Seats Seven

It's Nine a.m.

2011-08-26T09:33:00.000-06:00

I need to leave by Eleven. I have work to do for two employers today. I had yesterday off, but it was not relaxing. Emotionally, I haven't begun to sort through it yet and my body it enacting it's own form of violent takover. I feel like I could cry, but I'm pretty sure it's just wicked hormonal cycles rather than deep bubbling "needing to be worked through" feelings. Still like I said, I haven't started to sort through yesterday, yet.
Yesterday really isn't a big deal. I'm taking care of my friend's daughter while he's in Europe with his band. It's only ten days, and honestly I don't really get to see much of him when he's here. We both have very busy lives: lots of obligations and tons of general life issues to sort out, categorize, weigh and ponder. For some reason though, I guess that I am missing him—probably because I KNOW he's really far away. . . OK, fine. I'm really crying now. I guess I did need to work through some feelings. I take it for granted that he's "there"—closeby if I need a hug or a pep talk. I'll have to listen to those feelings more later. I have no idea what on earth to do with them even that there is really anything that I can do with them. Whatever it is, it's okay.
It's ten after Nine, though now, and I've still got time that I need to spend with my children. Precious little more than an hour to love them before I leave for work. When I get home, they'll be with their dad for the rest of the weekend. Monday is the first day of school. I'm going to be over at the school on Monday to take my kindergarten girl for her assessment. I'm grateful for the excuse to be at the school a little bit, to see them and give them hugs. I will have them three days next week and then they'll be back with their Dad for another weekend. . . a weekend which includes my birthday. It's painful. . . I had no idea how much it would hurt to have so little time with them. Days like today, I'd love to just sit quietly and hold them as much as they'd let me. I hate leaving for work when I know that they'll be gone when I get home. It feels wrong.
It is a huge blessing to have my friend's daughter here for two of the three weekends in a row that the kids will be with their dad. It helps him, but it will help me, too. I'm grateful.
It's just a rockin' time of year, this part. It's a time to float, a little bit. Do only the absolutely necessary and allow the rhythm of things to carry me. I'll take it all day by day. Before I know it, mid-September will be upon us and we'll all be headed up to the lake for some quiet happy days together. I'll survive.
It's nine thirty.

Where I want to be. . .

2011-04-07T10:16:00.001-06:00

So, I have all these plans and they are great plans. I live in a beautiful place, truly enviable in it's beauty. It's a good place, where I am in my life—and it's where I want to be almost all the time. Today, however, is overcast and quite chilly. Today, I am experiencing a little wanderlust—ok fine, more than a little.
Last year we went to Grand Teton and Yellowstone in August. That was smashing fun! This morning, I was craving a little jaunt to Jackson. I had that "I'd rather be in Jackson" sticker on my virtual forehead. I moved on with my day, thinking about the mountains and meadows and lakes in the Grand Teton area. . . so lovely. My five year old needed some snuggle time, so I left my work and sat with her a while. I was thinking about, and telling her about when I was a child. I spent some of my formative years in San Diego, also a very beautiful place. No sooner had that thought passed through my mind than I was craving a little time at the beach. It's been a long time since I had some time at the beach and she has not been to the beach. . . such a shame! I really do miss the sound of the water and the waves washing up over my feet as I walked along the coast. I enjoy my evening beach memories most. I loved going with friends. The light of the moon reflected on the ocean and the feel of the sand. Ah yes. . . so lovely. . . and I moved on with my day.
I have some plans for a little travel in September—to a fun cabin by a lake. I want to work in some day trips with the kids when we have holiday time this summer. My ten year old really wants to visit her cousins and we've been trying to work that out for a year. I think it's about time we just make the trip, even if I can only get one extra day off work and we only have one full day there—for her, I think it will be worth it.
I suppose it's a good thing that I can't just go anywhere I please at any moment. Commitments and reality are demanding. I think it's important though, to listen to what your heart longs for. You could allow reality never to include pauses for beautiful journeys, but then what would you have to look back on for inspiration and joy on cloudy days? I could say that there just isn't time for a visit to the cousins, but then the memories we might have made won't be able to warm my daughter's heart when she is grown. Good memories are riches, and they are worth the treasure hunting and adventure necessary to make them.

Yoga, Injuries and Life Lessons.

2011-03-29T23:00:00.000-06:00

I broke my baby toe about a week and a half ago. I've been protecting it like a mother bear after my children attacked it mercilessly for a few days following the initial injury. Even with the potential pain, I needed some stretching last week. It was surprisingly easy to keep it out of harm's way. Carpets aren't nearly as prone to kicking and crushing broken toes as children are. I was relieved, and the Yoga was very effective and wonderfully soothing.
As I go through my workout, there is a move where you transition from downward facing dog to upward facing dog. Basically, from an "A" shape, feet never moving, through a plank position pushing forward until your torso is facing forward with your arms unbent at your sides. (I'm sure that's really confusing. It was hard for me to figure out how to do physically, let alone describe with words.) As I pushed through the plank position this time, I remembered a time when I had taken a terrible fall down my friend's front concrete steps a few years ago. I caught myself on my hands. I had not broken my wrists, but it took weeks for the muscles to heal to the point where they could bear weight or support anything at all. . . like a skillet I needed to place on a stovetop. It was much longer until I could twist my hands naturally. Now, I caught my breath as I realized that it has been more than I year since I needed to baby my right wrist through that move. I remember wondering if it would ever heal completely. I hardly remember it happening, it's healing, it was so gradual. . . but it has healed.
The next thought I had was of gratitude, that I had this thread of Yoga to remind me of where I've been physically, and show me where I am now. I think there are many threads in our lives, if we will practice consistently, which will serve us the same way. The things we practice, which we love and which make us who we are will serve to mark our path and show us how far we have truly come.

Mark Twain thoughts.

2011-03-21T23:04:00.001-06:00

Take out your brain and jump on it—It gets all caked up. —Mark Twain

Samuel Clemens, at age thirty had a dime to his name. He was distraught and alone. He tried to end his life and failed. I think we can all agree that our world would not be the same if he had succeeded. That was twenty years before he wrote Huckleberry Finn.

Near the end of his life, he wrote this:

What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it.
Who was it who said, "Blessed is the man who has found his work"? Whoever it was he had the right idea in his mind. Mark you, he says his work--not somebody else's work. The work that is really a man's own work is play and not work at all. Cursed is the man who has found some other man's work and cannot lose it. When we talk about the great workers of the world we really mean the great players of the world. The fellows who groan and sweat under the weary load of toil that they bear never can hope to do anything great. How can they when their souls are in a ferment of revolt against the employment of their hands and brains? The product of slavery, intellectual or physical, can never be great.
- "A Humorist's Confession," The New York Times, 11/26/1905

Find your work, not someone else's work.

Love your life. Celebrate it.

Some Photos and Some Quotes.

2011-03-15T20:48:00.001-06:00

Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction. —Al Bernstein

Penicillin, X-rays, rubber, even Silly Putty and Post-It Notes

were all fortuitous by-products of looking for something else.

—Hirsch Goldberg.

Every exit is an entry somewhere else.

Remember that Columbus was looking for India

when he found America.

—Tom Stoppard

In every problem or set back there is the seed of an equivalent

or greater benefit—if you will only stop and look for it.

—Bob Moawad

quotes from the book think big. . . compendium incorporated

Photo Printing.

2011-03-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

A while back I got caught up on about 6 years worth of unprinted digital photos. I sent them to Costco and in one fell swoop I was set. I felt that I had truly come a long way in terms of emotional health. I was able to look at photos of the last four years of my marriage without a great deal of pain. I wanted the photos, and I was ready to document the good times of those four years, at the very least. I want my children to have a record of the happy things we've seen together. I want to make a beautiful record of family vacations and the fun things we've done, for them to look back on and enjoy. So, anyway, like I said, I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Until yesterday morning. I went to look for photos of my youngest's first birthday (she just turned five) and you know what? I hadn't printed them. There were about six months that I missed when I was ordering prints. It just happens to be, what a surprise, the most emotionally difficult six months of my life. I love the photos, and I had uploaded them to Costco, I had just not ordered the prints. So yesterday, I did. Among the photos I took during those six months are some of my all time favorites of my children. I can't say why I didn't get them ordered before. I can say that I am really happy to have them now. I'm very very happy. Another little milestone.

I'm Impressed!

2011-02-21T00:08:00.003-07:00

It’s amazing what comes out of a small change.

I started a blog last week, for old and current members of the Beja branch. . . It grew out of the conversation I had with some friends last Thursday. From that, and the fact that I got off Facebook this month (the small change). I’ve started blogging again. . . which has in turn sparked my desire to get out and take photos. . . and at THIS moment, I have this amazing sense that I am finally coming around to myself, again. I see the answer to some of the problems I'm facing. All I need to do, is be myself, and do the things I love to do. It is invigorating, and I’m thrilled!

I’ve been having this feeling in different kinds of ways, on and off, for a while. First, I felt it pretty strongly as I was contemplating my career choices, schooling and the general sense of self understanding that I’ve gained in the last year. That was a Hallelujah moment! Also during the last year I had put some things on the back burner—things that were very core to me. I was using Facebook for social and hobby stuff. I was posting my photos and thoughts to Facebook rather than my blogs. It’s not that blogs are “better” per se, just that I feel like they are more where I need to be, I guess. I have some opportunities to touch people through the work I do there. It’s very uplifting work which reaches people all over the world. I'm excited to get back to it!

From that, I made a small goal. One post to each blog weekly. That’s not excessive, at ALL. That’s doable. It will push me to work on craft things and photography so that I have something to post. I’ve been trying to work the motivation out on those for a while now. Now I have it. Wonderful! I wrote that goal down and put it on my computer. Then I thought of some other things I want to do (scripture study, prayer, exercise and vitamins). I made another little note with four things and the number of times each week I’d like to do them. Then, on my desk calendar, I made a small box on Saturday to record hash marks for each item. That’s an east goal/plan in two sticky notes and a little box. . . easy accountability. Excellent! I need to get to bed now. I hope I can sleep. . . :)

Keep Your Eye on the Prize

2011-02-13T18:34:00.001-07:00

There is going to be stream of consciousness thought here. Run now if you hate that kind of thing.

So much in life is unknowable. . . until we know. The future, for instance—until it arrives with the answers we are waiting for, we simply cannot know what it will be. We have hunches, ideas and desires for the future, but we don't know when we will become ill or when there will be accidents. We can prepare for things and work to avoid negative consequences but we don't always see difficulties coming. At times we don't even see them coming when they are as plain and as noisy as a Mack Truck headed for our front door. We look away, we ignore and then we pay the price; we learn, we grow & we find ourselves smiling again in time.

For so long I've been floating, sometimes with an obvious current giving me direction and sometimes with nothing but the feeling that I simply should not panic. . . that floating as a means of survival was doing more than 'fine'. You know they actually teach the survival float in Red Cross water safety training right? Here's something I wrote about this a while back:

I've been teaching my children to float when we go to the pool. It is the first rule of water safety. Panic is your aquatic enemy. You must relax completely and be absolutely still. It occurs to me that in life, as well, thrashing around and panicking in a sea of stress is wasted energy, and possibly even emotionally lethal. We are often told to "Be Still." At times like this, even when there is literally a SEA of stress that seems as if it would swallow me whole, quiet faith calls for that stillness. Experience has taught me to follow my heart, and allow the greater powers of the universe to guide my life.

One of the things I found while I was floating, which I feel is aligned perfectly with this mindset, is this little guide (The Woman's Book of Confidence by Sue Patton Thoele):

Understand and Honor Needs

Have Realistic Expectations

Ask for Help

Abolish Guilt

Here's what I think most of us do, most of the time:

Ignore and Discredit Needs

Nurse Unrealistic Expectations

Insist on Self-Reliance
Hoard Guilt

I think that for the most part, most of this do these things to Ourselves without even a second thought to the emotional impact it has on us:

We pretend that we have no needs. We pretend that we have no desires. We pretend that we are inert objects made for the purpose of loving and protecting children and family. . . and WAIT! It gets even better. . . We actually feel GUILTY about any needs or desires that we have. We DO! Don't we!

We push ourselves to do more with less until we are doing everything with nothing and wonder why we "feel" empty. Hmmm. . . Really?!? Yes! Because we ARE empty.

We judge our weaknesses against the strengths of others, convincing ourselves that we are less-than if we can't achieve the same things they can. . . and they are probably doing the same thing looking at our strengths. . . the mutual self-depreciation society.

We refuse to lean on others, family and friends, ANYONE. . . we tell ourselves that no one will understand, we convince ourselves that we are alone in our struggles. . .which is the actual reason that we ARE alone.

We feel guilty about things like not perfectly following every regimen that will lead to optimal health, for heaven's sake—as if 'good' health wasn't nearly enough. . . or even more ridiculous— we feel guilty for being absolutely NORMAL because that photo-shopped photo on the cover of that Magazine shows a mother of three with more muscle definition than AhNold.

What's wrong with this picture? A lot. I'm pretty sure that most of us can identify with at least one of these statements. Well, it's time to break free. Wherever that garbage comes from, that's all it is. Garbage. . . and it's high time we take the Garbage OUT!

Ponder the meaning of Understanding and Honoring Needs. This goes far beyond simple selfishness. This is an acknowledgement of our HUMANITY for heaven's sake. We are human. We have needs. We do ourselves a great disservice in pretending that we can go on forever without filling our own reservoir. We need to take time to appreciate and nurture the tender soul within ourselves, not just the souls of those around us.

Accept the Peace of Realistic Expectations. Enough SAID!

Support groups aren't just for therapy. Don't isolate yourself. WE MUST surround ourselves with friends who love us and appreciate us for who we are. WE MUST build a network of people that we can trust with our true selves, who will not judge us, who will give us sound advice and guidance, and who will lend us strength. WE MUST determine who we can count on, and then turn to them when we need them.

LET IT GO! We are not perfect. No one needs to be told that they are not perfect, but everyone needs to be taught to give themselves permission NOT to be perfect. Feeling guilty about not being perfect is the MOST wasted energy in the universe. We need to take things a day at a time. We need to listen to ourselves, take note (in a kindly self-sustaining way) of areas in which we'd like to improve, making no demands. Instead of using guilt as the motivator, we can put that energy into ourselves instead.

The prize? Happiness. Wholeness. Peacefulness.

Keep your eye on that and take OUT the trash that keeps you from it.

Go Here. Read This.

2011-01-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

The Cracked Jar

Where will you be five years from today?

2010-10-21T22:53:00.002-06:00

The following is an excerpt from the book, Where will you be five years from today? It is an amazingly inspiring workbook style book published by Compendium Incorporated. (www.live-inspired.com) Turning the pages has been like harrowing the soil of my mind. . . a fantastic experience, and I haven't yet begun the "work". . . I've just been reading. The thing I like best is that I pretty much know what I want from the next five years of my life, and it's called, "Getting a Life" or "I need a BSN". That's big, and I figured it was going to take up all my time. After just one turn through this book, I realize that I need to grow in more than just the educational way. It would be like exercising only one arm. . . I need balance. I need to have goals in the other areas of my life at the same time. What I thought was going to be a tool to focus my goals, has actually turned out to be a tool to open my mind to broader possibilities. I'm really excited about it. I'm thrilled for the next five years.

Follow your dreams, they know the way.

If you don't have a dream,

how can you have a dream come true?

Your imagination is the preview to life's coming attractions.

—Albert Einstein

So, and okay. . .

Here are the areas that the books suggests we make goals:

Spiritual

Family

Career

Health

Financial

Education

Recreation

Charitable

Adventure

Travel

Romance

Relationships

Now with these areas in mind, go back and read those three little things right above them. Set your imagination free. . . and enjoy the little mini-vacation from 'now'.

A little later in the book, I found this:

It's never too late

or too early.

Right now is a good time.

life is now

That's true, isn't it. Life is NOW. We need to live now, and not put off our joys or our growth until it's more convenient. We all fill many roles and wear many hats. We have more responsibilities than we care to talk about openly with others. Our first job, however, is to see to ourselves: our health and sanity. When we are healthy and sane, we have so much more to give to others. When we are inspired, we can inspire those around us. We can lift others best when we are buoyant ourselves. . . So DREAM! I'm giving you permission! Go Ahead. Who do you want to be, at your core? What would you need to do to become her? If you don't know then think about it. If you DO know, then GO GET HER!

If it hadn't happened to me. . .

2010-10-10T21:09:00.005-06:00

I probably wouldn't believe it.

This week, I was contemplating what I needed to do to get my house ready to rent. As I was going to bed on Thursday night, I said a little prayer and asked that if there was a family that needed to be in my neighborhood and rent my home, that they would be guided to it. Well, little did I know, but at the same time, there was a man on the other side of town praying to be able to find the right place for his family. He called someone about an ad in the paper for a home for rent. That person knew me, knew my home, and that it was (that very day) becoming available to rent. My friend called me to see whether or not it would be okay for her friend to show my home to the man. . . I, of course said, "YES!" Within 7 hours of that early morning phone call and less than 24 hours from the time I was praying, my home was rented by a family grateful and thrilled to be there. They have signed a year's lease and would like to have the option to extend that lease. I have never in my life had a prayer answered so quickly and directly. Let's just say that sometimes the Lord chooses to do His work in a very dramatic fashion. I mean, really really dramatically.

Does it get any better than that? Alright, you asked so let's just add this. The day before the 'Miracle of the house being rented in one day,' I heard back from people at the University of Utah. It was all very good and unexpected news. I was already flying HIGH. What I learned from the "U" was this: They WILL accept the general education credit from my Bachelor's Degree. . . no matter how long it has been since I completed it. (Unbelievable! Amazing! Heart-stopping!) Two of the classes I took previously will count toward my Nursing Pre-Requisites. That leaves me with just 8 classes to take in two years. . . one of which I am doing through Independent Study right now. That is a full year right off the top of my degree. I can also do all of my pre-reqs at my local community college. Much less expense and travel and that means more time and money to do Other things I need to do.

Better, you ask? Yes, yes. . . it does indeed. It appears, from speaking with my bank, that I will be able to refinance my home. My hope is that I'll be able to do that within the next six months. The most important thing involved here is the value of the home. If the home's value tanks, it won't work. Shall we just think positively? When it works out, I will be able to quit my current job, and work as a CNA in Home Healthcare. I have a job waiting for me, ready to go. I look forward to that. It is an incredibly flexible job, which will make meshing paid work coursework feasible. It will also allow for extended hours of time with my children on a much more common, dare we say—DAILY—occurrence. Of all these blessings, this is the one that I am looking forward to most. The thing I have missed most, upon returning to work, has been time with my children. They need me. They have had excellent care, but children do just need their mommies sometimes. . . and their mommy needs them, too.

So yes, it's true. If it hadn't happened to me in one 48 hour window. . . I probably wouldn't believe it. It did happen, however. I am a believer. I believe.

Trust the Process.

2010-10-04T09:13:00.004-06:00

Time is buzzing past me with unearthly speed! I hardly know what to think of it. My head is spinning. That's not a great feeling when you are trying to make sense of your life, sort things out and find a solid direction. I have a fuzzy direction. . . I know what I want to do. I just don't know how to make it possible. I have been given a great deal of very sweet and deeply touching advice recently, however. The two most poignant bits for me were A) to be grateful for what I have and B) NOT worry about what seems to be lacking. (This is SOOOO spot on for me right now it brings me to tears.) That could be considered one bit of advice but for me. . . they are the TWO most important things to consider. They are North on my compass . . . and I need to go North.

I can tell that I'm getting to a good, healthy place. I'm starting to be able to see things for what they are, what is important to me, and what I can let go of. The picture is starting to become clearer, in terms of the questions I need to ask, so that I can make good choices about that direction so that I can get where I need to go. For example, my health is important to me. I want a strong mind and body. I have a great deal of work ahead of me and I know I need to go into that physically strong, and clear-minded. It's time, and I've started. I didn't think I could let go of a job, but I'm thinking about that, now. I'm looking at going back to school full time. I'm looking for scholarships to make not having a job possible—and at admissions for next year. I'm going to get my house rented at my full mortgage so that it can be an asset rather than a drain on me financially. AND, I'm going to work hard THIS year so that I can be as prepared as possible for school. I'll go year round if possible. I want to get the most and best education I can as quickly as possible so that I can provide for my family and stand on my own. It is very important to me.

Those are exhilarating, air clearing thoughts. . . they are the reason that I know I need to look at my blessings and NOT at what is missing. As I said, I know what I need to do, just not how to accomplish it. . . and that is okay. . .and then there is this:

Consider the lillies

how they grow:

they toil not,

they spin not;

and yet I say unto you,

that Soloman in all his glory

was not arrayed

like one of these.

Luke 12:27

And this:

Trust

in the Lord

with all thine heart;

and lean not

unto thine own

understanding.

In all thy ways

acknowledge him,

and he shall direct

thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

And this:

Slow
Down.
Calm
Down.
Don't
Worry.
Don't
Hurry.
Trust the
Process.

Alexandra Stoddard

and one more thing—a really amazing and fantastic book about you and your brain. Obviously a relationship you can't afford to neglect!:
http://store.amenclinics.com/books/making-a-good-brain-great

I think that's probably all I need to say today. I think now, I need to get to work.

I know how it feels to lose Q. . .

2010-07-17T01:50:00.001-06:00

I'm pretty calm, generally. I go through the challenges that greet me without too much fanfare most of the time. Generally, that 'way' of doing things makes getting through said challenges much easier. So, today, I took the kids to Lagoon. (For those not familiar with my area of the country, Lagoon is a local amusement park which has been around more than 100 years. It's the only game in town, and VERY crowded in the summer.) My sister was with me, along with two of her children and T's best friend also came along. I knew that one of the biggest issues I'd have was keeping Q, my seven year old son, close. He's, shall we say, easily distracted. I was 100% correct. We had to stop progress from 'here' to 'there' at least four times during the day because we realized that Quinn was no longer with us. The first couple of times, a little backtracking resolved the problem with relative ease. . . in fact I'm not even sure HE knew that he was lost when we found him. When he is walking he looks EVERYWHERE, except at the people he's walking with. He's intrigued by things and wants to know. I know this though, right? So we just took stock consistently and most of the time we were good.
Now, within Lagoon, there is a Water Park known as 'Lagoon-A-Beach'. Very nice way to escape the horrible heat of the day. It was supposed to hit 100 today, and we were prepared. When that heat came on. . . we went to the water. We weren't the only smarties at the park though - it was near capacity and jammed like no other area. There were walkways in and around the people, but only just barely. We wandered for a bit until we found a fantastic, shady spot where a family was just about to leave behind three lounge chairs. It was Heaven. . . until I realized that Q had NOT made it there with us. I headed out on the hunt. I was stressed, this time. I am largely unfamiliar with the water park there. People everywhere, lounging, walking, busy - no one really worried about lost children. I knew the employees might care though so I asked, and was directed to the first aid area, not too far away. I started to talk to the man inside the room. It took him a moment to understand what I was saying. In the time it took to arouse his interest, and at the point where I was about to describe my son to him, Q walked by outside. Looking at me, Q's little face lit with relief. I excused myself with a quick, "That's him, " and grabbed him around the shoulders as quickly as I could. I asked him if he had been afraid. He said that he had been but that a little whisper told him "Go that way." Thank Heaven I was 'down that way' and not running frantically all over the place. Someone Somewhere knew I'd go with my gut—to look for help— and they told my boy. I get the feeling that helping my son to hear and recognize that voice as his friend could be very important in his life.

Just so you know, that's NOT when I knew how it felt to lose Q.

We had yet another incident of fairly easily rectified dalliance. He was glad to be once again scooped up and saved from himself, but only slightly shaken. . . and I should have known.

We were all ready to go. We had some final treats in hand. The older boys needed to get their tickets validated and headed off in that direction. My middle children followed happily, and I expected to be right on their heels. The last of the treats, however, made a HUGE mess on the counter before I could even pick it up. It got on my keys, and and anything within about 6 inches of it. The young man apologetically helped me to clean it up. When I finally got everything I needed, without the extra-sticky coating, I started to walk to where I knew they'd be waiting. A was the only one who had stayed with me. The sun had set and it was getting very dark. I recognized as I was walking, how different the park was at night. Lower visibility, lights flashing everywhere. Even though we had been there all day, and we had become fairly familiar with things, it was all different now. When I arrived, everyone was relaxing and waiting. . . I took stock. "Where's Q?" Heads darted in every direction. T and his best friend took off immediately. I got the C settled with the girls in a well lit spot near the main crossroads of the park and headed out to look myself. This time, however, I WAS frantic. The thought of Q trying to find his way around in the dark was overwhelming to me. I went to every place that we'd been in the previous 10 minutes. Every place he'd shown obvious interest in. I talked to the employees along the way, describing him. No one had seen him. I saw T running a couple of times along the way as well. My heart was melting. I had looked for him so many times already that day. His little image and my relief at "seeing" it again so many times, was burned on my mind. I knew I needed help. I stopped a Security employee of the park and he was quick to spread the word. I described my son to him. "He is seven years old. He is wearing a Turquoise shirt with white stripes. He has on navy blue shorts. He has dark hair. When he walks, he looks at everything. He doesn't pay much attention to where he's going." The young man asked if I knew where the security office was, and said that I should check there in about 20 minutes. That seemed like SO long.

I was panicking. My heart was breaking wide open, as I contemplated the possibility that those clothes I had 'found' him in time after time today might be the last things I'd ever see him wear. I went once again on the loop that I had made previously, hoping that he'd go back to one of those spots to look for me. It hadn't been nearly the twenty minutes originally estimated, but even so, I KNEW what an eternity without Q would feel like and it was devastating. Finally, without success, I felt I should return to where C and the girls were waiting for me, and I did. As I came around the corner, my hope was that he would be sitting there with them as though nothing had happened. I was not soothed, however. He was not there. I didn't want to upset the other children, and did my best not to show them how worried I was. It was a fairly futile effort however. They knew it was serious.
Then, just as I was about to break into sobs of grief, those tears turned miraculously to joy. A tall young man in a light blue Lagoon polo shirt and khaki pants rounded the corner with his arm draped around the shoulders of a small dark-haired boy. Dressed in a striped turquoise shirt. Wearing navy blue shorts. This time however, that little boy's eyes were riveted to me. He started to cry, as did I. I ran to him and threw my arms around him . . one more time. We cried and cried. It seemed like ages. I looked gratefully at the young man, and thanked him. He commented that my description of him had been absolutely perfect. "It should be," I said. "He's my son."
I'm grateful to know a loving Father in Heaven loves me no less than I love this little child. He loves me, each of us, so much more even that I can imagine. Love is the reason I believe so firmly in God. I know that Someone Somewhere understands.

Pandas

2010-05-24T22:06:00.001-06:00

So we are driving home from the park tonight, talking about things that are "real" and "not real". Q was very interested in Werewolves and wondering if I could kill one.
I told him that I didn't believe in them, so they would never bother me.
So then he says "Pandas are real, huh Mom."
I affirmed.
A then says, in delight, "PANDAS ARE REAL?!?"
She was so excited.
That's the kind of thing you don't imagine your child not 'knowing'.
She imagined pandas as one of those amazing magical creatures, like Unicorns.
Something you see in a coloring book, or in a story.
Maybe I've been neglectful.
She obviously needs to have some exposure to videos, at least, of things that I can't show her in person.
I just thought it was so cute.

The Lord Bless You and Keep You

2010-05-17T11:57:00.002-06:00

This piece by John Rutter has long been one of my favorite choral pieces.

The lyrics are taken from the bible, Numbers 6:22-27

They are a beautiful blessing.

The Lord bless you and keep you, The Lord lift His countenance upon you, And give you peace, and give you peace, The Lord make His face to shine upon you, And be gracious unto you, be gracious, The Lord be gracious, gracious unto you. Amen.

Longing

2010-04-09T10:14:00.004-06:00

I went back in my journals to March 2008, and found this gem. It couldn't be more true today.

I'm so grateful to have kept good journals. Most surprising to me? I had NOT already posted this in my blog! Really? So, here you go. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Life is full of longing. I’ve heard so many people say this in different ways. Leaning to live in the moment, I think, is much more than just eschewing consequences. We want things to happen quickly. We don’t want some things to happen at all. If we have to endure those things, we can’t just wait until they are “over.” I don’t think that it’s ever really over. I think that no matter what is happening in life, we could be wishing that there was some magic pill that could instantly transport us to an easier place, where life will fall into it’s “correct” rhythm and THEN we would be happy. If we could just get such and such accomplished, we would be satisfied. Whether we realize it or not, most of us quickly pass by almost without acknowledging those things when they DO happen. We find some other reason not to be happy. That is the longing I’m talking about.

I hope that I am able to make the very most out of those threshold moments in my life as the years ahead pass by. I want to be happy now, and not wait until some big event comes along. I think that, in not putting off my happiness, I will be able to truly savor and cherish the good things to come. I don’t want to rush through anything just to get to the next thing. I know that there are going to be so many challenges. I want to take each day with courage and live deliberately. I think it’s really the only way to live. I think that living any other way isn’t really living, it's actually putting off living your life until some future time which you will never allow to come. I don’t want that. I want to be alive, now. I want to live my life with purpose and do things for good reasons. I want to be able to look back and say, “I learned this.” or “I’m different now because. . .” and build each day on the choices of yesterday, and do it happily.

The State of my Affairs.

2010-03-28T19:51:00.002-06:00

I feel like I'm starting to gel, in terms of where I am and what I hope to accomplish in the next couple of years. It's a nice feeling considering that I've been in such a state of flux for so long. I now have a plan for the next 20 months, which at the end would see me with an LPN. This will allow me to function as a nurse while I work on the RN, at the same school. I feel like its a really good plan, which fits best with my current life situation. Before I can start the program I have to finish 4 Independent Study courses: Human Anatomy, Human Physiology and two math. That's going to be a huge challenge, but I feel like I'm up for it. Ready at least. Everything is harder when you get into it. I'm going to have two classes at a time, plus work and kids. I hope that I can absorb the way that I need to. I hope that I can get it all done. I think that I can.

At work, I'm about to change positions and take on a management role. I feel ready. My confidence at work has grown a lot, and I understand the way the systems work. I feel like this experience will be invaluable in terms of developing leadership skills in working with people, both customers and co-workers. (A lot of times, those people are unhappy and stress always comes with that—however—I feel ready for that, too.) It's a little scary to think that when I'm in the store with just myself and another co-worker, I'll be the one responsible for everything that happens there. On the other hand, I know that I can do the job, so . . . off we go.

And all the while, trying to stay on top of and maintain the tender emotional balance of my children? Ah. . . . This is single motherhood. On the other hand, none of this would be happening at all if it weren't for my amazing parents and the love and support we have here in their home. The kids are really thriving, and that is an incredible blessing.

Life is Good.

Black Bean Pineapple Enchiladas

2010-03-28T19:37:00.000-06:00

Three Boneless Skinless Chicken Breasts
One large Sweet Pepper (any color will be equally delicious)
One 20 oz can Pineapple (crushed or tidbits)
One 14 oz can Black Beans
One package Flour Tortillas
One can Cream of Chicken Soup
One small container Sour Cream (non-fat is fine)
Favorite cheese to grate over the top

Filling:
In a large skillet or sauce pan:
In Olive Oil, Brown three chicken breasts over medium heat. Dice and add back to the pan.
Add to the pan:
Diced Pepper
Drained Black Beans
Drained Pineapple. (Drink the juice. . .yum.)
Simmer until Chicken is cooked through.

Topping:
Mix together can of cream of chicken soup and desired amount of sour cream until smooth.

In a large rectangular glass pan, fill and roll tortillas. Place side by side until pan is full. Spread topping over the enchiladas, and top with a thin layer of your favorite cheese. Cover with Tin foil and Bake at 375 for half an hour, or until completely warmed.

Children often want seconds. Ü

This recipe is equally successful with canned chicken breast or freshly cooked chicken. If you would like to use canned, use two 12 oz cans.

Sweet!

2010-03-15T23:33:00.003-06:00

You know? Every once in a while things are going to work out EXACTLY the way you hope they will. The feeling I have right now is BLISS, and it's just because I figured out what to do about the computer problem, gathered up everything I'd need and it worked out perfectly. Everything functions exactly as I hoped: actually even better. How do you beat that? It's just a computer, but it makes a big difference because I USE my computer daily. I was patient with the old one because I appreciated having it. Now, this one? Wow. I couldn't have dreamed I'd have it so good! But, I do - and it's sweet! SWEET SWEET SWEET!

It's easy to see why I feel so loved.

2010-03-07T20:38:00.002-07:00

My sisters are going to love this post, and understand it more than anyone else. It is their legacy, as well. I am sure it will touch them, as these experiences have touched me.
As a child, I knew my parents loved me. I knew that they would always be there for me. When I was hurt, my mother's voice was the one I wanted to comfort me. It always did, and it still does. When I needed help, I knew that my father would be there and would have the answers I needed. He often has answers for me, now as well. As a child, however, I couldn't understand what that love was like from their point of view. Now as a mother of five, living again in their home, I have been privy to some of the most precious sights of my life. I have, as a mother myself, watched my parents with all of their grandchildren, and I recognized immediately the love in their eyes and voices. In many ways, and some of the best ways, it is like being a child again.
The other day, I was sitting on the sofa in the family room and I heard my father talking to my 8 month old niece who was sitting on the table in her carseat. I glanced over and was immediately overwhelmed by the most penetrating feeling of love. The look on my father's face was one of complete devotion and adoration. I remembered my father telling me about when I was an infant. He would take me from my mother's arms in the morning and I would sit in a baby seat at the kitchen table while he did homework. I know that a mind can't remember experiences from such an early age but my heart recognized that devotion. I knew that I had once been the recipient of those adoring looks. I knew why I have always felt so precious and so loved.
My mother has given an enormous amount of care to her grandchildren in the last few years, and how lucky those children are. Watching her is inspiring to me. She is ever patient and incredibly loving. People talk about how great grandchildren are. . . and my mother is no exception. She loves those babies. Here's the thing though, I remember being loved by her to that same tender degree. She was exceptional an exceptional Mother. There are quite a few very tiny grandchildren in the family right now, and they have all had ample opportunity to spend time with her. She feeds, burps, diapers and puts them down for naps, cuddles and coos and cherishes them. She is an exceptional Grandmother. As I see her, I am reminded that I too was once her baby, so precious and important to her. I still feel her love today, though I am grown. I know she loves me. There is no substitute for a loving mother. I have been so very blessed.
There may not be anyone in this world more blessed than I am. It is a legacy that I can emulate with confidence and without reservation. I hope that my children will be able to look back someday and see that same love in their own lives. I hope that they will know that they were loved and feel capable of passing that love to their own beautiful children.

These Days

2010-02-28T22:50:00.004-07:00

Life has been so crazy and packed lately, I hardly know when I'm coming or going, but I know I've been blessed. (And Thank Heaven at least I know that, right?)

I had a dream last week in which I was panicking about not having done my math homework. When I woke up, I realized that I wasn't enrolled in a math class at the moment. Boy was I glad not to be enrolled, and behind, in a math class. . . but it got me thinking. I need to get into quite a few classes, and I need to get moving with a nursing program if I hope to be working as a nurse anytime soon. I did very well in my CNA course, and loved it. It's like I finally realized what cloth I'm made of, and what it should be made INTO! Took me long enough, but then, I could have missed it altogether. That is one of the blessings of my divorce. It forced me out of a comfort zone and into a place where I had to make choices and changes. As I have embraced that, I have learned so much about myself. . . many of those things I would never have guessed, but they will forever enrich my life.

As I contemplated the need for a nursing program, as often is the case, a friend popped in and made a suggestion. I followed up on it, and was intrigued. It was the best fit so far with what I have already done, and what I would need to do (in terms of a time frame) to get into a nursing career. I'm quite excited about what I have learned to this point, and I think tomorrow I'll sign up for an independent study math course. For the program I'm considering, I only need to have an Intermediate Algebra course within the last year to start, rather than College Algebra. Let's face it, the days when I could whip Calculus questions are long behind me (like more than 20 years)! I have a great deal of backing up and refreshing to do where math is concerned. I can do that course, and then more easily move on the the College Algebra when I've completed it. So. . . very soon, I may have some math homework to do, but I think it will be a much more natural progression. It feels great! Just having the bare bones of a plan feels wonderfully great, but starting to fill in some of the blanks and answer some of the questions feels even better.

So yes, life is crazy and packed, but it is good. . . and moving forward.

Fashion

2010-02-22T21:11:00.003-07:00

Friends, I have seen "Spring's Top 5" on Nordstrom.com. I am afraid. I am very afraid. I'm up for a blue bag. The caged shoes I can do without. (Seriously.) Patterned skirts . . . WITH patterned TOPS?!

Oh well. I guess this is the point at which I say, I am most decidedly UN-hip. Thankfully, I think I'll always be acceptable in the "classics". . . and plaid is in. I can do the plaid thing! There may be some hope for me after all!

Swimming

2010-02-04T21:14:00.002-07:00

I've got a little boy - well three little boys and two little girls to be exact, but tonight I'm mostly concerned with Q, my six year old son. His emotions swing in incredible ways, and baffle the adults charged to care for him. We cannot predict who we'll meet in the morning, a bright eyed loving first grader, or the one who will under no circumstances be tamed. This morning was an uncooperative morning. He didn't want to go to school, and there was no way we were going to talk him into it. Coaxing gently us generally the best method, and I am referring to a lot of tender loving care, not just a soft voice. In an hour, I had managed to move him to the idea of dressing, but I was exhausted emotionally. Mental and Emotional Gymnastics at their most strenuous, at least to me. I love him, dearly though - even in his crazy moments he is an amazingly loving person. He didn't want to go to school because he wanted to stay with me. He had missed me while I had been working. He just wanted to stay with Mama. When I get serious with him, he tries to act like he's afraid, but I know I'm not THAT serious. I didn't yell at him, but I was firm. He did get dressed, because I dressed him. We made it to school finally and once there, he hoped out of the care and went on his way, waving goodbye as though the previous hour was nothing. It leaves me a bit lost however, wondering how to focus his emotion in positive ways.

So, today after school, all five of the kids and I went swimming, and I remembered something important that I had forgotten. (Silly ME!) That child hit the water and immediately started to freestyle: Full Bore, as hard as he could, crossing the pool with relative ease. He jumped up on the other side with a big smile - and of course I was smiling right back at him. The boy is a FISH - let me say that one more time - F. I. S. H.

It was as though someone had put my head inside the Liberty Bell and started to hammer on it for all they were worth. Swimming Lessons. The boy needs swimming lessons. Soon. As often as and for as long as possible. He needs something to focus on, wipe him out, and LOVE. It reminded me that at about his age, I too had been let loose in a pool and adored every single second. I could feel his exhilaration. Everyone needs something to identify with and love, and feel very hopeful that this could be something that will bring him joy through his entire life, as it has for me.

Magic Wand

2010-01-04T21:10:00.002-07:00

What would I do with it? Wave it at the children who are desperately trying to ignore bedtime.

Why Do we go to Chruch?

2009-11-17T12:01:00.002-07:00

Moroni 6: 5-6

5 And the ^achurch did meet together ^boft, to ^cfast and to pray, and to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls.

6 And they did ^ameet together oft to partake of bread and wine, in ^bremembrance of the Lord Jesus.

How long have I been reading the Book of Mormon and honestly, this is the first time I've seen this scripture - Yes we go to fast and pray together, and to take the Sacrament. But we also go "to speak one with another concerning the welfare of our souls." How wonderful is that? That is exactly what happens in LDS meetings - we don't just sit and listen to a lecture and go home. Sunday School and Auxiliary Meetings provide opportunities for us to share with each other, to be sounding boards, to say to one another "You're being to hard on yourself", or "It's going to be okay." I just love the scriptures, and how they say new things every time I read them.

I feel really great today.

2009-11-07T10:09:00.000-07:00

How are you?

Really. I want to know.

On Raising Children

2009-11-01T10:18:00.001-07:00

Two years ago, I was at a crossroads in my life. I was at the end of a beloved phase of my life, that of being at home full-time with my children. With my divorce came the necessity of working away from my home, and thankfully, my parents have been able to care for my children when I'm away. This morning I was opening my journal to write a bit about the week and opened an old journal instead, accidently. This is what I read.

I found a quote the other day on Ali Edwards' blog that seems to say what I'm can't.
Dawna Markova : I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

Why waste a day worrying when there is so much that can be done to improve it? We have rules, and I reiterate the rules. I know that they are going to test the rules. It is the nature of curious children to test the rules. I try not to worry about messes that the kids will make either, because I know that the messes are going to happen. Sometimes BIG ones. Sometimes sticky ones. Often while in the process of breaking rules. There is almost no limit to the amount of imagination a child can transpose into mess form. Clean, happens - its true - but you can always be quite sure that mess is not far behind. Why worry?

I try to keep them safe. It's hard to improve on whole, healthy, intact bodies. I teach them not to fight, because angry voices destroy the peace we want in our home. Often enough, however, even these basic functions of motherhood find themselves thwarted. Sometimes, there is blood. Sometimes we need a stitch or two. Sometimes all you can hear is angry voices. This is the reason that some people have nannies. I take time when I need it, to talk to friends or relax. I do have to suffer through the craziness, but I'm also the one that gets all the good stuff. I watch it all happen, all day long, every day. No one can tell me that missing out on Q's tirades would be worth it. When I hear from those same little lips, a very sweet little voice saying, "I love you so much, Mommy. You're the best!" I know simultaneously what that voice is capable of and it melts me into a lump. You have to taste the bitter to know the sweet. You have to know the mess to appreciate the clean. You have to hear a lot of noise to truly savor a quiet moment.

Baby Sister's Wedding

2009-09-26T12:20:00.002-06:00

Mom is still cleaning, the arbor is set up on the deck, Dad is cutting stakes for yard signs directing traffic to a church parking lot a block away. The bride and Sister #5 are getting their hair done as we speak. I gave the Bride a manicure and pedicure last night. Soon there will be lovely dresses to don, family appearing at the door and new family to welcome and love.
Honestly, a year ago, we might have been surprised to have been shown this scene, but it is a joyous occasion. I doubt there will be many dry eyes. I'm starting to get a little teary just thinking about it. My baby sister was the consummate tom-boy. As a little girl, she was never "practicing" her wedding like the rest of her five sisters. It just wasn't her. She was out playing football with the neighborhood boys. She has always found her own way and taken on some hulking life lessons in her less than thirty years. She survived cancer at 18, and a somewhat troubled twenties. I am fairly sure that she would have been surprised at the scene as well - but she is happy. And we are happy. So Happy.
My baby sister is getting married today. It will be a wonderful day!

My 40th Birthday

2009-09-04T08:13:00.002-06:00

I've been warned about today. I hear that there will likely be some weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. . . I'm not actually expecting any of that, however.

Here's what I'm expecting.

A day with my children, probably a pretty normal day. I don't have to go into work, so it's all about the six of us today and tonight. Maybe I'll make a dinner - I think we'll play that by ear. Something simple, no matter what we do. The order of the day is simplicity. We are going to have some Key Lime Pie tonight, because that is my absolute favorite pie. The kids like it too, so they are excited as well. Maybe I ought to go get another pie so that I won't have to share so much of mine. . . THAT is a very good idea!

I expect a phone call from my Sweetie. He is far away, but I did get to spend some time with him earlier this week and that was absolutely more than perfect and wonderful. He strengthens my heart and shines a very sweet & happy light into my soul. He sees and brings the best parts of me out to bless everyone around me. Every day with him in it is a very appreciated gift - whether he is near or far. I expect to be in love with him all day long, no matter what else is going on.

I expect to do some Yoga and take a Hot Bath. That is up to me, though. Sometimes I have to force myself do things just for myself - even when they are the exact things I enjoy most. It must be some kind of Mom Disease.

I want to do some work around my home - because I want that feeling of having accomplished something, as well, today. There is plenty to do in terms of things I've been putting off. I'm going to work on that to do list just a tad.

I am going to hold my Baby Girl for the absolute longest she'll let me. . . because I love doing that. She is a lot like me. Caring for her feels like caring for myself. Fun how that is. . .

I expect to break up some fights between the kids. . . that won't cease to happen just because it's my birthday.

I expect that my sons will mow the lawn. Ü

I expect that I will be very grateful to be alive and feel as blessed as I am - which is very very blessed. A lot has happened in the last few years, but it took me forty years to get here, and I can honestly say that I am glad and extremely grateful to be where I am RIGHT NOW. I believe that the best is yet to come. Some days, the here and now can be pretty overwhelming. . . but it is good. We will get where we need to go, in time.

And can I just say one more time how blessed I am to have my family and my love? Nothing compares to the blessings of precious people in your life. There are many people in my life that love me, and that I love. I am very very happy to be who I am today, and to have had 40 years of life - good growing years. Here's to the next 40 and all the wonderful people who will stay a part of and become a part of my life during those years. I look forward to loving you all.

"By Endurance We Conquer."

2009-07-07T10:59:00.005-06:00

This is an incredible against-all-odds story. I believe that I will be drawing courage and inspiration from this man and his courage for the rest of my life.

The story of Sir Ernest Shackleton, as told by Allyson Lewis. The Seven Minute Difference, pp. 2-5.

Sir Ernest Shackleton, one of history's most daring navigators, was a man whose purpose was to lead explorations of earth's unknown areas.In pursuit of that purpose, Shackleton determined that he would lead an expedition to explore the Antarctic. He knew that the area held a wealth of important scientific information, and that such an expedition would be both historically and scientifically significant. He had a vision, he had a purpose, and he had a burning desire to accomplish things that no man had ever accomplished.

Shackleton and a crew of 26 (and a stowaway) set sail from Plymouth, England, on August 1, 1914, aboard the Endurance, a ship named for the Shackleton family motto "By Endurance We Conquer." After sailing around the tip of South America, the ship slowly made its way through the thickening ice of the Atlantic Ocean until the crew could see the Antarctic continent before them. Then, on Janurary 19, 1915, the ship stopped completely as the huge ice floes that clogged the sea trapped it.

With no other perceived options, Shackleton decided to wait until the spring thaw. Throughout the long dark Antarctic winter the ship was locked in place, the men stranded. As a leader, Shakleton knew that he must keep the crew's spirits high or they would never be able to endure the horrible cold and loneliness of this desolate situation. He led the men in games of football and hockey on the ice. The celebrated holidays, sang patriotic songs, and raced their dog sleds in what they called the Antarctic Derby.

After ten long months, the ice floes began to shift; but instead of freeing the Endurance, they slowly crushed the ship and dragged her to the bottom of the ocean. The crew unloaded as many supplies as they could, salvaging food, lifeboats, sled dogs, and supplies, then made camp on the ice floe that had crushed their ship. If you have ever felt trapped by circumstances beyond your control, adrift, or crushed by the shifting changes of the world around you, you might have some concept of the challenges facing Shackleton and his crew during these agonizing months.

Again, Shackleton stepped forward as the leader stepped forward as a leader. He gave his men his word that he would return every one of them safely to England. He did not allow them to consider the possibility that they would fail. Shackleton assigned daily rotating duties to the men, to keep them all engaged and actively at work on achieving their purpose. He reminded them frequently of their return voyage, and he kept their dreams of home always vivid in their minds. He asked the men to describe their homes; the counties where they lived; their wives, children, parents, and friends. He treated the idea of a successful voyage home as a forgone conclusion, and made the goal of achieving that dream the driving force behind every crew member's work and purpose.

On April 12, 4 months after the breakup of the Endurance, the ice floe on which the men were camped broke free and drifted within 30 miles of tiny Elephant Island. In a courageous dash, Shackleton and his crew boarded their three tiny lifeboats and sailed for the relative safety of the island. Amazingly, all three boats landed safely. Although they were able to shelter in the inhospitable place, the only source of food on the island was its flocks of penguins. Shackleton knew that without vegetables, he and his men would contract scurvy and die, and he was determined to avoid such a horrible conclusion to their venture.

So, in a 22 1/2 foot lifeboat named the James Caird, Shackleton and five of his men set out to make the whaling station on South Georgia Island, a 25 mile strip of land 800 miles away, across the open and stormy sea. With nothing more than a compass to guide them, Shackleton and 5 other crew members accomplished on of the greatest navigational feats in history and landed on the southern coast of the Georgia Island on May 10, just 17 days after launching.

Leading his tiny crew over uncharted mountains, through an icy rushing stream, and down the 30-foot drop of a waterfall, Shackleton successfully reached the whaling station within 36 hours after landing on the small island. Then after 4 months of repeated efforts to return, Shackleton successfully sailed back to Elephant Island and rescued his remaining 22 crew members. When he landed back on the island 105 days after leaving, he was amazed to find that all of his men remained alive. As Shackleton had promised, he and his men realized their dream; all of them returned to their homes in England. These were ordinary men with the same dreams and fears we ahe, but, by sharing the deep and passionate purpose of their leader, they persevered in the pursuit of an incredible achievement. Shackleton and his crew formulated common goals, and made sue that every choice they made and every action they undertook specifically moved them closer to those goals. The drew upon their strengths to survive throughout enormous hardship. Shackleton's core belief in a single, powerful dream guided them.

He still loves me.

2009-06-28T07:52:00.005-06:00

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, because my well laid plans have come to naught. I was quite comfortable with the path I was on, and I'm sure it was necessary for me. I never could have made the decisions I made if I didn't have some calm assurance that things would work out well for my children and I. I was confident that I'd be able to find a teaching job. The doors flew open in that direction and I felt very peaceful about all the steps I took on that road. Until, that is, I turned in all the applications and not one school or school district called. After a month of no calls, and hearing the grim prospects from the people I called, I had to face the reality that there was no happy ending to my plan. The economy has brought many certified teachers into the schools and there isn't a need for someone like me that would need to go through the certification process while teaching. The economy has also made fast work of my degree field - for me. Now is not the time to find a design position that would give me the the financial autonomy I'd need to stay in my home. There was a ghost of a chance I'd be able to find something which didn't require a degree, but which would still give me the means that I needed. In the bright sun of day, however, I don't believe in ghosts. It's just time to move on.

So, here is my plan. I am going to sell my house, and move in with my parents. It is very humbling.

I know that caring for my children was the greatest work I ever could have done, but it didn't prepare me well for the world I face now. I have to get more education. I don't mind school, I was always good at school. I will get started on a path which will allow me to work in healthcare, nursing more particularly. It will take a while to get through that, but I should be able to find work while I'm on that path. It's certainly not where I thought the Lord was going to take me, nevertheless, it is where I'm going - and I have to believe that it is good. There must be goals. There must be direction. Honestly, I can't say that I KNOW where I'll be in four years but at least I have a plan. Again.

. . and I know that He loves me.

Never Dreamed.

2009-06-06T18:27:00.002-06:00

I am at such a crazy place. When I was 15, on the Olympic High School Swim Team, no one could have convinced me that I'd be here. I enjoyed swimming. It rounded me out. It gave me something to reach for, besides grades. I was probably the worst swimmer on the team - or at least VERY close to the worst, vying for worst. (snicker) But it was about personal improvement and doing my best. It didn't bother me that it wasn't anywhere near the best. I had no idea how important it would be to my sanity at this point in my life. Three years on a swim team has made a world of difference to today's version of me.

I started swimming again last month, and have been three times. I've tried to get into a routine before, but the struggle of getting the kids to a sitter made the hour into a half day event. It wasn't worth that much time to me. I didn't have support from my husband, which was frustrating. I gave up. Now, however, I am without my children every other weekend. It can be lonely, and I make sure to plan things that I couldn't do if they were here. I don't squander that time because there just isn't that much of it. The first time I swam, I did 300 yards in 20 minutes. Today, I was able to do 900 yards in 35 minutes. I still feel a little bit jello-y in the muscles. It's great. As I'm swimming I can hear my coach yelling in my head. I know when my stroke is getting weak, I know when I'm shutting down 5 yards from the wall. I know when I'm not kicking because someone is yelling at me to kick harder. Today, as I came into the last wall, I heard a familiar voice say, "power it into the wall." My muscles were tired, but determination rose in me, and I did it. It felt wonderful. I knew I had done good work.

You can't even dream some of what is out there, waiting. You can't imagine how important the ways you develop and grow will be to a future you. Pour yourself into. . . well, yourself. Care about yourself. Be grateful for your blessings. Tell the Lord, "THANK YOU!" Believe me, every time I get into the water, and feel myself moving in old familiar ways, I AM SO GRATEFUL that they ARE old and familiar. It is like coming home to the 15 year old me. I feel younger and more hopeful - a lot more like her. What a blessing!

Cold here tonight

2009-05-29T08:56:00.002-06:00

It’s cold here tonight.

I am shaking just a little bit

as I write.

It’s not bad.

It seems to echo my heart.

Poor shaking heart.

Poor frightened heart.

This is my road.

It is icy and a bit dangerous.

There’s so much

at stake, so many things hanging

in the balance.

Steady now eyes.

Steady hands,

steady.

Winter will give way

to spring.

It is as certain

as the sunrise.

It will come.

Dream, heart

and feel,

your warmest days

unfolding.

I wrote this in January, and forgot about it. I was so happy to read it again today, now that warmer days have certainly come. I could never have imagined a year ago what my life would be today. I am happier in almost every way. We can't always imagine what the future has in store.

I'm at another crossroads - just as I was last May. I've felt the stress, which has been profound. This time, however, I feel stronger. Experience is an excellent teacher. This next thought is going to sound random, but I'll tie it in, I promise. I've been teaching my children to float when we go to the pool. It is the first rule of water safety. Panic is your aquatic enemy. You must relax completely and be absolutely still. It occurs to me that in life, as well, thrashing around and panicking in a sea of stress is wasted energy, and possibly even emotionally lethal. We are often told to "Be Still." At times like this, even when there is literally a SEA of stress that seems as if it would swallow me whole, quiet faith calls for that stillness. Experience has taught me to follow my heart, and allow the greater powers of the universe to guide my life.

Threshold

2009-05-05T21:30:00.002-06:00

My life is new today. The divorce was final - the fifth of May.

I was also down with a virus today. My daughter, E, had it on Sunday and it didn't last long - so I'm hopeful. I don't want to be sick tomorrow. The most amazing thing happened today, though. I was down from early afternoon on. My mother brought the boys home from school. The other kids are off track. From my bedroom I could hear my 13 year old son, T, taking charge. He had dinner planned and was obviously prepared to care for the kids the rest of the day. They watched Stardust together, after which he made German Pancakes for them, and they ate outside on the picnic table. They had a wonderful time. He brought me water and commanded me to stay in bed. I got up once to go to the bathroom and he came running in asking why I was up, what I needed. He listed a few things, and told me to go back to bed. I laughed and told him why he was up, and he relented - but made sure that I knew that was it, I wasn't doing anything else. When they finished with dinner, he took the kids down to the park. When they got home, they all watched another movie - a Barbie movie which is one of my three-year-old's favorites.

Can I just tell you what a relief this was? I never imagined that he would not only step in to help, but truly manage things as kindly and as well as he did. Now, he has all the little ones in his room for one more movie as they fall asleep. He has given up his bed to the girls and is going to sleep on a futon on the floor, so that I can get a good night's rest. I'm so proud of him. I've never seen him exhibit such incredible unselfishness. It's been a hard road this last year, but I'm starting to truly see in my children the strength they've developed. They are adjusting well.

For so many reasons, I couldn't be more grateful today.

U2's "Yahweh"

2009-04-26T01:45:00.001-06:00

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

Dark Chocolate Dove Speaks.

2009-04-19T16:09:00.002-06:00

This is what my wrapper said:

"Love is the master key which opens the gates of happiness."

I thought that was a pretty good one.

Be Still My Soul.

2009-04-16T16:07:00.004-06:00

It will get easier, this path I'm taking. In the meantime, there is a beautiful song that the Holy Ghost can use to comfort me deeply. I am so grateful for this blessing. It came just at the right time today, when I needed to know that Heavenly Father was aware of me, struggling.

Here are the words:

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

Here is David Archuleta singing the song:

A New Day.

2009-04-10T00:00:00.002-06:00

It is now 12:00 a.m. on the dot. (I know when I post this, it won't read that way, but it was when I started.) It's really more than that, however. It's the first day in a new ERA in my life. My children are spending the weekend with their father, at his home. We will go on this way the rest of our lives - or at least until they are grown. This is the new "normal". This is what we agreed to in our divorce. It's not what my heart wanted, but I think it was the best solution available to us. I can accept it, and move forward with my life. I will give them my best and a full share of my love for the gospel whenever they are with me. I will pray that they will remember my words and testimony when they are away from me. I will pray that they recognize the presence of the Holy Ghost in my home. I will do my best to make Him, and Our Savior welcome at all times. We need Him to strive with us. I will be faithful. I will be the example that they need.
The thing about these temporal changes is that there are somethings that will NEVER change as long as I remain faithful to my covenants. I know it is probably normal, when a spouse leaves the Church and a Temple Marriage, to feel that it was all for naught. I don't, however, feel that way. I feel supremely blessed to have those promises, to know that no matter what happens here, temporally, MY CHILDREN ARE MINE. It means the world to me to know that my covenants are intact and whole, unbroken and uncompromised. I can imagine that without that, I might feel a much greater despair right now. I might feel completely lost. I feel a little sad, but I am not lost because WE are not lost. The wedding photo still hangs in our hallway, with the temple behind us. It reminds me everyday of the promises I made, and have kept. I love those promises, and cherish the comfort they give me in knowing that far beyond the aches of my temporal heart, forever and forever, these five beautiful souls are bound to me. MY CHILDREN ARE MINE.

Surprise.

2009-04-01T09:10:00.003-06:00

I was in Junior High again this morning. I hadn't anticipated being there when all of the kids were milling through the halls but my meeting went longer than I anticipated. As I was exiting the building, with early teens on all sides, I was forced to grapple with something I've not dealt with in a LONG time.
I'm short!
I was even wearing the shoes that by default make me a little taller than I normally am. I was probably about eye level with a lot of the girls. . . but I was grossly outsized by most of the boys. I had this little feeling of panic, which REALLY surprised me. It's not that I felt insecure, or uncomfortable in my own skin - I'm good with those things. I have been at my current height for 27 years, which alone is twice the age of most of the kids in that building. I wasn't intimidated on an adult level. I love where I am as a person right now, even though this morning it meant meeting with the Vice Principal regarding my son's poor behavioral choices. (Another story for another time.)
What I realized is that a long time ago a young girl WAS intimidated by it all, and somewhere inside of me she is still alive and kicking. I had no idea, honestly. I've been in much more demanding social situations over the last 27 years. I spent 18 months as a missionary in a foreign country speaking with people about religion, in their language. I loved it. I enjoy public speaking - really enjoy it. I have never considered my adult self to be insecure, but that little girl is still there. What a surprise.

Lessons in Alma Chapter 38

2009-03-22T22:52:00.002-06:00

5 And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.

As Much As. . . Even So Much

This is an amazing promise. I have experienced this in my own life. I don't think it means that the Lord will act exactly the way we would like him to. He will deliver us in the way that he sees fit, but we will know that it is through his hand that we were delivered. When the Lord moves mountains for you, you know it.

10 . . . I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things.

11 See that ye are not lifted up unto pride; yea, see that ye do not boast in your own wisdom, nor of your much strength.

12 Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

I was struggling tonight with the facts of my son’s life, how sad I am that he is still failing courses in school, etc. It is difficult to know how much is the right amount of pressure, and what my part is in helping him to succeed. I was reading in Alma 38 before I went to bed and found these verses. I thought it was very to the point and seemed to meet my needs and answer some of my questions. I was glad for the inspiration. Everything in life can be a struggle - and it goes back a lot to verse 5 - when we trust in the Lord, he will show us the way and deliver us.

Look Look Look at these sweet babies. What a Masterful Creator!

2009-02-21T06:37:00.022-07:00

These photos and quotes came to me this morning in an email. I'm not one to forward emails, but I enjoyed these so much I thought I'd post them to my blog so that my friends could see them. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

'Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

If you lack the courage to start, you have already finished.

If you want your dreams to come true, you mustn't oversleep.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The best vitamin for making friends..... B1.

The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

The heaviest thing you can carry is a grudge.

One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.

Ideas won't work unless ' You' do.

The 10 commandments are not a multiple choice.

You lie the loudest when you lie to yourself.

Friends are like angels, who lift us to our feet
when our wings have trouble remembering
how to fly.

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime! It is never too late to become what you might have been.
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right.. Forget about the one's who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

Two cute quotes.

2009-02-17T20:46:00.001-07:00

I have a Mac computer. It has a Dashboard. There a widgets that can be added to the Dashboard. One of my favorites is "Today's fortune." These are two fortunes from the last 24 hours. They made me laugh which is the best reason I can think of for sharing them.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

love, n.: When you think of someone on days that begin with a morning.

The Love Song Play List.

2009-02-09T09:43:00.003-07:00

I had a request for "the list" - so here it is. Enjoy!

To Love You More Celine Dion Let's Talk About Love
Little Wonders Rob Thomas Meet the Robinsons
Ever the Same Rob Thomas Something to Be
All That I Am Rob Thomas Something to Be
I'm Yours Jason Mraz We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things
Then You Look At Me Celine Dion All The Way... A Decade Of Song
In Your Eyes Peter Gabriel So
Amarantine Enya Amarantine
The Impossible Dream Allison Bryan Keepin' Out of Mischief
Not While I'm Around MoTab Showtime!
Something So Strong Crowded House Recurring Dream
Unchained Melody Cyndi Lauper At Last
Don't Leave Home Dido Life For Rent
Love Me Tender Elvis Presley Elv1s 30 #1 Hits
It Will Be Me Kristin Chenoweth As I Am
I've Got A Crush On You Frank Sinatra Duets
Look After You The Fray How To Save A Life
Broken Wings Mr. Mister The Best of Mr. Mister
Hold My Hand Hootie & The Blowfish Cracked Rear View
Never Tear Us Apart INXS Live Baby Live
Your Smiling Face James Taylor Greatest Hits
You've Got A Friend James Taylor Greatest Hits
Something In The Way She Moves James Taylor Greatest Hits
Clarity John Mayer Heavier Things
Back To You John Mayer Room for Squares
You Are Loved Josh Groban Awake
When You Say You Love Me Josh Groban Closer
You Raise Me Up Josh Groban Closer
Un Amore Per Sempre Josh Groban Josh Groban
You And I Michael Bublé It's Time
How Sweet It Is Michael Bublé It's Time
Come to My Garden MoTab Showtime!
Your Call Secondhand Serenade A Twist In My Story
Forever And For Always Shania Twain Up! (Red Disc)
A Thousand Years Sting Brand New Day
I Was Brought To My Senses Sting Mercury Falling
You Take Me Up The Thompson Twins Greatest Mixes
Even Better Than The Real Thing U2 Achtung Baby
Beautiful Day U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
Sweetest Thing U2 The Best Of 1980-1990
A Man And A Woman U2 How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
Wild Honey U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
Walk On U2 All That You Can't Leave Behind
All I Want Is You U2 The Best Of 1980-1990
She Loves Me Stephen Duffy Some Kind of Wonderful
True Spandeau Ballet The Wedding Singer Volume 2
You're The Inspiration Chicago Chicago - Greatest Hits
Glory of Love Peter Cetera Solitude / Solitaire
Hero Mariah Carey #1's
Love Machine The Miracles Motown 1's
I Can't Help Myself Four Tops Motown 1's
Ain't No Mountain High Enough Michael McDonald Motown 1's
My Girl The Temptations Motown 1's
Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell Motown 1's
Comin' Home Baby Michael Bublé Call Me Irresponsible
I've Got the World On a String Michael Bublé Call Me Irresponsible
Everything Michael Bublé Call Me Irresponsible
The Best Is Yet to Come Michael Bublé Call Me Irresponsible
My Guy Mary Wells Motown 1's
My Confession Josh Groban Closer
Brand New Day Sting Brand New Day
Ghost Story Sting Brand New Day
Fortress Around Your Heart Sting Fields Of Gold
We'll Be Together Sting Fields Of Gold
Be Still My Beating Heart Sting Fields Of Gold
Fields Of Gold Sting Fields Of Gold
Whenever I Say Your Name Sting Sacred Love
You're Still You Josh Groban Josh Groban
The Real Thing Gwen Stefani Love. Angel. Music. Baby
The Sweet Escape Gwen Stefani The Sweet Escape
She Is The Fray How To Save A Life Rock
Better Together Jack Johnson In Between Dreams
Angel Jack Johnson Sleep Through the Static
Upside Down Jack Johnson Sing-a-Longs and Lullabies
Glad You're Here Macy Gray Big
What I Gotta Do Macy Gray Big
Nah! Shania Twain Up! (Red Disc)

The Dance.

2009-01-27T17:59:00.003-07:00

As I promised, here is the story I have been wanting to tell.

For about a week, I was a little bit obsessed with creating a love song playlist. I didn’t have any really specific purpose in mind, but I wanted to do it, and later I felt I needed to do it. I didn’t understand why - but I knew it was important. The more I worked on it, the more I wanted the songs to reflect my love for my children, although romantic love is still well represented. I looked for songs about strong, healthy, loving relationships. I enjoyed putting it together. I kept hearing songs on the radio that I knew I wanted. For a while that happened every time I listened, and I was able to find the ones I didn't have on iTunes. The majority of the songs I wanted to include, I already owned. I had it pretty well “finished” on Friday night. I hope that we never loose this playlist. I think that the list will keep expanding over time. E has already made her own suggestions, and I’m sure the others will, too.
We were pretty lazy on Saturday morning. I could tell that the little ones especially needed my time and affection. We read books in bed and snuggled. I had E turn on the love song playlist and we listened to some of the songs over and over. It has been a long time since they have seemed so happy and carefree. I wanted to get some cleaning done that morning, which isn’t easy to do with little people needing you, so I tried to make it as fun as possible. We had more fun than we actually cleaned, but my room ( which was the most important area to me) got picked up. I inserted a song for us to dance to in between each chore, which was fun by itself. Then I thought of giving each child some personal time to dance with me. They were so excited. I was actually a little surprised to see how much they enjoyed it. I am sure that it will be a part of our future. It is a way to give each of the little ones some personal time without leaving the comfort of our home. Just what we all need. Broken Wings by Mister Mister came on, and it was A’s turn. She knew it was her turn and she started to beg me to pick her up and dance with her, so I did. She snuggled up with her head on my shoulder and we danced a sweet slow song.
As we were dancing, I realized that I had been there before, in a dream.

That is not uncommon for me, but this particular realization brought tears to my eyes. I had the dream more than three years ago and had found it quite unsettling. The first thing that happened was that D brought a baby to me, all wrapped up in blankets, and very tiny. We visited with friends for a while, then I went home but D didn’t come with me. He never did return to the house. I saw him with friends and once coming out of a door that seemed to be in a tree. I know it’s odd, but that was the dream. I just knew that he was not with us.
At home, there was a storm, and the wind was howling. I realized, looking around, that my home was very poorly constructed. The walls were just boards nailed to the frame. There were large gaps between some of the boards. Everything literally seemed to be shaking as though it would crumble to pieces at any moment. It was complete chaos. I was running here and there, trying to get things settled down, but it seemed hopeless. At that point, I came into the family room and found a number of people there, including some soldiers. Music was playing. A girl came to me and wanted to dance. She was young, and taller than I was. She was simply dressed, but beautiful. For a moment, I wondered who she was. As the music played and everyone danced, the storm seemed to calm. We had survived. When I woke up, I realized that the girl in my dream was my unborn child, my fifth child, a girl.
As I was dancing with A on that Saturday, the recognition of the significance of that moment flowed over me very forcefully. I understood that we had, indeed, survived the storm. D was gone, and the house had seemed to shake as though our entire existence would be destroyed. Although many things had changed in our lives however, we were still there together just like we had been in my dream; my children and I, loving each other. Even though the dream was unsettling to me at the time, for good reason, the fact that the Lord would give me such a gift was overwhelming. He had prepared me in many ways for the changes which He knew would come into my life over the next few years. It was wonderful just to bask in that feeling of comfort and completion. There is still a great deal left to be accomplished, but I know in whom I have trusted. He has brought me through the greatest of difficulties, and I know that His promises are sure.

"Don't Shove Me."

2009-01-26T08:20:00.000-07:00

Harold B. Lee, “‘Don’t Shove Me’,” Ensign, Apr. 1975, 60

I had an experience once that taught me something as a grandfather. It was the night of the June Dance Festival at the University of Utah football stadium, and my daughter’s two oldest children were giving her a “bad time,” as she called it. So I said, “How would you like it if I took your two boys up to the stadium to the dance festival?” She said, “Oh, Daddy, if you’d do that, I’d be so happy.”

I didn’t know what I was getting into, but I took those two boys; one of them was five and the other nearly seven. I didn’t know there was so much difference between a seven-year-old and a five-year-old. The older boy was entranced by that spectacle down on the football field. But that five-year-old, his attention span was pretty short. He’d squirm, and then he’d want to go get a hot dog and he’d want to get a drink and he’d want to go to the toilet, and he was just on the move all the time.

And here I was sitting up front with the General Authorities, and they were smiling at this little show going on as I tried to pull my grandson here and there to make him behave. Finally that little five-year-old turned on me and, with his little doubled-up fist, he smacked me on the side of the face and he said, “Grandfather, don’t shove me!”

And you know, that hurt. In the twilight I thought I could see my brethren chuckling a bit as they saw this going on, and my first impulse was to take him and give him a good spanking. That’s what he deserved. But I’d seen his little mother do something. I’d seen her when he was having a temper tantrum. She had a saying, “You have to love your children when they’re the least lovable.”

So I thought I’d try that out. I had failed in the other process. I took him in my arms and I said to him, “My boy, Grandfather loves you. I so much want you to grow up to be a fine big boy. I just want you to know that I love you.” And his angry little body began to unlimber, and he threw his arms around my neck and he kissed my cheek and he loved me. I had conquered him by love.

President Harold B. Lee
(Sunday School Conference address, October 5, 1973)

Something is brewing.

2009-01-23T22:17:00.002-07:00

I know there is something I need to write about. It is a very tender experience, but one which I know will bring a lot of joy to you all. I want to do it justice, so I'll be taking my time, but it will happen. I think this is the first time I've tried to "compose" something, rather than just let my ideas flow. It is an experiment unto itself.

Life is pretty crazy. I'm trying to hang on to my sanity and keep an open mind about where the Lord is taking me and what he has in mind. We shall see.

Have a wonderful day!

A Blessing: Numbers 6:24-26

2008-12-30T08:18:00.003-07:00

The Lord bless thee, and keep thee:
The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee:
The Lord lift up his countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.

Blessed beyond measure.

2008-12-26T21:33:00.002-07:00

I keep thinking that I need to post something, but I'm maybe just a little overwhelmed at how much love we've received lately from neighbors and friends. I couldn't get my brain around what I wanted to say. Mostly, I just want to say that this has been such a wonderful holiday. By and large, the children were very well behaved. There was very little arguing. There was no grumpiness about getting the right gifts or enough. We had so much in the way of extra unexpected love come our way. We are loved, and that is the best feeling ever - especially at Christmas. I am so grateful to be living here in this area. Our neighbors and church community have been attentive to our needs - I can't even begin to tell how wonderful they have been. The are Christians of the highest caliber. They inspire me.

The other thing I have been thinking of today is the sweetness of my children. Yes, they've had their moments. Yes, I've had frustration - but I've also had pure joy that has persisted and rested on our home for nearly three days. A will be three years old tomorrow. Her little voice and precious pronunciation makes every thing she says ring in my ears. I love to hear her express her thoughts and feelings. When she is very excited, she speaks very quickly and I realize that I am not quite fluent in her language, but I love every syllable nonetheless. Q has moods that swing with the hour, but mostly he's just said, "Mommy, I love you so much." He is so sincere and darling. It is good to see him settling in and feeling like home here. The big boys were touched at the outpouring of Santa's gifts this year. My 10 year old believes. That is so much fun. My 13 year old was grateful to those Santas that made his Christmas merrier. He was amazed, happy and grateful. If you have a teenager you know that those things don't often happen in the same sentence let alone the same day. E was such the quintessential almost 8 year old girl. She loves the mom role. She is affectionate (to near overload). She is precious with her younger siblings, and had a great time all day long. She dressed up for the trip to Grandma's.

This year has been so confirming. D and I have done the right thing. Last year, there was no peace at Christmas. This year, there was just happiness, love and relaxation. There was no angry stain on the day, no overhanging tension in the air, it was just wonderful. It was absolutely perfect and wonderful. I have no reason to regret our current course - although I know that future Christmas seasons will surely be more complicated. Life brings with it it's own sorrows and joys. If I didn't know the sorrowful days, I don't think I'd know to be able to say - Yesterday was splendid and perfect in every way. What a blessing.

It was a lovely Christmas. Today was lovely, too. I have to head back to work tomorrow, but it will be with a light heart. I am so happy today. I hope I can make it last a very long time.

Last day for Scentsy Christmas orders is . . .

2008-12-11T10:25:00.002-07:00

December 15, 2008.

If you want something delivered to someone before Christmas, please let me know prior to that date. Also, if you live near me, I do have some things on hand so feel free to give me a call afterward as well, I just won't be able to do a Christmas order directly from Scentsy after that date.

What's this?

2008-12-11T10:22:00.003-07:00

This is A's favorite thing to say.

"Mama, Hachatamelt."

What does she want?

(I'll edit the post later and tell you, but I'd love to hear what you think.)

Kate wins!

"Hot Chocolate Milk" - or as we in the big world say, "Swiss Miss".

Biking

2008-12-11T10:17:00.003-07:00

This morning, after dropping the older kids off at school, my two youngest and I were driving home when I noticed something interesting on the side of the road.

I pointed and said, "Look Q, it's a guy riding a recumbent bike."

Q looked over and said incredulously, "Why?"

First of course, I laughed. It wasn't what I thought he'd say, at all.

Then, we talked about the why because as it turned out, he was very interested in it. After I finished laughing he said again. "Why, mom? Why would someone want to ride a bike like that?"

I thought that maybe it was a back problem, or because he thought it looked cool or it was fun to ride.

I don't know, anyone know why recumbent bikes are cool?

Time to make Dinner!

2008-12-09T17:43:00.002-07:00

I'm not often home at dinner time these days. I'm often at work. So, tonight I am working on my attitude of gratitude. I am grateful to be the one preparing a warm meal for my family this evening. I am happy that I can hear their voices and direct their activities tonight. Two of them will soon be headed out to evening activities. This will be the best time of my day with them.

It is 5:46 p.m.

It is time to make dinner, and I am very happy to do it!

Life

2008-12-09T07:29:00.001-07:00

Life involves passions, faiths, doubts and courage.

Josiah Royce

Leave a message.

2008-12-03T13:14:00.003-07:00

When I was waking my 13 year old son this morning, he proved to me - once again - that his sizzling wit will be a very important part of getting him through the "rough stuff".

"Time to wake up, T . . .Come on sweetie."

nudge nudge

"Seriously T . . . you need to . . ."

"T is not available right now. Please leave a message. Beeeeeeep."

giggle giggle

I, of course was completely unable to resist it - I about fell on the floor belly laughing.

That was a great way to start the day.

Silly Mom.

2008-11-30T11:54:00.002-07:00

I went to the grocery store yesterday, and guess what I forgot, again. Dishwasher detergent. The irony.

Detergent.

2008-11-27T21:40:00.004-07:00

So, I had a sink full of dishes and I was out of dishwasher detergent. It's Thanksgiving and I'm not in the mood to find a place to sell me some, so I turned to the internet. I sorted through a bunch of recipes and found a number of ingredients that I had on hand.

Baking Soda

liquid dish soap

lemon juice

I put a nickel sized spot of the liquid detergent in each side of the dispenser. I added about a teaspoon of lemon juice to each side and then filled the rest of the cups up with baking soda. It was a grand experiment. When I shut the door and pushed start I had flashbacks of the Brady bunch episode where the kids put regular dish soap in the dishwasher and have suds pouring out into the kitchen. That didn't happen, however. I did two loads this way today - both of them came out with good results. In each load there was at least one dish or pan that wasn't completely clean, but that sometimes happens with regular detergent as well. I was very pleased. It stirred me a little bit to find other things I could replace with less expensive homemade concoctions. Why not? It also made me think a little about how mentally dependent I am as a consumer on the products I use. I was glad to break out of the box a bit and try something new - and especially happy that it turned out so well!

All Gummed Up.

2008-11-17T07:29:00.004-07:00

The following will someday be part of a movie, I'm sure of it. Truth IS stranger than fiction after all. My son told me this story on the way home from my parents' house last night. I laughed so hard I thought I might need to pull off the road. Driving under the influence of laughter, not always a very safe proposition.

Last month, my Dad and two of my sons (ages 12 and 5) were up on my roof. There had recently been a torrential downpour which had caused some leaking. We only knew about it because there was moisture around a ceiling fan in our family room. This upset the 5 year old beyond words. (He is still quite concerned about it. More on that later.) For some reason, a few drops of water on the ceiling spelled certain destruction to him. (I can't, unfortunately, say that it spelled hunky dorry for me either but I hadn't thought of calling in the US Army Corps of Engineers yet.) The fan area is directly below an attic vent on the roof. All of us big people figured that was probably the source of the water and sure enough - it had been installed incorrectly. My Dad, being a very practical man and knowing that kids often learn best through observation, had taken two of my boys up on the roof with him to watch. The third must have been away because otherwise I'm sure he'd have been up there, too. As my Dad was laying a bead of caulk around the attic vent, his gum got a little stale and he decided to toss it over his shoulder. Q, my five year old must have been uncharacteristically quiet up until that point. He let out a wail and everyone turned quickly to see what was the matter. (They were up on the roof, you know.)

There he was, frozen in time with my Dad's discarded gum right between between his eyes. He did not understand what everyone seemed to find so funny and he continued to wail until the situation was rectified - which I'm sure was not nearly soon enough for him.

Yearbook Yourself

2008-11-16T01:17:00.012-07:00

I've been meaning to do this for a long time, so without further ado here is a 1952 me:

Me in 1966:

How about 1968:

Now 1972, looks a lot like 1966 don't you think? I like the hair better. Can't imagine doing that but hey. It worked for them.

Fast forward to 1990, which is a lot like the hair when I gradutated form high school:

In 1996, I was a new mom - but this works for me.

Luckily for me, I like this best of all. I think I even like this better than my Senior Portraits. I like this girl - she's grown up now. She is happy. She has 5 beautiful children and loves being with them. She has a job, and is grateful for it. She's also very tired and needs to get to bed.

Lighthearted.

2008-11-11T10:18:00.002-07:00

Today, I was going through some things, getting papers organized and I decided that it was finally time to put my birthday cards away. I came across the card that Q, my five year old "made" for me. I put made in quotations because this is how the sweet card came to be . . . it was my birthday, and we were making preparations for a party.

"Mom, draw a picture of our family, and don't look."

"Don't look? I have to look at what I'm drawing or I can't draw."

"But I don't want you to see it! It's a surprise."

"A surprise, huh? Is if for my birthday?"

"Yes. I'm making a card for you."

"Okay, well then I have to look, but I'll draw the picture and you can do everything else. I promise I won't peek until tonight, okay?"

"Okaaaaaay . . . I guess you can look."

That brought me a good giggle today and I realized that I hadn't posted it yet so there you go, a good laugh.

I don't want to scare you but . . .

2008-11-10T09:41:00.003-07:00

If you want to see what we are up against, go to Mormons Stole Our Rights. It's pretty clear to me that the authors of this blog have at one time been members of the church.

Or try the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Hmmmm . . . that's not what the constitution states, right?

The next item quotes numerous people with regard to the "failure" of Prop 8. If you are already freaking out, you may not want to read this one. It is pretty graphic in terms of how angry people are. . . which I don't think is a bad thing for us to know. We can't be naive about this. On the other hand, at the bottom, there are a number of other article links which will help you to see that we aren't the only ones in the battle. We are being singled out, but we aren't the only ones fighting for traditional marriage.

What I find interesting is that not one of the persons advocating taking away the tax exempt status of the church has mentioned what groups funded the "NO on 8 campaigns." It makes one wonder. Should we look into that? I mean seriously. I bet it wouldn't take much digging to find that the actual law was violated - and not just the "spirit of the law".

Here is my opinion. Take away the tax exempt status of the LDS church! Please! I can't imagine a greater blessing! The actual church leaders will then be free to lobby anyone they want, be as involved as they feel necessary - ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - and do whatever they please with regard to maintaining laws in the United States. It won't hurt the church. I wouldn't be surprised if they were ready for all of this long before they encouraged church members to rally in support of Prop 8.

There were a lot of threats made, and what I see happening is that it will become more and more difficult to attend the temple - but we will continue to go.

More than likely, a Temple will be vandalized or there will be concerted efforts to destroy one soon. What will that say? It will probably get some attention. It won't go unnoticed. In the end it will serve good far more than it's instigators anticipate.

Weddings will become more private affairs for church members, rather than openly celebrated events - for protection of those involved. It will only take one wedding photo session, or reception being attacked to move us in that direction.

We will continue to practice our religion.

The first article offered people an opportunity to join a "mass resignation" from the church. I think many will leave the church over this. This will sift the general membership of the church a great deal.

So, I'm asking again. Are We Ready?

Are we ready?

2008-11-04T10:00:00.003-07:00

Today, I think is the beginning of many changes in our world. Are we ready? The Proposition 8 battle isn't over no matter what the outcome is today. There are similar ballot measures in Florida and Arizona, as well.

Like I said, this is just the beginning. This is the issue that will divide our nation. Twelve years ago I wrote that very thing in my journal. I never dreamed it would come so quickly, though.

Where will you stand today? Where will you stand as the battle heats up? Early Christians were severely persecuted, and often killed, for choosing to stand with Christ. Where will you stand?

I don't vote today on any of those ballot measures, but I will watch with interest. It is certainly a battle which will soon come to my state. It will come to all of us. We will be called the vilest of things by people who are seeking "tolerance." By this world, we will be seen as evil and our hearts judged and found wanting. We can look forward to the things of a better world. We can rely on Christ. We can stand up for Him.

Churches have been criticized for their interest in this issue, which is ironic. There are groups out there, well funded and well organized, working full time to eliminate the family as we know it. They are pouring money into this day in and day out. You probably won't hear their names on the news. I'm not talking about gay rights groups either. You can find them if you look for them. It will scare you, and that could be a good thing. Are we ready for this battle? Are we treating this as a battle? Our opponents are, and they aren't going to stop today, no matter what the outcome is today.

Alright now, on a lighter note, my five year old son needs me, and so I need to go. He says that 'Moms don't go on computers, and I need to come'. I think he's right - at least that I need to help him out. He even said please.

Energizer Bunny

2008-10-31T22:47:00.004-06:00

This has been one of those days. Halloween alone is enough, and thankfully I had the day off. T & Q also had the day off, which we all enjoyed. I missed one appointment today, and didn't even remember that I had missed it until about 10 p.m. Sometimes holiday activities cause me to completely draw a blank when it comes to other schedule items. Today, the Halloween Parade at school blacked out everything else. It will be fine. That's not really the problem.
The problem is that this day needed about 36 hours to give me any chance of pulling everything off. Seriously. I had errands to do, orders to place, clients to communicate with above and beyond all the regular Halloween fanfare. The list just went on and on and got longer as the day progressed. For example, before I left home for the errands Connor's doctor called and said that the Radiologist saw some things on the x-ray of Connor's lungs that he didn't. He needed anti-biotics. I could have told him that. Viruses eventually give up or start getting better - and this one wasn't giving Connor much of a break. Just something else I could take care of at Target.
We have made it through in good shape except for the projects which are still waiting patiently for me - and which have to be completed by tomorrow morning. Have to. I have to take the projects with me for a client to pick up sometime tomorrow afternoon. For the most part, they are simple and it is just a matter of getting it done sometime before I need to leave for work at 9 a.m. . . . and for some reason, I thought I'd be able to squeeze some of it in while D had the kids out trick or treating.
Right.
I said something back there about placing orders. Thank heaven for that on a few levels. I had already paid my bills this morning. I keep them in a fun little magnetic pocket on my refrigerator. When I was placing the order, I noticed that the my debit card expired TODAY. I went looking for the new one, and while I was digging around in that pocket I found a bill that still needed to be paid. Tender mercies. I also realized that nearly every card I carry had a more current card in that pocket waiting to be activated. I took care of the mail which has been piling up in the mail bin (which is where I found the new debit card). I got them activated and cut up all of the old ones. I feel totally fresh. My order is in, my bills are paid and if it weren't for the fact that I have quite a few hours of work still before me, I'd relish that. I'm just glad it's done.
I do want to add how much I love these children I've been blessed with. A was so excited about dressing up and made it about half way through the trick-or-treating. I had more candy to eat tonight than any of the kids did - and they are all sleeping now, but one. It has been a crazy crazy week. That is why I named this post Energizer Bunny. This day, and the entire week, just keep going and going and going - I hope that I have the stamina to keep going with it.

And then some.

2008-10-28T22:54:00.002-06:00

This was my day off.

It wasn't in the least bit restful. This morning I headed down to IKEA to pick a TV stand up for my sister. It had already been sold, sad for sis. Q got to be in the play area, however, which he loved. I was able to find what I was looking for in the form of a lamp. I also got a few inexpensive clocks for the living room - and that room is finally starting to feel like a place to be reckoned with. Niiiiiice.

After that, I dropped Q off at kindergarten. Before leaving home, I made arrangements to pick up some contact lenses from the Costco by my Mom's. I went to get those and then headed for the early voting. It was obvious to me by the number of cars parked along the curb, and people walking toward the building that the wait would be far too long. I went home, unloaded all of my goodies and looked up the other locations. There happened to be another along the route back to Q's school, so I stopped there, telling myself that if there was any line at all, I couldn't stop. The parking lot was far from full, and there was no line. I voted and made it to Q's school right on time. That was the real miracle of the day. I went in to pick up Q and noticed that parent teacher conferences were coming up, called my boss for my work schedule next week, and set up a time. On the way to E's school, I called to have her meet me out front at their PT conference sign up tables. I also called T to find out where he was en route so that I could pick him up. The conference times for C & E were during my work hours next week, so I called D and asked if they would work for him and he will be attending their PT conferences.

As I was running around, it occurred to me that we already had crock pot roasted chicken breasts in refrigerator so I warmed them and made some mashed potatoes and heated up some green beans. (We ate just in time for Grandpa to arrive to finish repainting the outside trims around our doors and Garage door. I don't know what my favorite thing is, the new sprayer at the sink & water line to the ice maker in the refrigerator that D put in, or the new paint around the doors. Suffice it to say that these things have all been pleasant changes and I am very very happy for all of them.) As I suspected, the time together was very short, but it was good.

At six I arrived at the home of a couple downtown. I only made one wrong turn, but it worked out okay in the end. We checked everything over and I made a number of suggestions. We went to a couple of stores, and found some amazing glass pieces that will be fabulous in their bedroom. It was really fun, and thankfully they are on a really similar plane when it comes to my suggestions. That makes everything easier.

When I got home, I got the boys to bed - for some reason, the girls wouldn't go. They watched me change the light bulbs - in the process I found a couple more that needed changing. It is really nice to have that done. Other than that, I did not one whit of housework. I have quite a bit of house work and design work ahead of me this week. It's okay, though. It was a very
happy and productive "day off".

Busy Day.

2008-10-28T08:50:00.004-06:00

This is my day off.

It won't be too restful, however. This morning I'm headed down to IKEA to pick a TV stand up for my sister. I'm also going to think about a lamp option for my living room/piano while I'm there. (If I'm going there, there will be some shopping.)

After that, I'll drop Q off at kindergarten. Q's school is very close to my mother's house, where I will leave the TV stand.

On the way home, I will stop at a fire station where they are doing early voting. My mom said that she had voted yesterday and it was like a little bell went off in my head - "Oh, yeah. I could do that tomorrow. Avoid long lines next Tuesday. Ding. Good answer."

When I get home, I'm going to replace dead light bulbs around the house with some purchased at . . . IKEA. That's reminds me, need chocolate from IKEA, too. The chocolate will come in handy after I do the cleaning and laundry that has been calling my name lately. I will probably try to squeeze some Lasagna into the oven, too.

Quinn will need to be picked up about three, then Turner, then Elynn, . . . and we will all be home again.

I will enjoy my children for a short while, eat together.

At six, I have an appointment to do some interior design work for a couple downtown. Need to google their address so I don't get lost. That will be fun. I need to remember to bring my notebook. I now have a total of three clients! I am excited to have some people who want my help with design. Little by little, things will come together.

When I get home it will be time to get the kids ready for bed, read scriptures, have family prayer and get to bed.

Better get going, IKEA opens in an hour and I'm not even dressed yet.

Just for kicks, I'll report back tomorrow on what I actually accomplished. That should be fun. You know what they say about the best laid plans.

Happy day off.

Awin speaks.

2008-10-23T13:23:00.002-06:00

I asked Awin (as she says her name) what she'd like to do this afternoon. She thought for a moment and said, "TEE BEE. . .DEE BEE DEE!" She had been carrying around the DVD of Barbie's Pegasus for a little bit. We had already done some laundry together, read books in bed and played "This little piggy" and "itsy bitsy spider" for a good while. She had had a bath, eaten . . . and so DEE BEE DEE it was. She needed a Pi-Woe and Bane-tet and then she was completely comfortable. I sat there admiring my precious little girl . . . the "wight" of my "wife". . . until she smiled and said, "Momma, Doe Way!"

She WAS completely comfortable. For the first time all day, she needed not a whit of help and she wanted me to know.

Love that little girl.

I Awin.

2008-10-13T00:12:00.000-06:00

A little hilarious moment brought to you by my nearly 3 year old daughter.

I said to her, "Baby girl, you are the light of my life."

She replied, instantly, "Momma, I not wight. . . I Awin!"

I couldn't help but laugh, and I hope it brings you a chuckle, too.

Finally, something they will all EAT!

2008-10-12T19:45:00.003-06:00

"Mom, I totally love this and I am not kidding."

That's what my 12 year old said at dinner tonight. I was elated. This is not an easy child to please, when it comes to food anyway. The kids made me promise to make it every time I don't have to work on Sunday,df all winter long. That's a deal, because besides being tasty - it's simple!

Chicken and Dumplings in the Crock pot

4 to 5 frozen chicken breast straight to the crock pot. (See, EASY!)

Cover with 6 cups water & 3 Chicken bullion cubes (or Chicken broth - you could make this low salt if you are sodium sensitive).

Sprinkle in: (I just took one good pass across the entire surface of the water)

Sliced dehydrated garlic cloves

Montreal Steak Seasoning

Costco's salt free poultry seasoning

Cook on high a few hours then add:

1 1/2 to 2 lbs. mini carrots

Prepare dumplings ahead of time, refrigerate and add the last hour before you plan to serve

Dumplings:

2 cups flour

4 tsp. baking powder

2 tsp. melted butter

1 tsp. salt (I used ground sea salt)

1 egg, beaten

3/4 cup milk

Not all of my culinary experiments are this successful. In fact there have only been a handful. This one certainly qualifies however. The other dinner time comments tonight were:

"This is the best soup in the world!"

"Can we have this every day?"

"More Tarrots!"

"It's delicious!"

I guess it might as well be Mother's Day, huh?

I'd love to tell you that I got the job.

2008-10-11T07:58:00.002-06:00

But I didn't. I didn't even get an interview. It's okay, though - truly. The Lord has truly been providing for our needs and for some reason, I feel like I need to be where I am. That is enough for now. I'll keep following through on possibilities, but I really am content in the place He has put me - I don't imagine it will be forever and that is probably the thing that makes it day to day livable. (Other than I work with some very fun people.) At some point, the Lord's plan will include something else and I'll be ready for that, too.

Link.

2008-10-01T10:42:00.001-06:00

The link to the photos of my application projects is now embedded in that post.

No Small Miracles Need Apply.

2008-09-30T19:43:00.007-06:00

First, the words to 'How firm a foundation':

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said
Who unto the Savior for refuge have fled?

In every condition, -- in sickness, in health,
In poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth,
At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea, --
The Lord, the Almighty, they strength e'er shall be.

"Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy troubles to bless
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flames shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

"E'en down to old age all My people shall prove
My sovereign, eternal, unchangeable love;
And when hoary hairs shall their temples adorn,
Like lambs they shall still in My bosom be borne.

"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no never, no never, forsake!"

Text: Isaiah 43:1-7
Author: "Keen",1787, alt
Composer: Bernhard Schumacher, 1931
Tune: "Firm Foundation"

This has always been one of my favorite hymns. My sister spoke about it in church on Sunday, very eloquently. The children were quiet enough during the meeting that I was able to reflect upon all the ways my own prayers have been answered through this particular hymn's words. It is especially applicable in my life right now. The Lord has sustained me through the deep waters, through the fiery trials, and caused me to stand. That is not to say that I believe those trials are finished or that the waters have receded - simply that I can see His hand at work and I am amazed.

To fully tell the story of the day, I need to go back to March. There was a contest I felt compelled to enter. I'm not sure why - I simply felt that I should put together an entry. It was: Three Scrapbook Pages, Five Cards and Two three dimensional items. It took nearly ten days working almost non stop. I fed and bathed the children, but generally let them run amok during that time. The house and I were a complete disaster. It took longer than I imagined, including a few very late nights - or should I say early early mornings. The entire time, I was compelled. For some reason I didn't understand, I knew I had to do it. I had to finish it.

So, fast forward to a month ago. The company I sent the contest entry to is quite near my home, about 10 minutes. I have a few acquaintances working there, one of them with considerable responsibility. She called me near the end of August to let me know that there was a job on the company's website that she thought I should consider applying for. I hadn't been checking the site for postings lately, but it had been one of my first choices when I was looking for a job. I was stunned and I thanked her profusely.

The job looked quite involved, but appeared to be something that I could handle. When I got to the bottom of the listing there was a note. Samples of personal work would be part of the application: Two Scrapbook Pages, Five Cards and Three three dimensional items. All due September 30th. At first I thought, "There is just no way I could get this done. Look what it took last time, and I am now working full time, to boot. Then this little voice reminded me that I had done it before - and I could do it again." A little time goes by with me too petrified to even begin - until I get to those last 10 days. I felt very inspired when I did the entry. This time the work just flowed. I started and finished project after project. I never wasted any time on 'not knowing what to do next. When I got stuck, I'd move back and forth between the remaining projects.

During the ten days, most often I went to bed at regular time without setting foot in my work area. One night I was up until Eleven, once until midnight. I was exhausted already and the most I could do was tend to my children. I would say to myself, "I am not going to put more energy into this than I can afford. I have to be smart. If I finish, I finish. My health and children are more important." Monday night, I had started two scrapbook pages and had an idea what I'd do for the 3D projects. It was my first night with the kids in a long time, though and I wanted the time for them. We had family home evening - and when we were done, the house was clean and we had read scriptures, prayed, and played Wii for about an hour. We had a great time together. I knew I made the right choice. Tuesday, September 30th was a day off from work for me, and I woke up early and worked for about an hour before the kids needed to get up for school. It was a miracle day. My mother took my youngest about Eleven so that I could finish up. It was the only time I needed extra help (also different from March). The pages came together quickly and I was very pleased with them. Things seemed to come together in miraculous ways, especially when I was doing small processes that needed to be exact. Normally, I'd need to make try after try to get it just right, but on Tuesday - it was just 'right'.

I realized that I had already done some good 3D work for the classes I taught in the Granite School District this year. I framed one of them (I just happened to have the right frame on hand) and that left two pieces with 3 hours to work. Part of that time was absorbed my children, getting them home from school, refereeing squabbles, etc. At about 15 minutes to 5 p.m. I placed the rest of my projects in the box and headed out. My seven year old daughter E came with me - she thought because I wanted the company, which is true, but I thought she would be safer where her whining wouldn't be considered a capital offense. ) Twelve year old brothers really hate little girls' whining.

About three minutes from home I had a sinking feeling. I had left my smallest 3D project at home on my desk. I knew that I wouldn't get there in time if I turned back, so I forged ahead. Upon arriving with stress dripping from my fingers, I explained my predicament. The ladies at the front desk sweetly suggested that I could bring the piece for the night watchman, and he could place it on the front desk. I told them I lived a little more than 10 minutes away, and could be back within half an hour. One of the women said she'd still be there - and so my race was on, again. When I brought the little box in, she smiled. She placed it in the box and said, "You made it."

Thinking back on that moment is really ethereal for me. She couldn't know this whole story, but there is someone who knew. It is as though I can hear a voice echoing in the heavens, "You made it." It means so much to me. It was no small miracle. My children and I were better cared for this time around. My house was cleaner. I was calm while I worked, and happy with the results. (You can see photos now HERE.)

Here's the best part. I have no idea what this is all about. Like with Tai-Pan, it could be simply an exercise. I may not hear from them at all, and that is okay. As miraculous as this story is to me, there are things at work and with Scentsy that have been just as amazing. (I truly mean that. He is causing me to stand.) I'm willing to take on the challenges the Lord sends my way. I grow and learn from them. I don't need them to mean anything. If they do, I will be grateful at the way He is directing my life - the same as I already am. I will just keep being grateful.

Happy

2008-09-22T08:54:00.003-06:00

A number of people have told me that I look happier lately. Many of them were very surprised at how happy I looked. Yesterday, my sister told me that she sees a difference in my home, too. Not that it was ever "dirty", but things just seem to be more in place than they have been in the last couple of years.

It isn't so much that I've spent a ton of time on myself, or cleaning the house (although I did clean on Saturday night). I realized that, although I wasn't a complete mess and I still enjoyed life - I was carrying some intense and excruciating burdens over the last couple of years and it showed in my countenance and in my home. Those burdens are gone now. I still have burdens, but they are new burdens. They are heavy but they don't feel so overwhelming. I am happy. I had been surviving emotionally day to day for a long time. Finally, I have come to a place where I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. It's not that anything big has changed in the last month or so, I'm just at peace. I have turned control over to the Lord. I feel healthier emotionally. I'm not worried for the future or even trying to figure out what He has in mind. I don't waste much time on those things. I don't have it to waste. I have better things to do.

No from Tai-Pan.

2008-09-19T23:59:00.002-06:00

It's a little weird, considering how well my interviews went. I'm wondering if they are trying to see where I'd fit in another way because they talked about so many ways they'd like to use me. I'm not really concerned about it.
When you accept that the Lord is in charge, it is easier to let go of things like this. Most of my contentedness at this juncture is wrapped up in the faith I have in Christ. I don't know what he has in store for me. I know that the turns life has taken lately have been huge. I hope that I can stay close enough to the Spirit to maintain some balance. There are so many things moving in my life, almost all of which I have no control over. Some of the things I thought were rock solid seem like quicksand to me now. I have to let go of things that aren't helping me do the work I need to do. A lot of that work is mental. I've had to clear out room in some of my emotional storage bins, too.
Life is just crazy, isn't it? I married Dan 15 years ago, and assumed that part of life was settled. Now, he watches our children while I'm at work, and I'm his Scentsy lady. Our relationship has changed a lot. It's okay. Most of the time, it's good. The kids have good days and bad days, which really is pretty normal. Major breakdowns are getting less common. We are all growing a lot.
Right now, I think it's high time I get to bed. I will enjoy sleeping in tomorrow and just doing some plain old household chores. In the afternoon, I'll be doing a Scentsy Party, which will be fun. It is in my own neighborhood, and many of my friends will be there. It will feel like time to myself in many ways.
Here's to friends, to growth, to trusting in the Lord with all our hearts.

What year do you belong in?

2008-09-12T12:00:00.001-06:00

You Belong in 1953

You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!

What Year Do You Belong In?

Update.

2008-09-05T08:31:00.005-06:00

I haven't heard anything on the job yet, I just wanted to let you know.

My birthday was full of ups and downs. I had a long nap with A in the afternoon, after a morning of errands completed to a seemingly full orchestra a whining and complaining. By the time we got home, I wasn't feeling well at all. I gave up on all the grand plans I had for my birthday and hence the nap. When I woke up, T was offering to make dinner and I readily accepted his plan. That was a wonderful turn of events. By the time we were eating, my extended family was starting to arrive for the party. The children played and the adults chatted. We had cake and ice cream. It was fun. My family loves me. As alone as I feel sometimes, I know that I am far better supported than anyone I've ever known who has gone through a divorce. I've made it through the anniversary and my birthday. School will be in full swing, with all of the school children in class on Monday. I'm glad that we've had such a leisurely pace getting everything organized. E has started Orchestra and really enjoys "her violin". T believes that Jr. High was a gift from above. Q in all over kindergarten and C will be glad to get back to his friends - home is boring.

Personally, I have never been under more stress or pressure. There are cracks on the surface of my life. My lawn needs to be mowed and the laundry needs to be folded, but for the most part, we are doing well. (I mean, those are the kinds of things that anyone can say, right?) We are surviving. Sometimes, it feels better than surviving and sometimes it feels like I'm going down waving my white flag. Honestly, though, those times are few. Although I know we'll be having more of them as we get all of the details of the divorce worked out, I'm hopeful that as this hammering phase comes to an end we will be able to have more peace in our lives. At any rate, today I feel good. I really felt like getting to my work this morning, which is a good sign. After the cake and ice cream last night, my stomach is a little achey this morning, but that's about it. I'm okay.

I am an ENFJ.

2008-08-27T18:08:00.002-06:00

What are you?

Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I've also done the Keirsey Temperament Sorter and came up with the same designation. I think if fits me pretty well.

Just something fun to try out in your "spare time". Right. Just make some time for yourself because you know you deserve it, and need it and CRAVE it. It's good for you!

Possibilities

2008-08-27T17:43:00.002-06:00

I've had a possibility come up in the last week or two which is somewhat exciting for me. Whether it happens now or later, I will be happy. I already feel like I'm moving in a direction - somewhat like floating down a river. The current is strong, and I have to pay attention, but it is moving me along. About two weeks ago, a girl called me from a company that I thought I'd like to work for, and had submitted an application to prior to taking the job at Z Gallerie. She described the work available, and it didn't sound like what I wanted to do so I told her that I would probably be interested in a design related position - at which point she said - "Oh, you're my designer - I wasn't looking very carefully. Actually, this is what I wanted to talk to you about." She proceeded to describe something very much along the lines of what I had in mind. She asked me to come in for an interview, which went extremely well. When I spoke with her next, a little more than a week had gone by and she said they had been swamped, but that she wanted me to come in for a working interview sometime next week. She called today, and told me that she had called me very first of all because she wanted me to be one of the first ones that the designers met. (You have got to love that.) I will probably have to work on my birthday next week (I had asked for it off), but I think it will be worth it to be able to go into the interview on Tuesday. I wouldn't mind at all. I hope that I'm able to do well. It would be a fantastic position, letting me work in my field but with better hours, and fixed schedule - no Sundays. Also, the pay would be better and there will be more opportunities to grow. I could eventually be one of the lead designers for store, creating the vision of what it would look like and feel like for the customers. That is exciting to me, and not just because it was one of my favorite places to begin with. All that and it is about 1.5 miles from my parents' home rather than the 10 to 12 miles it takes to get to the Gateway where I am currently. That's about 100 miles a work week - and about one tank of gas in three weeks. How can you beat that? There is just not a downside except that I wouldn't see my friends anymore, and they have been so great. I would really miss them. On the other hand, those that know me and my situation have all said that if it comes through, I have to go for it and I can't look back. I can't for one minute think that working with them is more important than the chance for such a good move. I have to agree. I feel really blessed to have this opportunity to try - whatever the outcome. I honestly believe that I'll be happy either way. I have trusted the Lord to lead me by the hand, and he has.

And now it's time to feed my children.

Have a wonderful day!

Imagine.

2008-08-20T14:05:00.002-06:00

My daughter E, is seven and a half years old and is equipped with an imagination which extends her actual reality far into the future. Today, as I dressed I heard the following (in a very teacherly tone) coming from the next room.

"Kids, you have to take care of the animals.

If you want to be a good animal take-care-of-er

you have to be nice.

You have to be nice.

You have to talk to them."

I thought it was pretty good advice for being a good child take-care-of-er as well. When I went into the room to greet my sweet little animal caregiver, she smiled the biggest smile I've seen in a long time. It was really darling. I told her I thought she was a very good teacher and asked her if I could put her advice on my blog. She said that it was fine. Lucky you!

Be it unto me.

2008-08-11T09:06:00.002-06:00

I have been a little bit surprised at how crazy life has been with my three oldest in the past week. They've been doing so well for the last six weeks, and I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks. C and E have been back in school for 2 weeks. I wasn’t factoring in that school anxiety that always seems to hit when the newness starts to wear off. I am now even more grateful and amazed at how important it was to have things happen in the order that they did. I can see that if they had been in school when Dan moved, it would’ve just been far too much for them to handle at the same time. In hindsight, those things that I recognized as small miracles seem like mountains moved just in the nick of time. What incredible blessings. I knew that they were important, I just didn’t realize HOW important until now. It is very interesting to me that it wasn’t until I had given up that timeline that the Lord seemed to step in and make it all happen, anyway. Can I be that way with all my dreams? That has been my prayer lately. “Lord, I only want what you want for me.” Mary said, “Be it unto me according to thy word.” It is the attitude I want in my life right now. When we trust in the Lord, we can know that whatever we must pass through, it will lead us to Him. It is enough.

I never would have guessed this! I'm Pocahontas!

2008-08-07T21:22:00.002-06:00

Free-spirited and wise. You have a strong passionate spirit that touches and changes all who know you. The wisdom and common sense that you have is really what guides you through life. Even so, you also have a very playful side that loves adventure and excitement.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

LOUD!

2008-08-01T08:54:00.002-06:00

This morning my eldest son, T was at the table with us, reading scriptures before the C & E (out two elementary kids) had to leave for school. These two school babes were multi-tasking, eating breakfast while we read. T was overwhelmed by the noisy eaters, and complained loudly that 'he couldn't take it anymore and they must stop their smacking, immediately.' To this I roared with laughter, and he was shocked, until I told him the story of my sister, C. She has always had the kind of hearing that would put most humans to shame. It seems not a meal in my parents home that went by with out complaints of smacking, clicking spoons, chomping . . . there are to be sure a plethora of adjectives that she used - but these are the ones that quickly come to mind. My favorite incident, however, and the one that convinced me of her beyond human hearing ability was the time I was up a little late on the computer, which happened to be located in the room directly above her bedroom. There was a commotion and I soon heard through the floor, "Could you please stop typing so LOUD!"

Ah, . . . those were the days.

Just a little update.

2008-07-30T23:03:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow will be the fourth day of school, and so far everything is going very well. The fact that August starts on Friday is more than just a bit overwhelming to me. I can hardly believe that time is going so fast. I just can't. They say that time flies when you are having fun, so I must be having an absolute BLAST! I' m making some good headway getting things organized in the house. I swear Angels must be helping out because things just don't happen like this in my life. Usually, it takes me so long just to pull one project together it's almost scary to even think about thinking about starting something. That's the way life is with many children needing my attention and assistance in a constant and urgent manner. I know that I've been very blessed. Things have come together in such a way that I've been able to complete in days what in my past life (pre-full time job) might have taken weeks to pull together. (I'm not even slightly joking.) Everyone has been in the right place at the right time. I had the boys settled in their new bedrooms, and E comfortable in her new room, by the time school started. That just doesn't happen for me. It feels like I'm living someone else's life - but I'm so glad it's mine!

The kids are doing well. It is such a relief. I know that there will still be hard days and moments when they just seem to be overwhelmed by all that has happened. Truthfully though, the drama around here has subsided in a very obvious way. They have questions and I do my best to help them understand. The calm is still interrupted by a noisy tantrum once in a while, but over all, it has been great. I'm so glad that the timing of everything came together. It was SO out of our hands, but worked out exactly as I had felt that we needed it to. The kids were able to adjust a bit to D living elsewhere before school started. It is hard for them to have me working, but D is here whenever he can be at night and my parents have been loving them in the day. They are incredibly loved, and I think that they know that. They seem stable and calm, which under the circumstances is just a miracle. I couldn't be more grateful for this place in our lives and how much better than worst case scenario it has been.

A funny Q-ism.

2008-07-27T19:45:00.002-06:00

Tonight when D was here, Q convinced him to watch a movie. When his Dad agreed, Q declared, "Mission Concomplished."

I loved that. It was the best part of the day.

Fill the world with Love.

2008-07-19T23:54:00.003-06:00

This is from the musical, "Goodbye, Mr. Chips"
I think the song is very inspiring. I want to hang the words somewhere in my home to remind me
to be brave
and strong
and true
and to fill the world with love my whole life through.
I think these things are the key to happiness.

Without further ado, the words to the song. . .

In the morning of my life I shall look to the sunrise.
At a moment in my life when the world is new.
And the blessing I shall ask is that God will grant me,
To be brave
and strong
and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.

And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.

In the noontime of my life I shall look to the sunshine,
At a moment in my life when the sky is blue.
And the blessing I shall ask shall remain unchanging.
To be brave
and strong
and true,
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.

And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love
And to fill the world with love my whole life through.

In the evening of my life I shall look to the sunset,
At a moment in my life when the night is due.
And the question I shall ask only I can answer.
Was I brave
and strong
and true?
Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?

Did I fill the world with love
Did I fill the world with love
Did I fill the world with love my whole life through?

Update.

2008-07-19T00:12:00.003-06:00

Well, we measured to see if both beds would fit in the new bedroom. We got all of the things off of the desk in the new bedroom and almost moved the computer. We pulled weeds in the yard and did a couple of loads of laundry. We moved the clean laundry out to the family room to be folded. We ate two meals. I wrote in my journal, downloaded a song from iTunes, got dressed and got everyone else dressed. These things are of course in no particular order. Q had a bloody nose in his sleep. That left a big mess on all of the bedding, so I spent some time cleaning that up. (Shampoo scrubbed in well, then rinsed with cold or warm water. It was a miracle and the bedding was saved.) About 5 p.m. I got together my errands and called my friends one more time. We took care of things and then went to IKEA to eat and got a few things for the boys' rooms. I think that IKEA was the only thing on the list that actually happened - and that due to the fact that Q was adamant about his meatballs, french fries, and sauce. We HAD to go. Most of my list is still there waiting for another day and that's just fine. There had to be a few difficulties, but working them out was important - just as important as the task themselves. I recognize our need for scripture study and prayers. Those things just cannot be put off. They are so important to how things "feel" around here. I think it actually makes "the" difference between okay, good and great days. We all need that little extra calm the Spirit brings and that's the best way to get it. Now, it's time for bed, because T really is motivated to get the beds moved upstairs tomorrow. I told him that until all of his things are out of that room, C is sleeping upstairs because I'm not going to have him left in a mess. I thought that was some of the best reasoning I've ever come up with - and T agreed. He really wants his own space. I'm glad that we can do that for him. In the meantime, a little unselfishness is in order until we can get things worked out and situated. It all takes time and energy. Those are the two things that I have completely run out of right now.

Goodnight.

Of Princess, Stink Rocks and Self-Inflating Whoopee Cushions.

2008-07-18T10:29:00.004-06:00

This is my first day off in 10 days. Hallelujah for that! I woke up and thought, "What do I need to do this morning? . . . That's right, NOTHING!" I lounged happily in bed and relished the time to play with my little ones. My little A has a new thing, which I discovered immediately. I called her by name and she said, "I not A, I Princess." Knowing A - the change in her name was inevitable. She is a Princess in only the most positive of ways and it will be my great pleasure to adhere to her wishes.

The second joy of the morning was Q and the Self-Inflating Whoopee Cushion that C brought home from Cub Scout Camp yesterday. Ingenious! All the fun and none of the work. Q was having such a great time playing with it, he nearly brought me to tears I was laughing so hard. It's great to see a little boy relax and work out some of the craziness of his world. Heaven knows he's had his share of craziness lately.

Finally it was time to get some breakfast, so I headed for the kitchen where another gem from Cub Scout Camp was introduced. Stink Rocks. In case you are unfamiliar with this brand of fun, I will explain. There are two round marble sized "rocks" which you click or scratch together to create a spark which releases some smoke - which although not completely foul is not especially pleasant in odor, either. Stink Rocks. Thankfully, of their own volition they gathered in the garage to for the entertainment - leaving the kitchen a stink free zone.

What do I have planned for the rest of the day? Moving T's bedroom upstairs, organizing things a tad better for C downstairs, maybe taking a load of things to the local good will and possibly grabbing the carpet cleaner from my Mom's to get the living room looking like we don't use it quite as much as we do. I'd love to get some slip covers for the couches in there, as well but that will have to wait I'm sure. I will also do some errands later, including IKEA, if I can get everything set up. Seems like a little bit too much for one day, but a girl can dream right?

I'll report back later.

Read this.

2008-07-16T09:24:00.001-06:00

J.K. Rowling's commencement speech at Harvard. Worth every second.

Thank Heaven for good family and friends.

2008-07-15T09:13:00.002-06:00

My life has been a whirlwind for a while, as most of you know. I'm so blessed with wonderful family and friends, who are constantly looking out for me and thinking of ways to make our life better. My Dad, earlier this spring, mentioned a "Science Camp" at the local community college and made all the necessary arrangements for T to go - including the enlistment of T's best friend C to go with him. I dropped them off this morning, and let me tell you - I'm so glad that my Dad took that on and followed through with it. The boys were very excited. They work together in teams (they are a natural team) for four days in four different areas of science. Yesterday they did bridge building. Today they will be working on robotics. As I watched them running into the building, I couldn't help but be a little overwhelmed with gratitude, not just to my Dad but to the many many people who are there for us, making our lives better. Here's to all of you. I love you dearly!

Reassuring Q.

2008-07-10T23:31:00.002-06:00

Mommy, am I a good boy?

Yes, Q you are a good boy.

Do you love me, Mommy?

Yes, Q. I love you very much. I love being your Mommy.

So, I'm a good boy? I'm not a bad boy?

Well, sweetie, sometimes when you do things like paint your sister's wall, and bed, and carpet I don't like cleaning it very much. Sometimes those things make me a little crazy, but that doesn't mean that you are a bad boy. You are a good boy.

So you love me?

Yes, sweetheart. I love you.

My poor baby is suffering like any 5 year old would under the current circumstances. I have to say, however that I am extremely impressed with how he is doing. He is my "no changes under any condition" child. It took him 6 months (at 3 1/2 years old) to accept the fact that we were living in a new house and wouldn't be returning to the old one. It is a very very good thing that my family has been so helpful and supportive. It is a good thing that he loves his Grandma and Grandpa so much. Although he is asking a lot of questions, there has actually been less angry demanding that "everything return to it's prior condition." When we moved, he'd say things like, "Mom, you need to call the tainers back so Dad can put all of our things back and we can go back to our house." He's say things like that two or three times a day, well - probably more. He still can't go by that house without demanding from the back seat that we make the new owners give it back to us. What a kid. I think that it will take years to really see how all of the changes have affected him. There is still a great deal that remains to be seen, but at least for now, he seems to be doing well. I talk to him. I hold him when he just needs to feel close and safe. I cry when he paints walls. We move forward day by day. There have been far more good days than bad days in the last two weeks. More like there have been a few difficult hours, but for the most part, it has been very good. This is no small miracle.

Second Week of Work.

2008-07-05T22:04:00.002-06:00

A friend saw me at work this week - both of us were very surprised.

"What about your kids? How are you going to do it?" he asked.

"Have you heard of faith?" I replied.

It's much more than faith, however. Faith has been the thing that has allowed me to go down this road, confident that the Lord would lead me to the right place. Faith has taken me this far in the sense that I had the courage to act. It has enabled me to keep moving when I felt lost. It has renewed me and given me peace. The job my faith took me to is, as I have said before, completely different from what I originally had in mind, but it has also been much better than I imagined. I enjoy the people I'm working with tremendously. Our customers literally come from all over the world which appeals to my sense of curiosity and adventure. Today I was helping a married couple from Hungary - both Doctors. The were so much fun. I love that aspect more than I can say.

It isn't faith, however that has cared for my children. My family has enthusiastically embraced that role with love. If I had an 8 to 5 job, I would be with kids in the evening. Because my hours are crazy, the kids have needed a lot of care in the evenings. My schedule has made more room for D to be with them and care for them, which is good for everyone. D and the kids see each other more than they would otherwise, which is a win win situation. Everyone is happier. That is one of the miracles that has come from trusting in the Lord. Things that I thought would be impossible have proved not only to be possible but to be better than what I had personally planned. Have you noticed how often that is the case?

The kids are doing okay. Poor Q is overwhelmed by all of the changes. His dad moved to his new apartment on Saturday, and his Mom is working away from home for the first time in his life. It is easy to see that he is torn and filled with emotion that he doesn't understand. I took time when I got home today to sit with him and talk. He cried and told me all about how he wants things to be. Then he settled down and started to boss me around as usual. I knew then that he was feeling a little better. He fell asleep in my arms and the girls came in to have their turns to sit and talk. Dishes can wait for later because there is only so much time to hug and talk to my children. We all need that time. I feel really blessed to have them to come home to, they are my motivation. They are the reason I want to succeed, learn and work hard.

I'm very tired now, it's time to get everyone to bed. E says I should just put "The End" and be done. I think it's very good advice, there will be time to write another day.

"The End"

"Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!"

2008-06-30T12:28:00.005-06:00

While I was writing this morning, I heard Q in the bathroom filling up the sink and thought myself very smart for checking on him. Little did I know that in the half hour I thought they were watching Word World they had been downstairs “painting” E’s room. Poor A, I scared her to death when I came downstairs and saw the mess. I started screaming like a kid at a horror show. “Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!”

They had opened three cans of paint and covered a 4’x6’ area on the wall by her bed. There was paint on the bedding, on the carpet, on the curtains of her closet. It has taken me about an hour to get it cleaned up. It was still quite wet when I discovered it and so most of it came off. A little magic eraser took care of what was left on the wall after a wet towel. There was still some left on the wallpaper border, but I have plenty of the border to switch out the damaged portion. It may not come out of the bedding completely, but it will be okay. I’ve wanted to get E a runner for by the door/bed - now I have an even better reason. . . paint residue.

I had so many plans for that hour. I feel like I need a day off from my day off. Q has learned a pretty serious lesson. On the other hand, so have I.

First Week of Work.

2008-06-30T09:51:00.003-06:00

Okay, so it was great. By the end of the week, I was looking forward to going - truly. It was just very frankly more fun than I thought it could be. There are tons of little tasks that I can do to keep myself busy when things are slower. It is sales, but most of all, it just feels like helping people. That was very natural and fun for me. The people I’m working with are interesting and caring. They want to know about my life and seem genuinely amazed about the way I’m handling everything that is coming at me. One of the ladies (probably in her 60’s) said to me at the end of the week, “You are a breath of fresh air. You are so refreshing . . . really, you are."
I hope that I can always make things fun. I want be Christlike, especially at work. I come into contact with so many people from so many parts of the world all day long. We are the first stop from the airport and we have quite a few out of town visitors.
I learned that I have a little more of a competitive spirit than I imagined, as well. That will have to be kept in check. I like everyone so well. I want to make sure that my friends are treated well. I want to be sure that I maintain good relationships and do my part. So, verdict on the first week? It couldn’t have been better, honestly - unless it were closer to home, I guess.
My family has been amazing, as well. They want to share my load and we will work together to be sure that my children are well cared for. I'm so grateful for their willingness to help us - for the love they show and the way they have stood by me through these days.
I have four days off - my next day at work is Wednesday. I have a lot to do before then, and thank heaven for that. Keeps me busy and focused. Most of all, I want to give my children the things that they need. I want them to have every chance to flourish in these crazy times.

Quality

2008-06-25T10:16:00.002-06:00

From Eckhart Tolle

"Success isn't anything other than a successful present moment. And what is that? There is a sense of quality in what you do, even the most simple action. Quality implies care and attention, which come with awareness...By realizing that your entire life journey ultimately consists of the step you are taking at the this moment. There is always only this one step, and so you give it your fullest attention. This doesn't mean you don't know where you are going; it just means this step is primary, the destination secondary."

I'm going to be thinking about this today as I'm walking around the store. It is something great to chew on. It's what I've been trying to do this year, pay attention to the moments so that they don't get away from me. I have reason to do that now more than ever. I promise I'll put something about work in on Sunday. Things are going well, I've enjoyed myself - although my body is just aching by the end of the day. Tonight will be my first 1 to 10 shift. I like being in the store. I think that summer evenings will be busy - so it should be fun.

Enjoy your steps today.

Back to work . . .

2008-06-19T12:45:00.006-06:00

Next week will be my first week of work, and my schedule?

Ack! Here it is.

Monday - 6 a.m. to 3 p.m.
Tuesday - 11 a.m. to 8 p.m.
Wednesday - 1 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Thursday - 1 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Friday - 2 p.m. to 11 p.m.

At times like this, it's good to know that you're on the right track, because nothing about that schedule (except that I have the entire weekend off) looks like something I'd actually consider possible. On the other hand - it is just another opportunity for me to watch the hand of the Lord work in my life, and who doesn't need more miracles? I've been hanging out in that 'in need of little daily miracles' territory for a while, and although I truly can say that the Lord has provided, I can also say that in my case He seems to be choosing REALLY DRAMATIC WAYS to do that providing. There isn't any explanation for the events that have transpired and also no way that I will be able to take any credit for pulling it off. It is far beyond me, but very much within the Lord's power to bring together the necessary resources to make this an actual functioning plan. One week and day at a time, it's a good pace. It's a manageable pace.

Thankfully, I'm closing a lot next week because someone will be on vacation - I don't expect that to be a typical week. Also, miraculously, although the just never start people with the designation of full-time, even when they are working full time hours, and they generally have you prove yourself in terms of sales before they offer a full-time designation, they will be bringing me on full-time, which means that I'll be eligible for health benefits in 90 days.

So there it is. Is this the craziest thing you've ever heard, or what?

Adventuring in the unknown.

2008-06-16T16:09:00.002-06:00

I think it's pretty safe to make an announcement now, since I'm going in tomorrow morning to talk to my new manager about the job details. I have to say that I am completely floored at what I am about to announce. Despite that, however, I just keep getting that "where I'm supposed to be" feeling - and it is truly the only thing that has presented itself as a viable option. I am going to be working at Z Gallerie in The Gateway.

I've been putting applications in since April. I've had a few interviews, tested for a couple of Temporary Employment companies. I did fabulously, but there just hasn't seemed to be anything for me. I had been looking for clerical work because I hadn't been able to find anything in Interior Design, which is my degree field.

So this is how it went. Last Wednesday, I went down to the Apple store with my computer because it was crashing a lot. (Apples don't generally crash a lot, you know?) While they were working on it, I went into Z Gallerie to check it out - I had never been in the store before. As it turned out, they were looking for people - and I really did like the store, so I took an application and figured maybe I'd fill it out later. After checking on the computer, I had another half hour to wait, so I decided to go back, fill out the application and turn it in. Friday afternoon the manager called wondering when I could come in for an interview. We set that up for Saturday night, because that was the soonest I'd be available. (My family was in Bear Lake over the weekend.) They had me come in today for a "working interview" which was mainly just to see how I felt about talking to people. It was fun. I'm sure I'll get the hang of what to say and do in time - but I really enjoyed myself. I like helping people. The manager asked me to come in tomorrow morning (7:30 a.m.) so that we could sit down and sort out all the details.

On the way home, I wondered what the universe was bringing to me in the form of this job. I thought about how far from my original plan it was - and still how good I feel about it. It is absolutely crazy how I ended up here, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn new things and work in "my field". Most of the places I talked to were looking for past retail experience more than a degree. This place was very willing to accept me as I am, pays what I need to be paid - with bonuses rather than commission - and because of the road I've been on, I recognize the blessing of simply having a job. Feeling that it is the best place for me right now helps me lay aside my worries about the schedule and my inadequacies. One other funny side note, Dr. Laura was telling someone just about the same things today. Sometimes doors close and doors open but we are so busy pounding on the closed door that we don't even think to go through the open door. I felt so great about that. I was thinking to myself that at that very moment I was walking through that open door, ready for the gifts the universe was bringing me. That felt great, it felt healthy, it was a confirmation of my own feelings and the action I was taking. It feels amazing to be moving in a direction - even if it is completely different from what I imagined. That's what adventure is all about right?

Hella.

2008-06-12T05:43:00.006-06:00

My baby, A, is O-B-S-E-S-S-E-D with Cinderella. From her tiny lips, it's "Hella" this and "Hella" that - but there is no mistaking what she means by that. We have a book of Disney Princess stories that I got for E a couple of years ago. A carries it around, perusing "Hella's" story a few times a day. Every chance she gets, she'll sit quietly and watch the entire movie. Once in a while she'll say something like, "Funny" or "I wuff it, mama." (For those not speaking my baby's lingo - that's "I love it . . ." Her favorite part of the story is when Cinderella brings the glass slipper out of her pocket. She made me stop the first time I read that part to her. We had quite a conversation about "pot-its" and how great it was that "Hella" had a shoe in her "pot-it". I'm pretty sure that she was thinking something like, "Wow! So shoes come from pockets! I had no I idea! I wonder when I'm going to find shoes in my pockets!" Why am I so sure? Well, my dearest little one is also very shoe obsessed, and dog obsessed - which sheds a little more light on why she is so "Hella" obsessed. This story has it all: dogs, shoes, pretty dresses and pumpkins that turn into transportation. (I don't think she cares much about the prince at this point, and I'm okay with that.) I did just mention the pretty dresses, though, didn't I. Part of her obsession has to do with a Cinderella costume that E got for her fifth birthday. All I need say is that it is sometimes a struggle to get if off of A - it must be washed from time to time. I make her wear clothes underneath - but she can ignore that, as long as I immediately put "Hella" back on. Great Grandma thinks I might be just a little off my rocker - a child always dressing in a costume. On the other hand, it's just so darned adorable. I'm pretty sure that I am off my rocker, at least a little bit. I just can't help it. Watching her run around the house in that get-up makes my day. She is a little princess, and I'm glad that she knows it. It's good to have a sense of your own worth and I don't think she has over estimated herself one tiny bit. She is such a bright spot of sunshine. She makes every day worth living just to know I'm going to get a big hug and kiss from her somewhere along the way.

Cool. I'm awesome - But I still don't have a job.

2008-06-08T21:07:00.000-06:00

You Are Psyche!

Eternally in search of purpose and insight.

You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder.

Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily.

Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!

What Goddess Are You?

This is your last chance!

2008-06-04T15:00:00.006-06:00

I hate that crack-pot!

Crack-pot?

CRAAAAACK POHHHHHT. I hate that dinner that you're making!

OH! . . . Crock Pot!

Yes. I hate that dinner. You have to take me to IKEA . . . I want those circle things . . . meatballs. This is your last chance! Make cookies and go at IKEA. That's it!

What are you going to do if I won't do it?

You're grounded. Grounded from computers, . . . every night. And you're not taking me to IKEA. If you're not, you're grounded from computers.

Q, we aren't going to IKEA for dinner. You can have anything else in the house that you want, but we are staying here.

No, I am the boss of this house . . . and we are going to IKEA . . . mommy, pleeeaaaase. Take me to IKEA . . . okay, that's it. If you won't give me soda, and meatballs and french fries and sauce, I'm going to ground you from computers!

(I don't think I need to express how funny this conversation was to me. I was typing as he was speaking. It cracked me up so much. It's not over, either. I know my child. He will carry this to the end of the day.)

Mama! Why won't you listen to me! It's IKEA for me!

Spectacular Sky

2008-05-29T22:20:00.002-06:00

On Monday we were on the road to my parents home for little Memorial Day get together, when Q (now 5) called out, "Mom, there's two skies!" I looked up to see what he meant, and was astounded by what I saw. It had been raining and the sky was covered in thick dark clouds. I hadn't imagined that they would pass. It had seemed that we were in for a cloudy day - I hadn't thought much of it. For the first time in my life, however, I saw a thick mass of dark clouds, a very defined end to those clouds, followed by a perfectly blue, sun shining fluffy cloud floating spring day as far as the eye could see. It was amazing to me because, you know, ususally you'll see the clouds starting to break up, a little blue poking through here and there, and then some sun. That day, however, the "two skies" were right there together and it was a striking contrast. It seemed profound to me, I feel that way about my life. Exactly that way. There has been a dark mass of clouds hanging over us for a long time, but the end to those clouds is in sight and beyond them, the sky is fine and lovely, the sun is shining. Storms will always be a part of life. It's nice to know that they don't last forever.

T's thumb is actually broken

2008-05-23T17:11:00.003-06:00

A week and a half ago at Young Men's, they were playing games, and Turner came home complaining of a jammed thumb. He was still complaining yesterday, and having such a difficult time writing and doing homework that I figured we had better get him seen. I took him over to InstaCare, where they did a number of x-rays and found what they thought was a fracture at the base of his thumb. They put him into a temporary brace, and said they'd call back today after the radiologist had had a chance to look at it. The Radiologist felt that there was indeed a fracture - and that we needed to see the bone doctors. Crazy times. So, I'll be calling to get that appointment fairly soon, and I may set up an appointment for myself at the same time to have them check my wrists - just in case. One is much better, but the other still gives me more trouble than I think it ought to. We'll see. In the meantime, my boy is broken, but doing well. It is the second time he's had a major injury (the first time, a burn) in that area of his hand. I find that very interesting, but I'm like that.

In all the other areas, I'm hanging in there. It's still a roller coaster - just a different kind that depends a lot on things that I can't control . . . I'm learning a lot about faith, patience and trust. I never knew I had so much to learn. That in and of itself is very humbling, because I then realize how very far out in front of me the road extends . . .and it is a long one. The great thing about allowing the Lord to run the show is the acknowledgement that I really have NO CLUE what he is leading me to: Why is that a good thing? Well, the reason that is a good thing has everything to do with the understanding that only He can get me to that place, because only He knows where it is. It is the same reason that "spinning and toiling" won't get me any closer to it. All I need to do is follow the Spirit, day to day, and I will eventually arrive at that place He has prepared for me. It is miraculous. He has promised me that it will be wonderful, and so I will trust, and wait and believe . . . and do the work He gives me each day.

Weewa Tar . . .

2008-05-20T11:49:00.002-06:00

My two year old treated me to a very precious version of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star today. I enjoyed every second of it. I'm recording it here because I don't want to forget.

"Ween Toe Ween Toe Weewa Tar . . .

Ween Toe Ween Toe Weewa TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!"

She was in the other room playing, and didn't know that I was listening. This was obviously her "belt" version - she probably held that note for about 5 seconds, which frankly surprised me. I haven't exposed her to much opera or dramatic singing so far. What a sweetie. Just can't get enough of that.