprise, the most emotionally difficult six months of my life. I love the photos, and I had uploaded them to Costco, I had just not ordered the prints. So yesterday, I did. Among the photos I took during those six months are some of my all time favorites of my children. I can't say why I didn't get them ordered before. I can say that I am really happy to have them now. I'm very very happy. Another little milestone.

I'm Impressed!

It’s amazing what comes out of a small change.

I started a blog last week, for old and current members of the Beja branch. . . It grew out of the conversation I had with some friends last Thursday. From that, and the fact that I got off Facebook this month (the small change). I’ve started blogging again. . . which has in turn sparked my desire to get out and take photos. . . and at THIS moment, I have this amazing sense that I am finally coming around to myself, again. I see the answer to some of the problems I'm facing. All I need to do, is be myself, and do the things I love to do. It is invigorating, and I’m thrilled!


I’ve been having this feeling in different kinds of ways, on and off, for a while. First, I felt it pretty strongly as I was contemplating my career choices, schooling and the general sense of self understanding that I’ve gained in the last year. That was a Hallelujah moment! Also during the last year I had put some things on the back burner—things that were very core to me. I was using Facebook for social and hobby stuff. I was posting my photos and thoughts to Facebook rather than my blogs. It’s not that blogs are “better” per se, just that I feel like they are more where I need to be, I guess. I have some opportunities to touch people through the work I do there. It’s very uplifting work which reaches people all over the world. I'm excited to get back to it!


From that, I made a small goal. One post to each blog weekly. That’s not excessive, at ALL. That’s doable. It will push me to work on craft things and photography so that I have something to post. I’ve been trying to work the motivation out on those for a while now. Now I have it. Wonderful! I wrote that goal down and put it on my computer. Then I thought of some other things I want to do (scripture study, prayer, exercise and vitamins). I made another little note with four things and the number of times each week I’d like to do them. Then, on my desk calendar, I made a small box on Saturday to record hash marks for each item. That’s an easy goal/plan in two sticky notes and a little box. . . easy accountability. Excellent! I need to get to bed now. I hope I can sleep. . . :)

Keep Your Eye on the Prize

There is going to be stream of consciousness thought here. Run now if you hate that kind of thing.

So much in life is unknowable. . . until we know. The future, for instance—until it arrives with the answers we are waiting for, we simply cannot know what it will be. We have hunches, ideas and desires for the future, but we don't know when we will become ill or when there will be accidents. We can prepare for things and work to avoid negative consequences but we don't always see difficulties coming. At times we don't even see them coming when they are as plain and as noisy as a Mack Truck headed for our front door. We look away, we ignore and then we pay the price; we learn, we grow & we find ourselves smiling again in time.

For so long I've been floating, sometimes with an obvious current giving me direction and sometimes with nothing but the feeling that I simply should not panic. . . that floating as a means of survival was doing more than 'fine'. You know they actually teach the survival float in Red Cross water safety training right? Here's something I wrote about this a while back:


I've been teaching my children to float when we go to the pool. It is the first rule of water safety. Panic is your aquatic enemy. You must relax completely and be absolutely still. It occurs to me that in life, as well, thrashing around and panicking in a sea of stress is wasted energy, and possibly even emotionally lethal. We are often told to "Be Still." At times like this, even when there is literally a SEA of stress that seems as if it would swallow me whole, quiet faith calls for that stillness. Experience has taught me to follow my heart, and allow the greater powers of the universe to guide my life.

One of the things I found while I was floating, which I feel is aligned perfectly with this mindset, is this little guide (The Woman's Book of Confidence by Sue Patton Thoele):

Understand and Honor Needs

Have Realistic Expectations

Ask for Help

Abolish Guilt

Here's what I think most of us do, most of the time:

Ignore and Discredit Needs

Nurse Unrealistic Expectations

Insist on Self-Reliance
Hoard Guilt


I think that for the most part, most of this do these things to Ourselves without even a second thought to the emotional impact it has on us:

We pretend that we have no needs. We pretend that we have no desires. We pretend that we are inert objects made for the purpose of loving and protecting children and family. . . and WAIT! It gets even better. . . We actually feel GUILTY about any needs or desires that we have. We DO! Don't we!

We push ourselves to do more with less until we are doing everything with nothing and wonder why we "feel" empty. Hmmm. . . Really?!? Yes! Because we ARE empty.

We judge our weaknesses against the strengths of others, convincing ourselves that we are less-than if we can't achieve the same things they can. . . and they are probably doing the same thing looking at our strengths. . . the mutual self-depreciation society.


We refuse to lean on others, family and friends, ANYONE. . . we tell ourselves that no one will understand, we convince ourselves that we are alone in our struggles. . .which is the actual reason that we ARE alone.


We feel guilty about things like not perfectly following every regimen that will lead to optimal health, for heaven's sake—as if 'good' health wasn't nearly enough. . . or even more ridiculous— we feel guilty for being absolutely NORMAL because that photo-shopped photo on the cover of that Magazine shows a mother of three with more muscle definition than AhNold. 


What's wrong with this picture? A lot. I'm pretty sure that most of us can identify with at least one of these statements. Well, it's time to break free. Wherever that garbage comes from, that's all it is. Garbage. . . and it's high time we take the Garbage OUT!


Ponder the meaning of Understanding and Honoring Needs. This goes far beyond simple selfishness. This is an acknowledgement of our HUMANITY for heaven's sake. We are human. We have needs. We do ourselves a great disservice in pretending that we can go on forever without filling our own reservoir. We need to take time to appreciate and nurture the tender soul within ourselves, not just the souls of those around us.


Accept the Peace of Realistic Expectations. Enough SAID!


Support groups aren't just for therapy. Don't isolate yourself. WE MUST surround ourselves with friends who love us and appreciate us for who we are. WE MUST build a network of people that we can trust with our true selves, who will not judge us, who will give us sound advice and guidance, and who will lend us strength. WE MUST determine who we can count on, and then turn to them when we need them.


LET IT GO! We are not perfect. No one needs to be told that they are not perfect, but everyone needs to be taught to give themselves permission NOT to be perfect. Feeling guilty about not being perfect is the MOST wasted energy in the universe. We need to take things a day at a time. We need to listen to ourselves, take note (in a kindly self-sustaining way) of areas in which we'd like to improve, making no demands. Instead of using guilt as the motivator, we can put that energy into ourselves instead.


The prize? Happiness. Wholeness. Peacefulness. 


Keep your eye on that and take OUT the trash that keeps you from it.

Go Here. Read This.

The Cracked Jar

Where will you be five years from today?

The following is an excerpt from the book, Where will you be five years from today? It is an amazingly inspiring workbook style book published by Compendium Incorporated. (www.live-inspired.com) Turning the pages has been like harrowing the soil of my mind. . . a fantastic experience, and I haven't yet begun the "work". . . I've just been reading. The thing I like best is that I pretty much know what I want from the next five years of my life, and it's called, "Getting a Life" or "I need a BSN". That's big, and I figured it was going to take up all my time. After just one turn through this book, I realize that I need to grow in more than just the educational way. It would be like exercising only one arm. . . I need balance. I need to have goals in the other areas of my life at the same time. What I thought was going to be a tool to focus my goals, has actually turned out to be a tool to open my mind to broader possibilities. I'm really excited about it. I'm thrilled for the next five years.

Follow your dreams, they know the way.

If you don't have a dream,

how can you have a dream come true?

Your imagination is the preview to life's coming attractions.

—Albert Einstein

So, and okay. . .

Here are the areas that the books suggests we make goals:

Spiritual

Family

Career

Health

Financial

Education

Recreation

Charitable

Adventure

Travel

Romance

Relationships

Now with these areas in mind, go back and read those three little things right above them. Set your imagination free. . . and enjoy the little mini-vacation from 'now'.

A little later in the book, I found this:

It's never too late

or too early.

Right now is a good time.

life is now

That's true, isn't it. Life is NOW. We need to live now, and not put off our joys or our growth until it's more convenient. We all fill many roles and wear many hats. We have more responsibilities than we care to talk about openly with others. Our first job, however, is to see to ourselves: our health and sanity. When we are healthy and sane, we have so much more to give to others. When we are inspired, we can inspire those around us. We can lift others best when we are buoyant ourselves. . . So DREAM! I'm giving you permission! Go Ahead. Who do you want to be, at your core? What would you need to do to become her? If you don't know then think about it. If you DO know, then GO GET HER!

If it hadn't happened to me. . .

I probably wouldn't believe it.

This week, I was contemplating what I needed to do to get my house ready to rent. As I was going to bed on Thursday night, I said a little prayer and asked that if there was a family that needed to be in my neighborhood and rent my home, that they would be guided to it. Well, little did I know, but at the same time, there was a man on the other side of town praying to be able to find the right place for his family. He called someone about an ad in the paper for a home for rent. That person knew me, knew my home, and that it was (that very day) becoming available to rent. My friend called me to see whether or not it would be okay for her friend to show my home to the man. . . I, of course said, "YES!" Within 7 hours of that early morning phone call and less than 24 hours from the time I was praying, my home was rented by a family grateful and thrilled to be there. They have signed a year's lease and would like to have the option to extend that lease. I have never in my life had a prayer answered so quickly and directly. Let's just say that sometimes the Lord chooses to do His work in a very dramatic fashion. I mean, really really dramatically.

Does it get any better than that? Alright, you asked so let's just add this. The day before the 'Miracle of the house being rented in one day,' I heard back from people at the University of Utah. It was all very good and unexpected news. I was already flying HIGH. What I learned from the "U" was this: They WILL accept the general education credit from my Bachelor's Degree. . . no matter how long it has been since I completed it. (Unbelievable! Amazing! Heart-stopping!) Two of the classes I took previously will count toward my Nursing Pre-Requisites. That leaves me with just 8 classes to take in two years. . . one of which I am doing through Independent Study right now. That is a full year right off the top of my degree. I can also do all of my pre-reqs at my local community college. Much less expense and travel and that means more time and money to do Other things I need to do.

Better, you ask? Yes, yes. . . it does indeed. It appears, from speaking with my bank, that I will be able to refinance my home. My hope is that I'll be able to do that within the next six months. The most important thing involved here is the value of the home. If the home's value tanks, it won't work. Shall we just think positively? When it works out, I will be able to quit my current job, and work as a CNA in Home Healthcare. I have a job waiting for me, ready to go. I look forward to that. It is an incredibly flexible job, which will make meshing paid work coursework feasible. It will also allow for extended hours of time with my children on a much more common, dare we say—DAILY—occurrence. Of all these blessings, this is the one that I am looking forward to most. The thing I have missed most, upon returning to work, has been time with my children. They need me. They have had excellent care, but children do just need their mommies sometimes. . . and their mommy needs them, too.

So yes, it's true. If it hadn't happened to me in one 48 hour window. . . I probably wouldn't believe it. It did happen, however. I am a believer. I believe.

Trust the Process.

Time is buzzing past me with unearthly speed! I hardly know what to think of it. My head is spinning. That's not a great feeling when you are trying to make sense of your life, sort things out and find a solid direction. I have a fuzzy direction. . . I know what I want to do. I just don't know how to make it possible. I have been given a great deal of very sweet and deeply touching advice recently, however. The two most poignant bits for me were A) to be grateful for what I have and B) NOT worry about what seems to be lacking. (This is SOOOO spot on for me right now it brings me to tears.) That could be considered one bit of advice but for me. . . they are the TWO most important things to consider. They are North on my compass . . . and I need to go North.

I can tell that I'm getting to a good, healthy place. I'm starting to be able to see things for what they are, what is important to me, and what I can let go of. The picture is starting to become clearer, in terms of the questions I need to ask, so that I can make good choices about that direction so that I can get where I need to go. For example, my health is important to me. I want a strong mind and body. I have a great deal of work ahead of me and I know I need to go into that physically strong, and clear-minded. It's time, and I've started. I didn't think I could let go of a job, but I'm thinking about that, now. I'm looking at going back to school full time. I'm looking for scholarships to make not having a job possible—and at admissions for next year. I'm going to get my house rented at my full mortgage so that it can be an asset rather than a drain on me financially. AND, I'm going to work hard THIS year so that I can be as prepared as possible for school. I'll go year round if possible. I want to get the most and best education I can as quickly as possible so that I can provide for my family and stand on my own. It is very important to me.

Those are exhilarating, air clearing thoughts. . . they are the reason that I know I need to look at my blessings and NOT at what is missing. As I said, I know what I need to do, just not how to accomplish it. . . and that is okay. . .and then there is this:

Consider the lillies

how they grow:

they toil not,

they spin not;

and yet I say unto you,

that Soloman in all his glory

was not arrayed

like one of these.

Luke 12:27

And this:

Trust

in the Lord

with all thine heart;

and lean not

unto thine own

understanding.

In all thy ways

acknowledge him,

and he shall direct

thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

And this:

Slow

Down.

Calm

Down.

Don't

Worry.

Don't

Hurry.

Trust the

Process.

Alexandra Stoddard

and one more thing—a really amazing and fantastic book about you and your brain. Obviously a relationship you can't afford to neglect!:

http://store.amenclinics.com/books/making-a-good-brain-great

I think that's probably all I need to say today. I think now, I need to get to work.

Ü

I know how it feels to lose Q. . .

I'm pretty calm, generally. I go through the challenges that greet me without too much fanfare most of the time. Generally, that 'way' of doing things makes getting through said challenges much easier. So, today, I took the kids to Lagoon. (For those not familiar with my area of the country, Lagoon is a local amusement park which has been around more than 100 years. It's the only game in town, and VERY crowded in the summer.) My sister was with me, along with two of her children and T's best friend also came along. I knew that one of the biggest issues I'd have was keeping Q, my seven year old son, close. He's, shall we say, easily distracted. I was 100% correct. We had to stop progress from 'here' to 'there' at least four times during the day because we realized that Quinn was no longer with us. The first couple of times, a little backtracking resolved the problem with relative ease. . . in fact I'm not even sure HE knew that he was lost when we found him. When he is walking he looks EVERYWHERE, except at the people he's walking with. He's intrigued by things and wants to know. I know this though, right? So we just took stock consistently and most of the time we were good.
Now, within Lagoon, there is a Water Park known as 'Lagoon-A-Beach'. Very nice way to escape the horrible heat of the day. It was supposed to hit 100 today, and we were prepared. When that heat came on. . . we went to the water. We weren't the only smarties at the park though - it was near capacity and jammed like no other area. There were walkways in and around the people, but only just barely. We wandered for a bit until we found a fantastic, shady spot where a family was just about to leave behind three lounge chairs. It was Heaven. . . until I realized that Q had NOT made it there with us. I headed out on the hunt. I was stressed, this time. I am largely unfamiliar with the water park there. People everywhere, lounging, walking, busy - no one really worried about lost children. I knew the employees might care though so I asked, and was directed to the first aid area, not too far away. I started to talk to the man inside the room. It took him a moment to understand what I was saying. In the time it took to arouse his interest, and at the point where I was about to describe my son to him, Q walked by outside. Looking at me, Q's little face lit with relief. I excused myself with a quick, "That's him, " and grabbed him around the shoulders as quickly as I could. I asked him if he had been afraid. He said that he had been but that a little whisper told him "Go that way." Thank Heaven I was 'down that way' and not running frantically all over the place. Someone Somewhere knew I'd go with my gut—to look for help— and they told my boy. I get the feeling that helping my son to hear and recognize that voice as his friend could be very important in his life.

Just so you know, that's NOT when I knew how it felt to lose Q.

We had yet another incident of fairly easily rectified dalliance. He was glad to be once again scooped up and saved from himself, but only slightly shaken. . . and I should have known.

We were all ready to go. We had some final treats in hand. The older boys needed to get their tickets validated and headed off in that direction. My middle children followed happily, and I expected to be right on their heels. The last of the treats, however, made a HUGE mess on the counter before I could even pick it up. It got on my keys, and and anything within about 6 inches of it. The young man apologetically helped me to clean it up. When I finally got everything I needed, without the extra-sticky coating, I started to walk to where I knew they'd be waiting. A was the only one who had stayed with me. The sun had set and it was getting very dark. I recognized as I was walking, how different the park was at night. Lower visibility, lights flashing everywhere. Even though we had been there all day, and we had become fairly familiar with things, it was all different now. When I arrived, everyone was relaxing and waiting. . . I took stock. "Where's Q?" Heads darted in every direction. T and his best friend took off immediately. I got the C settled with the girls in a well lit spot near the main crossroads of the park and headed out to look myself. This time, however, I WAS frantic. The thought of Q trying to find his way around in the dark was overwhelming to me. I went to every place that we'd been in the previous 10 minutes. Every place he'd shown obvious interest in. I talked to the employees along the way, describing him. No one had seen him. I saw T running a couple of times along the way as well. My heart was melting. I had looked for him so many times already that day. His little image and my relief at "seeing" it again so many times, was burned on my mind. I knew I needed help. I stopped a Security employee of the park and he was quick to spread the word. I described my son to him. "He is seven years old. He is wearing a Turquoise shirt with white stripes. He has on navy blue shorts. He has dark hair. When he walks, he looks at everything. He doesn't pay much attention to where he's going." The young man asked if I knew where the security office was, and said that I should check there in about 20 minutes. That seemed like SO long.

I was panicking. My heart was breaking wide open, as I contemplated the possibility that those clothes I had 'found' him in time after time today might be the last things I'd ever see him wear. I went once again on the loop that I had made previously, hoping that he'd go back to one of those spots to look for me. It hadn't been nearly the twenty minutes originally estimated, but even so, I KNEW what an eternity without Q would feel like and it was devastating. Finally, without success, I felt I should return to where C and the girls were waiting for me, and I did. As I came around the corner, my hope was that he would be sitting there with them as though nothing had happened. I was not soothed, however. He was not there. I didn't want to upset the other children, and did my best not to show them how worried I was. It was a fairly futile effort however. They knew it was serious.
Then, just as I was about to break into sobs of grief, those tears turned miraculously to joy. A tall young man in a light blue Lagoon polo shirt and khaki pants rounded the corner with his arm draped around the shoulders of a small dark-haired boy. Dressed in a striped turquoise shirt. Wearing navy blue shorts. This time however, that little boy's eyes were riveted to me. He started to cry, as did I. I ran to him and threw my arms around him . . one more time. We cried and cried. It seemed like ages. I looked gratefully at the young man, and thanked him. He commented that my description of him had been absolutely perfect. "It should be," I said. "He's my son."
I'm grateful to know a loving Father in Heaven loves me no less than I love this little child. He loves me, each of us, so much more even that I can imagine. Love is the reason I believe so firmly in God. I know that Someone Somewhere understands.

Pandas

So we are driving home from the park tonight, talking about things that are "real" and "not real". Q was very interested in Werewolves and wondering if I could kill one.
I told him that I didn't believe in them, so they would never bother me.
So then he says "Pandas are real, huh Mom."
I affirmed.
A then says, in delight, "PANDAS ARE REAL?!?"
She was so excited.
That's the kind of thing you don't imagine your child not 'knowing'.
She imagined pandas as one of those amazing magical creatures, like Unicorns.
Something you see in a coloring book, or in a story.
Maybe I've been neglectful.
She obviously needs to have some exposure to videos, at least, of things that I can't show her in person.
I just thought it was so cute.